Remembering

 
Cara 1987... She and her brother were acting like monkeys hanging in the tree and I got this pic of her... I always loved it... 
 
 

 
Cara at 3 weeks... I look at this picture and I remember how it felt to hold her... Its almost like I'm back there in my mind... I was so thrilled.  Poor love... she looks kind of uncomfortable... she weighed 7lbs 8 oz at birth... so she was a healthy sized baby... she looks so tiny to me now...
 
 

Cara and her Dad, Woody at her brother's wedding June 2, 2001.  She really loved her family... and we loved her... She was like sunshine in our lives...
 
Today I lost it again... Went to the doctor... while in the lab I see a pic of a lovely young lady... I thought the pic might be of the lady drawing my blood... she didn't look very old and looked to me like she might be the young lady in the pic a few years earlier... but no... it was her daughter... her 23 year old daughter... who is a senior in college... due to graduate soon... and she has a younger daughter... 10 years old... and do I have any children... I have 2 children... a girl and a boy, I manage to say... still breathing... no tears... but then... oh, how old are they she asks... How old is Cara? She was 30 when she died... she'd be 33 now... probably complaining about it... don't we all... I try to say my daughter died and my son is 32... but I can't help it... I start crying... I'm embarassed... The lab tech says they've had a loss in their family recently... her niece... she had been in a car accident... but then... as if the words were forced from her... I hear the pain... she didn't die from the accident... about a month after the accident she is killed by a blood clot... We talked some about how it seems even worse because they had believed the worst was over after the news of her accident and injuries... both hips and her pelvis were broken... but she made it through the surgeries and she's going to be fine... but then the damn clot... We talk about how her brother and SIL are doing... its hard... time helps I say... Yes she says... They'll learn to accept it... NO! NO! you will probably never accept that your child's death is okay... I know I'm supposed to have faith that she's in a better place and that actually she's where we all long to be... but okay... no its never going to be okay... You learn to accept the fact that your child's earthly life has ended... that they're never going to walk through the door again... that you'll never see, touch, hold, hear your child except in your dreams... that the pain is a part of who you are now... I wonder if I'll ever be able to answer those questions without wanting to cry... Do you have kids? How old are your kids? Part of me is going through the do I post this... but I think I'm going to... not because I want to make you cry... but because I want you to know that we all go through this.. we aren't alone. Hugs Elissa Cara's Mom and I am so glad I'm her mom....

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Those questions will always be hard. But you will learn not to be frustrated or angry at yourself for doing what you feel like doing. Maybe she needed to see you cry so she could unburden about her niece. my prayers are with you. hugs j
RememberKala
RememberKala

I\'m thankful to be in a place in my journey where I can answer these questions without tears now. It took a long time to get here. Interesting for me, before Kala\'s accident, when asked how many children I had I would answer 2. Now I always answer three...two in Heaven and one on earth.....though sometimes I want to say two in heaven and one in hell, considering my son\'s life choices. Though this was a painful exchange, you gave an incredible gift to the lab tech...you allowed her to talk about her pain, something she obviously needed. Peace and love to you, Teri.
RememberKala
RememberKala

Geez! I forgot to comment on the photo\'s!!! Love the one of Cara in the tree...what a monkey! Amazing how tiny our babies look in pictures. I remember bringing Kala home and taking a picture of her and Torrey. I thought Torrey was such a big boy. Now I look at those pictures and see just how little he was. And what a beautiful picture of Cara and Woody! Cara is such a lovely young woman. Pictures are often two edged swords....they bring smiles and tears at the same time. So much emotion, so many memories. Thank you for sharing these with us. Hugs, Teri.
ihart
ihart

Elissa,
It continues to be one of teh more difficukt things to say out loud. It is never natural to say \" my child is dead\". I dread it every time someone asks me if I have kids !!!Yes I do and one is dead ...damn that tears me up and I often try to circumvent the question and hope they move on.
The goal is to get to the acceptance stage and that does not mean we have to like it but we eventually have to accept the reality. Hugs, Inga