Rejection
I have rejection issues. This has been a new insight into myself that I have gotten over the last 24 hours. I can see my rejection issues as a vein running through my whole life as far back as I can remember. Realizing this has helped a lot of things make sense to me and plays into my A time as well.
It ties into my last journal about communion too. I had a good talk with my priest today. A very good talk. I feel such relief about the whole thing. I told him that I realize now that the reason the penance is hurting me so much is because it makes me feel rejected by God and him and the church on the services when I stand there and am not allowed to go take communion even though I would gladly do whatever preparations would be required of me. It makes me feel rejection and shame and sadness. I told him that I know that this is not the way the penance is intended to affect me and that I need to find a way to change that.
What he told me I think may finally help me get to a better place with this no matter how long it lasts. He gave me first of all a prayer to say often, as often as I need it. It starts with the words, "I thank Thee that Thou hast not rejected me a sinner. It's a rather long and lovely prayer, but that first line is the most important for me. He assured me that rejection is not intended and that the times between communions (usually 3 to 6 weeks between) are best viewed as a time of extended preparation; extended thanksgiving from the last time and extended preparations for the next time. He described it in terms of a vineyard. The grapes are tended, watered, fertilized, nurtured, until the time of harvest. My times between communion are a time of thanksgiving and preparation, a time of tending and preparing for the next harvest. He gave me some other ideas about what do during communion when I am not communing and what to do any other time I am dealing with feelings of rejection or shame.
It still may hurt. I communed for Easter and I am communing next week, so in two weeks when I begin my time of preparation for the next time (I think it will be more than a month) we will see if I am in a better place within. I was so scared to really open up to Fr Peter about all of this but I am so glad I did and he was glad I did. I feel so much better and Easter was great!
It ties into my last journal about communion too. I had a good talk with my priest today. A very good talk. I feel such relief about the whole thing. I told him that I realize now that the reason the penance is hurting me so much is because it makes me feel rejected by God and him and the church on the services when I stand there and am not allowed to go take communion even though I would gladly do whatever preparations would be required of me. It makes me feel rejection and shame and sadness. I told him that I know that this is not the way the penance is intended to affect me and that I need to find a way to change that.
What he told me I think may finally help me get to a better place with this no matter how long it lasts. He gave me first of all a prayer to say often, as often as I need it. It starts with the words, "I thank Thee that Thou hast not rejected me a sinner. It's a rather long and lovely prayer, but that first line is the most important for me. He assured me that rejection is not intended and that the times between communions (usually 3 to 6 weeks between) are best viewed as a time of extended preparation; extended thanksgiving from the last time and extended preparations for the next time. He described it in terms of a vineyard. The grapes are tended, watered, fertilized, nurtured, until the time of harvest. My times between communion are a time of thanksgiving and preparation, a time of tending and preparing for the next harvest. He gave me some other ideas about what do during communion when I am not communing and what to do any other time I am dealing with feelings of rejection or shame.
It still may hurt. I communed for Easter and I am communing next week, so in two weeks when I begin my time of preparation for the next time (I think it will be more than a month) we will see if I am in a better place within. I was so scared to really open up to Fr Peter about all of this but I am so glad I did and he was glad I did. I feel so much better and Easter was great!
Replies
I\'m so glad you opened up to your priest about this and got clarity. That\'s a good thing. You know, Gabrielle, I am Catholic, and I am looking forward to the day I can clearly give a full and open confession. Happy Easter.
Sounds like your priest really helped you. In my church we did not have to give a private confession with all the \"shameful\" details. We got off ;easy by all of us in the congregation saying a general public confession. We said we had sinned in thought, word, and deed. We also confessed to \"thoughts and desires which we cannot fully understand but which are all known unto Thee.\" The communion was very similar to the Catholic \"Our Lord, on the night in which He was betrayed took bread saying \"This is my body, given for thee, this is my blood shed for many.\"
Many years ago I heard the sentiment that \"correction is a gift\" and I try to keep that in mind when getting constructive criticism, etc.
I\'ve been on DS almost 4 yeas now (gasp!) and have always been so impressed with the effort and intent you put towards rebuilding and getting back to a place of wholeness.
Maybe the next time you are watching the others take communion, you can thank God for setting you apart from the others who are living with similar sin and not working towards redemption. You have been specially chosen and given something concrete to work towards. You\'ve been given the gift of a corrected path while so many others are stuck on a much darker one. Ironically, probably some of those who are allowed to take communion.
You\'re not in a place of rejection, you are in a place of honor because you weren\'t allowed to stray from the flock. Proof that God loves you, forgives you, and is holding a place for you within the safety of the church. You are special.
Thanks for your responses.
Lisa, what you said is very helpful and means a lot to me. Thank you, it almost brought me to tears. I think I will write that last paragraph on a sticky note and put it where I can see it. You are special too. :-)
Very well put, Lisa
Thanks Gabi, Your journal has inspired me to write about something that I have struggled with for a very long time, and i still havent come to grips with. Dealing with church when you are a CS can have all kinds of terrible consequences. You are blessed that your priest uplifted you. I on the other hand was cast out. As Always Be Blessed - GaC
What Lisa said resonated with me as well. I have always believed that we are here to learn a valuable lesson. Sometimes it takes a mistake to learn what our lesson or weakness is. You should feel fortunate that you are on the path of learning as you are so far ahead of those who still don\'t know what their lesson is.
Thanks for your kind comments on my journal! : )
I wish I could say it as well as my devotional (Streams in the Desert) does, but oh, how I have learned from it recently that we truly go deeper with God in our brokenness. It is sad and beautiful at the same time. Let God be there for you in your rejection that you feel and heal you and fill the broken spots. Let them be filled with his warming light. God bless you.