Relapse

I've recently gone back to looking at picture of self harm, for me this is a release. 
I used to cut in weird places I guess, on my back, the fleshy section on my palm below my thumb... I know why these are my 'go to places' but I'm trying so hard not to go that far... Hence the pictures.
i don't want to simply because I'd hate it if my ex ever did that to herself as she too use to be prone to it before we were together. I feel that if I cut again I'll be completely cutting off any chance of her reconsidering me.
But I'm scared of what will happen if she says no about us trying again. I use to think of death, or dying and how relaxing that moment would be. I wouldn't want it to be quick and messy, I'd want to enjoy the drifting off process. Just the thought makes me smile, something I haven't done in days. Pain was never an issue for me, I fixate so much on the relief that the pain is blocked out. My problem is that I'm too head strong, too stubborn.
i could never tell her this, it would be an incidental form of emotional blackmail so instead I just sit and wait, hoping that she'll say yes. The silence kills me, not having a reply but I'm scared that a 'no' might actually kill me.