releasing some stuff from my head

Haven't visited my journal in awhile and now find my head filling up with stuff that is occupying too much space. Went out this past weekend and found myself once again on the bored side but at least everyone ( mainly my brother Spanky, and my other half Wayne) got along or should I say tolerated each other. I actually took my own advice and went to lunch with a lady from my bereavement group yesterday. Although it felt pretty good to get out, it wasn't all that. My mind will not stop drifting back to thinking of my Dad long enough for me to thoroughly allow myself to completely enjoy myself and I don't know how or if I can ever fix that. My cell phone has been deactivated and I cannot afford anything but the old timey dial up on my computer so, I can't stay on the computer as much as I used to. I have put in job applications everywhere and have a potential part time position with the city I live in so, I don't want to miss that opportunity. Maybe getting back to work is just what I need to fill all of the "down time" I seem to have. Sometimes, I can't find, or don't want to do anything. I've had so much alone time since Daddy died, my house is on the verge of being overly clean! I sat down yesterday and finally finished a book I had been reading since my Dad was in the hospital, back in May. I even picked out another book to start on but, sitting still is not one of my strong points. It'll probably take months to be still long enough to read it. I have about 700 books and it may sound crazy but they're all alphabetized. I really think I have OCD or something going on because there are things that if not done properly, or orderly, it drives me crazy. I hate dishes in the sink, clothes in the hamper or in general things out of place. This is nothing new but it is more intense lately. There are so many things healthwise that I wish could be checked out but in this country, with no job, no insurance, no money, there seems to be no hope of resolving anything. It bothers me to think if anything was seriously wrong, I can't do anything about it...maybe not knowing is a good thing? If I knew something was wrong, I'd probably worry myself to death!  I still haven't gained any weight back since Daddy was sick and I often wonder if food will ever be important in my life again. If there is a plus side to all that's happened, I know I look better than I have in a long time. It's just that I know the way I lost the weight cannot be healthy. I never have a craving for anything. When my stomach growls, or I feel nauseated, I eat whatever I get my hands on. Sometimes, I wish I could find a reason for my existence. It's like I'm taking up space, making no money for the bills, staying in my house, and little else. I've even considered just taking off and disappearing but, back to the money thing! There is no one here that I don't believe could not survive without me. My Dad was my world. My brother has his girlfriend/friends/his bottles of alcohol and is so self centered. I have no doubt that he would be fine without me. Most of the time when I'm around him, he's either complaining about what other people don't do to his liking, cutting me down, and making me feel worse than I already do. I have always, and even more so lately, been his personal "whipping post". He has spoken to me in a manner I would never speak to anyone but yet, I do love him for some reason. Wayne is always working and I guess that's partly because I'm not working. If he's not working, he's hanging out at the Eagles club. He says he still loves me but, we are hardly ever together. He told me one time he didn't know what he and Drexel, our dog, would do without me cause I take care of them so I think it is reasonable to assume that he could also live without me. He has 2 grown daughters that think he is their bank, and he has his 4 grandkids and his sister and his friends. Besides my animals, what do I have, and why am I here? I really have no family worth mentioning, and very few distant friends. So I doubt if I, or anyone else for that matter, can answer that question??? Well, I got this out of my system! I'll continue to search for answers but I'm running out of places to look!
to be continued...when my head overloads again.