Relapse.

I was on day 13 and I drank. I don't know what I was thinking, I am not sure if after gong to AA and being so intensley triggered, led to me leaping off the wagon, or what. but it feels so unbelivably horrible, the regret and shame I feel right now is debilitating. I feel like such a failure, I worked so hard to stay sober, I havn't been sober for that long in years. All 13 days down the drain; and for what? a short black out and a two day hang over. it reminds me how much I do not want to drink, I felt so dirty!!! I gave into this pathetic act and got nothing from it but what I deserve to feel. So, now I start at day one...again, sober. I was not getting on this website for about the last week, and I think that may have been part of my problem, thinking I was just fine without all the love and support I get from people on here. I am not strong enough yet to really make it through this on my own and that is a lesson very well learned after friday night/early Sat morning. I let everyone down, and most of all I let myself down, reading my other posts n here and how well I was doing and....now I feel as though I am back at square one. I dont want to end up on my death bed having missed out on most of my life being blacked out and drunk 24/7. I felt so strong and when I would have an intence craving I would tell everyone who is supporting me, so I could be held accontable. and friday night I kept saying to myself, I dont have to do this, I could call someone. I could just not drink.... but I did. I had this image in my head that it would feel so good...no. it was just gross and felt ugly. I was weak. so I am taking today to wollow in my regret, to make sure I really learn from this and tomorrw, back to my new job that I love, and it will be day 2.