Remembering our boys
I am home now and think I can face writing this entry. At 22 3/7 weeks I went into labor the afternoon of Dec.7,2010 which could not be stopped. Andrew Michael was born at 2203, and Benjamin Davie at 2223. They lived briefly after birth but then passed as their lungs were not developed enough.
I got to spend many hours with each of them that night and the next morning. I got to hold them, kiss them, and touch every part of their perfect little bodies. The nurse we had with us in Labor and Delivery was absolutely wonderful. She made sure I had lots of time with them and that they were well taken care of. She also took many pictures of me with the boys and of just them as well and made sure we had a CD of all the photos. She also made impressions of their footprints and did ink hand and footprints for each boy for us to keep. I also got to keep the hats and blankets each one had. I am so greatful for each second I spent with them, both during pregnancy, when they kicked me and were active, and especially all the time I got to hold and love on them after they were born.
Unfortunately I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days after delivery as I had a descent amount of blood loss and could not even stand for more than a minute or 2 without passing out. I finally consented to getting a couple units of blood and was able to be discharged late last evening.
My DH as been so wonderful through this whole process. He has been there, making sure I had good food he had cooked at home, cut my toenails for me as I could not reach them, and making sure I had nice lotion to use and things to do on bedrest. He was also wonderful during delivery. It was painful physically and mentally, but I am so glad that I did not have pain medication throughout as I remember every part of the experience. My DH was especially wonderful through the labor and delivery- holding me and my hand and telling me how good I was doing. His grief process is different than mine, but we have been able to talk a lot over the last 3 days and have had some of the most wonderful and intimate conversations we have ever had.
My doctor through this process has also been wonderful. He came in from home on his night off to help with my delivery. He also came in early the next morning to see me with the boys. He also briefly mentioned to me that we would talk about "next time" when I came to see him for my post partum appointments- and though this may sound strange, this was so encouraging for me. He even gave my husband his cell phone number and said that if we needed anything just to call him. Absolutely amazing.
My breasts have swollen a lot over the last 3 days and I will likely have some leaking of breastmilk by tonight at the rate things are going. I wish this part was not happening...reminding me that I can't feed them.
We are going to bury the boys this next week. This will be so hard, but I need to do this to continue to try and heal in some way. I need to finish writing the letters I am going to have with each boy. The nurses at the hospital were wonderful and gave us hats and blankets to use for their burial...ones that fit the boys, as ones at the store are too big. Andrew weighed 1lb and 4 oz and was 12 inches long, and Benjamin 1lb. and 11 inches long.
I don't know why this has happened, and I guess there is no "reason" to it all. I do know that I do not regret a second of the time I had the boys with me and am so glad that they were with me in this life, and will be in my heart forever.
Sorry for the long entry, but I guess this is just a part of processing things for me.
I got to spend many hours with each of them that night and the next morning. I got to hold them, kiss them, and touch every part of their perfect little bodies. The nurse we had with us in Labor and Delivery was absolutely wonderful. She made sure I had lots of time with them and that they were well taken care of. She also took many pictures of me with the boys and of just them as well and made sure we had a CD of all the photos. She also made impressions of their footprints and did ink hand and footprints for each boy for us to keep. I also got to keep the hats and blankets each one had. I am so greatful for each second I spent with them, both during pregnancy, when they kicked me and were active, and especially all the time I got to hold and love on them after they were born.
Unfortunately I had to stay in the hospital for 2 days after delivery as I had a descent amount of blood loss and could not even stand for more than a minute or 2 without passing out. I finally consented to getting a couple units of blood and was able to be discharged late last evening.
My DH as been so wonderful through this whole process. He has been there, making sure I had good food he had cooked at home, cut my toenails for me as I could not reach them, and making sure I had nice lotion to use and things to do on bedrest. He was also wonderful during delivery. It was painful physically and mentally, but I am so glad that I did not have pain medication throughout as I remember every part of the experience. My DH was especially wonderful through the labor and delivery- holding me and my hand and telling me how good I was doing. His grief process is different than mine, but we have been able to talk a lot over the last 3 days and have had some of the most wonderful and intimate conversations we have ever had.
My doctor through this process has also been wonderful. He came in from home on his night off to help with my delivery. He also came in early the next morning to see me with the boys. He also briefly mentioned to me that we would talk about "next time" when I came to see him for my post partum appointments- and though this may sound strange, this was so encouraging for me. He even gave my husband his cell phone number and said that if we needed anything just to call him. Absolutely amazing.
My breasts have swollen a lot over the last 3 days and I will likely have some leaking of breastmilk by tonight at the rate things are going. I wish this part was not happening...reminding me that I can't feed them.
We are going to bury the boys this next week. This will be so hard, but I need to do this to continue to try and heal in some way. I need to finish writing the letters I am going to have with each boy. The nurses at the hospital were wonderful and gave us hats and blankets to use for their burial...ones that fit the boys, as ones at the store are too big. Andrew weighed 1lb and 4 oz and was 12 inches long, and Benjamin 1lb. and 11 inches long.
I don't know why this has happened, and I guess there is no "reason" to it all. I do know that I do not regret a second of the time I had the boys with me and am so glad that they were with me in this life, and will be in my heart forever.
Sorry for the long entry, but I guess this is just a part of processing things for me.
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