Relationship and Sex Worries

Here's a little bit of my relationship history:

Once upon a time I was a freshman in high school, 14 years old. I met a guy who had just turned 20. We were in a relationship for about 5 years. I lost my virginity to him. He was my first everything.

The last year we were living together in my mom's house. I ended up breaking it off with him. Some of my friends refer to the relationship as abusive, I don't know how much I agree with that. We both did some shitty things to each other, but I've learned and moved on from it. When I left him he was practically an alcoholic, he was so depressed, he rage quit his job and lived in my house playing video games and drinking all night, and slept most days, for months.

After we broke up, we didn't speak for a few weeks or maybe a few months. I don't remember. But when we did start talking again, we also started sleeping together. We had a purly friends with benefits thing for several months. I started blowing him off when I started back up school in the fall. He eventually found another girl. In the end we worked things out to be friends. Or rather friendly with one another. We talk rarely, but it's always pleasant when we do talk.

1

After that I went on a hiatus. I sworn off guys for about a year. And then I had a one night stand with my best friend during Christmas break.

2

Several months later I found myself fooling around with another one of my best friends. For months I had a fooling around, but never sex, relationship with my best friend. I finally had enough and ended it.

2.5

I found a new guy. He was amazing, spoiled me rotten. But he wanted only a friends with benefits relationship. I agreed. I fell for him, or maybe I feel for the way he treated me. Then he left suddenly, leaving for medical school within a short notice. I haven't seen him since.

3

The next year I found myself doing things i'm not proud of. I met someone offline, met him at a motel room and had sex with him. I barely knew his name. I've never talked with him after that.

4

And then I started sleeping with my friends again. I had several 3sums with some of my close college friends. Then our school closed and I barely see them now.

5, 6, 7

Over the summer I drunkenly had sex with another one of my best friends.

8

And then I slept with the original first friend, solely for pity sex. The last person he was with was me, a year and a half ago, that Christmas vacation.

2

Then I had another 3sum with my college friends.

5, 6

I promised myself this needed to stop.

Most of the sex I had was unprotected and I was drunk out of my mind most times.

For a while I was good. And then my best friend got into a terrible car accident. We found ourselves fooling around again.

2.5

And then I finally met someone. Someone I wanted to actually have a relationship with again.

9

The first thing he said to me was honesty is something he truly believes in and lives by. I couldn't believe it, I felt the same way. Honesty is my number one rule. I don't care if you killed someone, just let me know, maybe I can be of some help. Just kidding.

I was so nervous at first, I actually cancelled our first date because the anxiety was unreal. It was awkward and weird at first leading up to our first date, but I got past it. When I'm with him time doesn't exist. We literally spend hours together, sometimes in complete silence, and it's perfect.

We've been together for about a month now. We met at work.

But I have fears.

He's from a different social class then I am. That scares me because I feel like I'm flaunting that I have more money, even though I don't, in his face. I feel like I am above him, not in a condescending way, but a way that divides us rather than balances us.

He's also comes from a different culture then I do. I feel inferior to that. Like he knows more than I do and it makes me feel weak and small.

And now I feel like he's hiding part of his life from me.

I know he's had a difficult up bringing. His parents divorced when he was in middle school, resulting in him having to move. He didn't adjust well to this. I feel like he doesn't have many friends.

I know his last relationship crushed him, resulting in a bad depression. His Girlfriend, at the time, slept with his (ex) Best friend.

It's only been a month, but he's told me how he doesn't feel like he's falling head over heels in love with me. I thought it was him just being scared about letting himself fall for me because of his past. But I feel like he's pulling away. I don't even know how that's possible. We haven't been together for that long. Why do I feel like this? Am I just being paranoid?