Rejection - Relationships
I have been rejected all of my life. I realized today that these two actors that I really don't like (who have similar physical charactoristics) remind me of one of the guys that rejected me.
I was married for 16 years to a man that resented being married to me so strongly that he did everything to make sure that I was unhappy in the marriage. After I had finally had enough and left him he immediately (within 3 days) sought out someone to replace me and our children. Before 6 months was up he had moved in with a woman who had 2 children that just happened to have the same names as our two children.
The only guy that ever really wanted me I rejected. I don't know whether that is merely ironic or just plain sad. To have a life with him was to forever abandon the things that I had felt were "normal" in life - and to never ever have possessions that he would not trade for whatever he wanted at the moment.
Trying to find a "lifestyle" that I can live with has been a road of misery. I think that I've been looking to establish my mother's life and do not believe that I have ever found what would or could be normal for me. The thing is that I find the lifestyle that is "normal" in this society to be appalling and expensive. When you cannot earn money expensive is something you cannot do!
When I owned the 3 family house and my daughter completely trashed the 2nd floor, the social worker that came by insisted that I pay to repair the damage. Without rent for the 2nd floor (my daughter was 3 1/2 years behind paying rent after 6 years), my finances were strapped to the limits and I could not pay someone to come in and make the repairs. What I could not do myself could not be done.
Now, I have a farmhouse in need of renovations and I have been out of work for the better part of 5 years. I just had back surgery last month and have not fully recovered from it. There have been constant distractions due to doctors visits, troubles with the child, and unbelievable pain. Supposedly by the end of the summer I will be fully recovered and able to move on, but a part of me just doesn't want to get a job and establish myself here.
There are not alot of jobs in Maine to begin with, but I seem to be living in a dead zone. There do not seem to be any businesses within 50 miles of me that are thriving. The downtown area is one street with maybe a half dozen businesses - the only steady businesses are the banks, the church, and the hardware store.
Worse, it has been my experience that there are not alot of "professional" people living up here. It took 3 years to find someone to service my furnace, for instance, and the second time that I had it serviced they didn't do the entire job - they did not change the "filter" because it was outside.
So I cannot find people to do work on the place, if I had the money to pay them, so the place falls apart around me. Some of the repairs I need, such as the missing ice shield on the back of the house and the siding, need to be replaced because the previous owners had the same problem finding a "professional" to do the work and did the work themselves - improperly. So the roof leaks and the wind pours right through the improperly installed siding and I spend 6 months every year cold and miserable.
With all of this, I am still sitting here thinking about being alone, dealing with all of this alone. Nobody has ever really wanted to help me, excluding my mother (who more wants to control me).
I always thought that a "couple" dealt with the issues of life together, thus lessening the burdens, but this has not been my experience. Whenever I partner with someone (including my current situation, in which I have my brother living with me supposedly sharing the burdens) the person I partner with adds his burdens to mine and I have to shoulder all of it alone.
I was married for 16 years to a man that resented being married to me so strongly that he did everything to make sure that I was unhappy in the marriage. After I had finally had enough and left him he immediately (within 3 days) sought out someone to replace me and our children. Before 6 months was up he had moved in with a woman who had 2 children that just happened to have the same names as our two children.
The only guy that ever really wanted me I rejected. I don't know whether that is merely ironic or just plain sad. To have a life with him was to forever abandon the things that I had felt were "normal" in life - and to never ever have possessions that he would not trade for whatever he wanted at the moment.
Trying to find a "lifestyle" that I can live with has been a road of misery. I think that I've been looking to establish my mother's life and do not believe that I have ever found what would or could be normal for me. The thing is that I find the lifestyle that is "normal" in this society to be appalling and expensive. When you cannot earn money expensive is something you cannot do!
When I owned the 3 family house and my daughter completely trashed the 2nd floor, the social worker that came by insisted that I pay to repair the damage. Without rent for the 2nd floor (my daughter was 3 1/2 years behind paying rent after 6 years), my finances were strapped to the limits and I could not pay someone to come in and make the repairs. What I could not do myself could not be done.
Now, I have a farmhouse in need of renovations and I have been out of work for the better part of 5 years. I just had back surgery last month and have not fully recovered from it. There have been constant distractions due to doctors visits, troubles with the child, and unbelievable pain. Supposedly by the end of the summer I will be fully recovered and able to move on, but a part of me just doesn't want to get a job and establish myself here.
There are not alot of jobs in Maine to begin with, but I seem to be living in a dead zone. There do not seem to be any businesses within 50 miles of me that are thriving. The downtown area is one street with maybe a half dozen businesses - the only steady businesses are the banks, the church, and the hardware store.
Worse, it has been my experience that there are not alot of "professional" people living up here. It took 3 years to find someone to service my furnace, for instance, and the second time that I had it serviced they didn't do the entire job - they did not change the "filter" because it was outside.
So I cannot find people to do work on the place, if I had the money to pay them, so the place falls apart around me. Some of the repairs I need, such as the missing ice shield on the back of the house and the siding, need to be replaced because the previous owners had the same problem finding a "professional" to do the work and did the work themselves - improperly. So the roof leaks and the wind pours right through the improperly installed siding and I spend 6 months every year cold and miserable.
With all of this, I am still sitting here thinking about being alone, dealing with all of this alone. Nobody has ever really wanted to help me, excluding my mother (who more wants to control me).
I always thought that a "couple" dealt with the issues of life together, thus lessening the burdens, but this has not been my experience. Whenever I partner with someone (including my current situation, in which I have my brother living with me supposedly sharing the burdens) the person I partner with adds his burdens to mine and I have to shoulder all of it alone.
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