relapse- may trigger
I had a minor relapse tonight- I have no idea what spurred it, I am on pretty solid ground here and looking to move on. I burned instead of cut, which was something I rarely ever did. I do this really weird thing where I will take a lighter and heat a safety pin and almost brand myself. It's really crazy and I'm ashamed to say it. The only good thing is I did it on my ankles so nobody ever has to see it. The scars from it will fade, it's not like it's a third degree or anything.
Tomorrow I am hopefully going to this spooky amusement park type thing with my brother and our neighbors. I hope it happens, I need to get out because this is mine and my ex's anniversary weekend. So for that reason, my friend is coming over Saturday night and we are gonna drink (at my house, and she's sleeping over because I don't want her driving.) My ex was really judgmental of people who drank for reasons I won't say here, but I always felt it was kind of not quite justified, and this is kind of like a final "fuck you" to working so hard to please her. Imma do me. =)
Oh, and on another note, I chose not to send the video. Hopefully I can keep making that decision each day. I still have it saved, but I don't really have any desire to send it to her anymore. I'll never be happy with anyone else until I'm happy with myself. I'm kind of having fun just being me right now, without the constant heartache of being hurt and ignored by someone.
Oh, and I have a bacterial infection in my chest. It's super grody and it kills to swallow. GROSS OVERSHARE: I keep coughing phlegm up, and there's a ton of blood in it from my throat, because the cuts there from my incessant purging this summer are so inflamed with my throat...serves me right!! More incentive to stay on track!
Tomorrow I am hopefully going to this spooky amusement park type thing with my brother and our neighbors. I hope it happens, I need to get out because this is mine and my ex's anniversary weekend. So for that reason, my friend is coming over Saturday night and we are gonna drink (at my house, and she's sleeping over because I don't want her driving.) My ex was really judgmental of people who drank for reasons I won't say here, but I always felt it was kind of not quite justified, and this is kind of like a final "fuck you" to working so hard to please her. Imma do me. =)
Oh, and on another note, I chose not to send the video. Hopefully I can keep making that decision each day. I still have it saved, but I don't really have any desire to send it to her anymore. I'll never be happy with anyone else until I'm happy with myself. I'm kind of having fun just being me right now, without the constant heartache of being hurt and ignored by someone.
Oh, and I have a bacterial infection in my chest. It's super grody and it kills to swallow. GROSS OVERSHARE: I keep coughing phlegm up, and there's a ton of blood in it from my throat, because the cuts there from my incessant purging this summer are so inflamed with my throat...serves me right!! More incentive to stay on track!
Replies
glad ur stayingon track being purge free go you! have fun on sat night hun kp mvn on
oh wow it sounds like you\'re doing great, much more positive, keep smiling
:-)
i\'m sorry you SIed, that\'s always a bummer, but it seems like you have a great attitude about it! have fun this weekend :)
Even though you si\'ed it seems like you are in a good place....keeep it up!
I\'m sorry I missed your last journal until now!!! I am not receiving my Email alerts -- the migration has seemed to screw them up. I get a few, but there\'s plenty more that I DON\'T get!!!
I\'m so glad you had a nice time at UMass and that you\'re pretty sure that you\'d like to attend there, come Spring!!!! If you already have a good feeling about doing that, I think it\'s almost a sure thing that it\'s the right move!!!!
I\'ve cut, but never burned, so it sounds horrible to me, LOLOL!!!! Both things sound crazy, but SI is kind of a compulsion thing, and seems to serve a purpose. (It\'s just a same we can\'t find that feeling of relief in a healthier way!!!)
Even though I see no appeal in burning, it sounds like it\'s a better choice when it comes to not leaving permanent scarring. At least the way you did it. If that\'s less physically damaging and gives you as much relief as cutting, that\'s the best way to go, if you can\'t keep from SI at all!!!!!
I\'m glad that you\'ve got something really fun lined up for this particular weekend!!! I hope it helps get you through the anniversary of a very sad event.
Yeah, not sending the video is probably the best way to go. I hope you found making it cathartic!!!
Ha!!! You know I don\'t approve of the drinking, but if you have to complete this ritual in order to find closure, so be it!!!! (Just stay safe!!!!)
I don\'t like the sound of this infection you have!!! Are you on antibiotics for it? Or at least gone to the doctor!!!? I hope you don\'t get worse!!! And that you\'re well enough to get a lot of fun out of going to the spooky amusement park thing!!!!
Stay safe there, too!!!! I\'ve watched enough movies to know what happens when teenagers got to spooky, amusement park places, around Halloween!!!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!!!! (((((Hugs)))))
Sorry about the relapse but it also sounds like you are making some very good choices. I am glad you are puytting the past behind you and having some good times! I KNEW you could do it and I am very proud of you!