relapsing (could trigger)

How funny that just yesterday I journaled about accepting myself and today I deserve nothing less than starvation and death. I HATE my fat stupid thigshs. The rest of my body is losing weight while I still hve a butt and thighs and I wish I could cut them off and if it meant bleeding to death to look thinner, so be it. I HATE myself so much. I can't do anything right. Normally I don't mention what I eat but right now I feel like I'm going to explode and possibly harm myself so I'll say it. I had half a banana, about a cup of blueberries, ten carrots, 4 Tps of hummus, a quarter of an apple, and a 100 calorie granola bar. Disgusting and greedy and piggish. I keep feeling compelled to get up and exercise and I've exercised about an hour and a half today. I HATE being at a normal weight and the fat on me reflects what a useless, worthless, undisciplined person I am. I don't even care if other people notice, I need to be thin for ME or else I'll kill myself. I don't want to live being fat. I don't want the first two numbers on the scale to be 12 and I don't think they are anymore; if they are, I'll purge everything in my stomach even though there's nothing there. I want my fucking scale back and I wan to be THIN.