Relapsing further...
I've dropped out a lot of the groups I was doing whilst in day patients. They're not compulsary but I always used to go. I stopped going when the depression was really bad and now I just don't want to be around other people. Everything and everyone pisses me off and I just want to be alone there. Since I've been restricting my food again the suicidal thoughts have become 'just wanting to die' instead of "I'm going to throw myself off this station platform in a minute!" which is a step-up from where I was and although I know WHY these thoughts have become easier to manage (i'm using my ED coping mechanisms again) I just don't give a shit right now. In fact, part of me is just...how can I put it, embracing it? Anyway, before I was admitted as an inpatient last year (May) I'd managed to stop my over-excercising basically due to the fact that I was at home all the time so I couldn't do it anyway, and I lost the weight really quickly after xmas so it had quite an effect on my health at the time. I don't think I could have physically excercised anyway. Now though, I'm a lower weight at the moment than when I'd stopped exercising and I've taken it up again BIG TIME!!! Yesterday and today I've spent the WHOLE of the day between the meals walking. Being in the middle of London I have a huge park in one direction and the riverside in the other so I have plenty of places to go. So from 10:50am to 12:15pm I was out and then again from 2pm to 3:30pm both days. My legs KILL!!! I've gone from doing NO excercise to this. I thought it might make eating easier but it's making it harder. I'm OK with the meals at the hospital because I know I've been having those anyway. But once I'm home I don't want anything. Even though I know I've spent the day walking, in my head I'm just thinking "No cause it'll just ruin everything I've done today!"I'm really getting caught up in all this again. I'm back to obsessing about the food rather than talking about the feelings. But I'm still thinking this is better than wanting to kill myself constantly. I can actually 'function' at the moment. I don't feel half as depressed as I was the other week and it's all because of me getting further into the ED again. When it has this kind of effect on me how can I give it up? I have so much good that comes out of it!x-Bliss-x
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