relapse- may trigger

I had a minor relapse tonight- I have no idea what spurred it, I am on pretty solid ground here and looking to move on. I burned instead of cut, which was something I rarely ever did. I do this really weird thing where I will take a lighter and heat a safety pin and almost brand myself. It's really crazy and I'm ashamed to say it. The only good thing is I did it on my ankles so nobody ever has to see it. The scars from it will fade, it's not like it's a third degree or anything.
Tomorrow I am hopefully going to this spooky amusement park type thing with my brother and our neighbors. I hope it happens, I need to get out because this is mine and my ex's anniversary weekend. So for that reason, my friend is coming over Saturday night and we are gonna drink (at my house, and she's sleeping over because I don't want her driving.) My ex was really judgmental of people who drank for reasons I won't say here, but I always felt it was kind of not quite justified, and this is kind of like a final "fuck you" to working so hard to please her. Imma do me. =)
Oh, and on another note, I chose not to send the video. Hopefully I can keep making that decision each day. I still have it saved, but I don't really have any desire to send it to her anymore. I'll never be happy with anyone else until I'm happy with myself. I'm kind of having fun just being me right now, without the constant heartache of being hurt and ignored by someone.
Oh, and I have a bacterial infection in my chest. It's super grody and it kills to swallow. GROSS OVERSHARE: I keep coughing phlegm up, and there's a ton of blood in it from my throat, because the cuts there from my incessant purging this summer are so inflamed with my throat...serves me right!! More incentive to stay on track!