Remembering our boys
I am home now and think I can face writing this entry. At 22 3/7 weeks I went into labor the afternoon of Dec.7,2010 which could not be stopped. Andrew Michael was born at 2203, and Benjamin Davie at 2223. They lived briefly after birth but then passed as their lungs were not developed enough.
I got to spend many hours with each of them that night and the next morning. I got to hold them, kiss them, and touch every part of their perfect little bodies. The nurse we had with us in Labor and Delivery was absolutely wonderful. She made sure I had lots of time with them and that they were well taken care of. She also took many pictures of me with the boys and of just them as well and made sure we had a CD of all the photos. She also made impressions of their footprints and did ink hand and footprints for each boy for us to keep. I also got to keep the hats and blankets each one had. I am so greatful for each second I spent with them, both during pregnancy, when they kicked me and were active, and especially all the time I got to hold and love on them after they were born.
Unfortunately I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days after delivery as I had a descent amount of blood loss and could not even stand for more than a minute or 2 without passing out. I finally consented to getting a couple units of blood and was able to be discharged late last evening.
My DH as been so wonderful through this whole process. He has been there, making sure I had good food he had cooked at home, cut my toenails for me as I could not reach them, and making sure I had nice lotion to use and things to do on bedrest. He was also wonderful during delivery. It was painful physically and mentally, but I am so glad that I did not have pain medication throughout as I remember every part of the experience. My DH was especially wonderful through the labor and delivery- holding me and my hand and telling me how good I was doing. His grief process is different than mine, but we have been able to talk a lot over the last 3 days and have had some of the most wonderful and intimate conversations we have ever had.
My doctor through this process has also been wonderful. He came in from home on his night off to help with my delivery. He also came in early the next morning to see me with the boys. He also briefly mentioned to me that we would talk about "next time" when I came to see him for my post partum appointments- and though this may sound strange, this was so encouraging for me. He even gave my husband his cell phone number and said that if we needed anything just to call him. Absolutely amazing.
My breasts have swollen a lot over the last 3 days and I will likely have some leaking of breastmilk by tonight at the rate things are going. I wish this part was not happening...reminding me that I can't feed them.
We are going to bury the boys this next week. This will be so hard, but I need to do this to continue to try and heal in some way. I need to finish writing the letters I am going to have with each boy. The nurses at the hospital were wonderful and gave us hats and blankets to use for their burial...ones that fit the boys, as ones at the store are too big. Andrew weighed 1lb and 4 oz and was 12 inches long, and Benjamin 1lb. and 11 inches long.
I don't know why this has happened, and I guess there is no "reason" to it all. I do know that I do not regret a second of the time I had the boys with me and am so glad that they were with me in this life, and will be in my heart forever.
Sorry for the long entry, but I guess this is just a part of processing things for me.
I got to spend many hours with each of them that night and the next morning. I got to hold them, kiss them, and touch every part of their perfect little bodies. The nurse we had with us in Labor and Delivery was absolutely wonderful. She made sure I had lots of time with them and that they were well taken care of. She also took many pictures of me with the boys and of just them as well and made sure we had a CD of all the photos. She also made impressions of their footprints and did ink hand and footprints for each boy for us to keep. I also got to keep the hats and blankets each one had. I am so greatful for each second I spent with them, both during pregnancy, when they kicked me and were active, and especially all the time I got to hold and love on them after they were born.
Unfortunately I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days after delivery as I had a descent amount of blood loss and could not even stand for more than a minute or 2 without passing out. I finally consented to getting a couple units of blood and was able to be discharged late last evening.
My DH as been so wonderful through this whole process. He has been there, making sure I had good food he had cooked at home, cut my toenails for me as I could not reach them, and making sure I had nice lotion to use and things to do on bedrest. He was also wonderful during delivery. It was painful physically and mentally, but I am so glad that I did not have pain medication throughout as I remember every part of the experience. My DH was especially wonderful through the labor and delivery- holding me and my hand and telling me how good I was doing. His grief process is different than mine, but we have been able to talk a lot over the last 3 days and have had some of the most wonderful and intimate conversations we have ever had.
My doctor through this process has also been wonderful. He came in from home on his night off to help with my delivery. He also came in early the next morning to see me with the boys. He also briefly mentioned to me that we would talk about "next time" when I came to see him for my post partum appointments- and though this may sound strange, this was so encouraging for me. He even gave my husband his cell phone number and said that if we needed anything just to call him. Absolutely amazing.
My breasts have swollen a lot over the last 3 days and I will likely have some leaking of breastmilk by tonight at the rate things are going. I wish this part was not happening...reminding me that I can't feed them.
We are going to bury the boys this next week. This will be so hard, but I need to do this to continue to try and heal in some way. I need to finish writing the letters I am going to have with each boy. The nurses at the hospital were wonderful and gave us hats and blankets to use for their burial...ones that fit the boys, as ones at the store are too big. Andrew weighed 1lb and 4 oz and was 12 inches long, and Benjamin 1lb. and 11 inches long.
I don't know why this has happened, and I guess there is no "reason" to it all. I do know that I do not regret a second of the time I had the boys with me and am so glad that they were with me in this life, and will be in my heart forever.
Sorry for the long entry, but I guess this is just a part of processing things for me.
Replies
I am so very very sorry to hear this heartbreaking news. I was so hopeful for you and your boys after your last post. I know there are no words that help at this time, but I\'m glad to hear you had a lot of time with them and supportive and caring people by your side. Thinking and praying for you at this difficult time.
I am so sorry to hear this as well. there truely are no words. my thoughts and prayers will be with you.
I cannot even imagine. I admire your strength through this hard time and you are in my prayers.
I am so very sorry to hear this. I am glad you got those brief precious moments with your sons. Had you been given anesthesia, you would have missed that fleeting moment of holding them.
You will probably have milk come in. Binding the breasts with an ace bandage and avoiding touching them is supposed to help.
I hope you are able to have some sort of burial ceremony for them. Although my losses were much earlier than yours, one thing that helped me a lot was planting a fruit tree in our yard for each one. They bloom beautifully in the spring, and I look out on them and remember and feel as though their souls are living on.
I am here for you. Sending you hugs and wishes for strength and peace.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I will say a prayer for you and your boys.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I admire the strength and courage you have at such a difficult time. I pray that your angels watch over you and bless you and future pregnancies.
I am so sad to hear this news. I am also so angry that this had to happen to you, it is not fair. I am here for you if you need anything. You, your husband, and your boys will be in my prayers. My 2nd mc was actually on Dec. 7th as well (last year). I hope you can find the support you need in others, esp. those with a similar experience. That is what helped me the most after I had a loss.
I am so very sorry to hear. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Am so sorry to hear ur bad news and what u have been through. May God give u the strength and courage to go through this. Hope u r feeling better now. Take care of urself and God bless u.