relapsing (could trigger)
How funny that just yesterday I journaled about accepting myself and today I deserve nothing less than starvation and death. I HATE my fat stupid thigshs. The rest of my body is losing weight while I still hve a butt and thighs and I wish I could cut them off and if it meant bleeding to death to look thinner, so be it. I HATE myself so much. I can't do anything right. Normally I don't mention what I eat but right now I feel like I'm going to explode and possibly harm myself so I'll say it. I had half a banana, about a cup of blueberries, ten carrots, 4 Tps of hummus, a quarter of an apple, and a 100 calorie granola bar. Disgusting and greedy and piggish. I keep feeling compelled to get up and exercise and I've exercised about an hour and a half today. I HATE being at a normal weight and the fat on me reflects what a useless, worthless, undisciplined person I am. I don't even care if other people notice, I need to be thin for ME or else I'll kill myself. I don't want to live being fat. I don't want the first two numbers on the scale to be 12 and I don't think they are anymore; if they are, I'll purge everything in my stomach even though there's nothing there. I want my fucking scale back and I wan to be THIN.
Replies
Oh dear dear dear. don\'t we all.
First off, from your pics, you are thin. You are gorgeous absolutley gorgeous, i\'d kill to look like you.
From what you said you ate, Thats all healthy!!! even hummus is healthy and might i say delicious. ha anywho,
good job on the cutting ik how that goes.
I\'m soryr if this doesn\'t help much Always know im just a click away.
Megan, this worries me a ton. You\'re already very, very thin, and I don\'t want to say anything negative, but I must because I want it to help you and look at yourself rationally. In your swimsuit, I can see your bones. You are super skinny already, and I fear that if you lost anymore weight, you would wind up right in the hospital again. I know you don\'t want that for yourself.
ED makes us feel so disgusted with our bodies, doesn\'t he? Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I literally scream at the top of my lungs because I\'m so frustrated with how ED always tells me what a jiggly ball of fat I am. You are stronger than him, though, and can push through this nasty time and ignore all of these lies that he\'s telling you.
I hope you take care of yourself and eat a little more today. You DESERVE it!!!!!!!!!!!
Aww I\'m sorry you feel this way. Sounds like ED is screaming at you today isn\'t he? He\'s so abusive. I can totally relate to how your feeling (p.s. my thighs are about 3x the size of yours- freakin skating legs) You didn\'t even eat a lot. I think your perfect! :) Praying for you hun!
What you ate is by no means piggish. You didn\'t eat too much, plus it was all healthy. Don\'t feel bad about it. I looked at the pics of you in your swim suit and you are so thin. You will never be thin enough for you as long as you have an ed. It will never be enough, so don\'t kill yourself trying to be super thin. It\'s not worth it. I know you want to be The Little Mermaid on Broadway someday and I can tell you from experience you CAN be too thin for show biz. I don\'t want you to go through the trouble I am going through to obtain a dream.
hi dear...i am so sorry that ed is so strong for you right now, but am so glad that you journaled honestly how you are feeling... i can relate so much... but like everyone else who has commented, i so wish you could see yourself like others see you... i know it\'s not that simple... but please try to fight some of the ed thoughts and at least acknowledge you do NOT see yourself clearly.. and my dear, any nutritionist would tell you that you have nOT eaten enough for today to even sustain you.. your body needs nourishment to heal... there is a part of you that wants to be well, that wants to kick ed in the ass.. that wants to feel good physically, to be alive...and does NOT want to end up back in the hospital.. let that part of you read these messages and know you are not alone, you can beat this.. you are special and deserve attention because of the amazingly wise, spunky, fun, charming, kind, and sensitive person you are, NOT because you are thin... please hang in there and keep writing and let us know how you are doing...
if u become thin for u like u say u want to...u might just end up dead....and idk about u...but i dont think trading ur life for a short stint in a size 0 is worth this.......
ED is screaming in your ear and you must tell him to SHUT UP. What you ate was not too much at all, you are already tiny, you so not need to lose an ounce, at the point you are at losing weight will only hurt your appearance, you do not need to lose weight to be happy...... blah, I know you can rationally hear all these things and accepting them is another thing all together, but I hope you can stand up to ED and stop letting him bully you around. HUGS hun, please hang in there, what would you say to all of the rest of us if we wrote what you did. You always give such good advice and you need to take some it too.
Look back at the last journal you wrote. What happened to that strong, positive girl? ED is trying to control you again. I read this entry and all I could think was that ED wrote this, not you. ED wants you to starve, not you. What will you gain if you give into ED? Will people love you more? No. Will you love yourself more? No, because ED will always tell you you aren\'t good enough no matter what size you are. The only thing you will gain from this is a life with ED. And as we all know, life with ED is miserable. So please, no matter how loud ED is screaming in your ear, scream right back. Keep fighting.
Honey this entry breaks my heart. I hate that ed makes us focus, and determine ourselves for our worth and beauty for whats on the outside. HOW BUT SEEING THE BEAUTY WITHIN YOU! I need sunglass everytime i read your journal comments and your hugs, because theirs so much beauty within you, so much love, and so much encouragement. To me, thats BEAUTY! REAL BEAUTY! So please. SCREW END, and look within. I love you.
sorry that was suppose to say SCREW ED!
SO worried about you my darling girl!!!! I know how you feel about cutting the fat off, I think about it myself all the time....I just want you to get better....LOVE YOU HATE ED.,
I\'m so sorry you feel so horrible. You are thin and beautiful. You don\'t need to lose more weight. I wish the scale started with a 12 for me. You didn\'t eat a lot of food and it was all healthy low calorie food. You are not a pig!