Regular Session And Massage Therapy Duo

I went to my therapist today and then to the massage therapist.  We had a regular session – no exposures or experiments.  Then at the massage therapist I tried a 10 minute sacral cranial (not sure if I got the name correctly) and she gave that to me free just to try it AND a 10 minute chair massage that I paid for.  That was really nice of her.  With my therapist I did bring a bag with my change of clothes she put in her drawer for me and a couple more goodies.  I brought an extra thick pad from Serenity that I found that I got at a sample.  It says Overnight Protection.  She said it’s not as bulky as “Big Bertha” – that’s for sure.  She asked me if I wanted to try it at home and I said no, I wanted to try it here.  But I didn’t want to put it in my bag with my clothes because I didn’t know when I’d try it and I didn’t want to accidently take it home.  So she kept it for me separately in the drawer somewhere.    The first thing she did was commented on my color of clothes I was wearing that it was pretty – a nice aqua color.  And commented that, as always, I’m matched (I guess she meant my shoes & jewelry).  I just said thanks and passed it on quickly.  I’m not great on compliments and I wanted to get started and move on.  Always so much to talk about.  But this has to be getting better with double sessions.  I also had her CD she let me borrow from last week I gave back to her and the “Exactly Right” CD from the Wearing Your Jeans thing I went to with my friends this weekend.  I let her keep it – she said it may be a while to get it back to me because she has to wait for her son to load it on her IPod.  That’s OK.  I listened to it yesterday.  The first thing I did was start out thanking her for what she does with me – the exposures and the experiments and such.  I told her I’d never do them with anyone and I don’t even want people knowing about my problem let alone do these.  She smiled thanked me for telling her.  And I also said how I don’t think people thank people enough and praise them enough and I wanted to do so.  I’ve been so wrapped up in my stuff so much.  I was going to tell her more about praying for her, her illness and how I care, etc.  But I didn’t – I chickened out.  Oh, well. Maybe another time.  I just didn’t want to seem too “mushy” but I think she does need to know.    I told her how I come in with my ideas and how she never shoots them down.  We do whatever we need to do.  And my family would shoot them down.  It gives me confidence that there are people out there who would no do that.  She didn’t realize it that my husband puts me down for things a lot.  No praising but he’s so good to me in other ways.  She asked how maybe that’s where my kids got it from.  Probably but you’d think 1 out of the 3 would be like me.  I’m not like that at all.    I told her how I didn’t want to do an exposure or experiment today at all. She said it’s raining.  I know but I wouldn’t anyway.  I just can’t again and I have enough with this cranial thing afterwards and laying down and I don’t want anything to “come out” or “release”.  She understood.  I don’t want to wet my pants again and have a bag!  I told her I’ll wait a little bit when I have to go but not a lot. I said how I’ll do an exposure on Thursday, I promise – because I know the trip is only a month away and I have to.  We only had 3 weeks last time and I felt like that wasn’t enough. I didn’t know what yet because I think about it but then try not to but we’ll do something.    Then we talked about last week and what happened.  I told her I want to try again.  It all happened so fast – maybe within 10-20 seconds.  And she knows me – when I have determination I keep going as long as I can to do it.  And, I think there’s something to waiting longer if I don’t escalate it.  She said she went to a seminar on Friday and she thought of me.  For the first time she’d ever heard, the speaker said when someone’s is very stressed the first thing is they have to go to the bathroom – sometimes as much as every 10 minutes.  It’s a double whammy for me because that’s what happens and it’s such a sensitive area for me anyway.  She said something about my bladder capacity and that’s when I told her I don’t know if I’m (can’t remember the exact words) trying this for nothing or beating up against a wall or not.  Maybe that is my bladder capacity and I just can’t hold more.  But maybe it’s not and I sure want to try if I can.    I said how I remember telling her I wanted to stick it out and then the next thing I knew we were walking back inside and I was going to the bathroom.   I don’t know what I did or said that that happened.  She said I did that indication (she kinda motioned the hands on my thighs – I do this so she can’t see anything) that something was about to happen and she thought we better walk back.  She said maybe I said something, too.  She said I just pushed myself a little too far.  I told her I’m looking for longer.  It doesn’t have to be another 10 minutes – just one more time around without escalating.  That would be great.    What we did last week was great with the 10 minute deeper relaxation.  That I can do it – although I was real conscience of not going to the bathroom.  And that stomping and hitting the pillow and throwing it down – that was great, too.  And when I came out of the bathroom and she held her arms up and said, “Yeah!”  At first I thought, “What is she doing?”  Then I thought that she did that because I did it in the first place – that I was brave enough and that I tried.  She said, yes and she didn’t want me to get in that shame mode.  I said I didn’t like I would have in the past for days.  But I did dream off & on all night that night that I had accidents in front of people – it kept happening.  So it shows it’s still on my mind.  She knows how hard I’m trying at home about drinking more and waiting longer.  She said to maybe time it at home when I’m just doing stuff and relaxed.  And she asked me how long I thought.  I told her first maybe 5-10 minutes.  I’m not even sure why I said that – it is longer now.  She said, no between times I have to go to the bathroom.  I told her it depends how much I’ve been drinking.  If I’m not drinking I can go hours – I didn’t think she believed me – but I could.  If I am drinking it’s less.  We talked about what I should be drinking and what I am drinking is not the same but I’m getting much better.  And she said it’s good I flush my system out.  I know.  I also do it thinking if I drink a lot I won’t eat as much because I feel like I’m getting fat.  She didn’t comment.  Does she too think I’m getting fat or does she think I have just an issue with it and she’s not saying?  Don’t know.  I don’t do the more drinking every day but a lot more than I used to.   We talked about my granddaughter coming home – yeah – and how much love she gives me – an over abundance.  She said now maybe I know how my daughter feels.  I told her how I remember when I had 3 little kids.  There’s a song “Leave Me Alone” and I felt that way sometimes.  With the 3 little kids, my best friend calling all the time, my Mom.  She said yes, and now my life is not like that at all.  No, and I’m not liking it.  I told her I wanted to go over there with presents for the kids when she got home.  But I gave them their space that they had other things to do.  We talked about how much I miss my son and really feel it in my heart and I hope he comes home very soon.  I even played a part of a Judy Collins song “Someday Soon” that makes me want to cry when I hear it.  She asked me how often I listen to it.  About every day – I go through a little to my 610 songs alphabetically quickly.  Her son will return in December (he’s been gone about 2 years but they’ve seen him 3 times so far) and her other son is away at school and will be back soon.  I asked her how she likes being an empty nester.  I don’t think she likes it too well and says it’s ‘different.’  There’s a song I can’t listen to that reminds me of Amy when she was so bad she had to live away for a while.  The artist is screaming, “Mama, Mama!” and I can’t listen to it because that’s what she did when that happened.    We talked a little about the swine flu in Mexico.  I think she forgot about the trip I won.  She thought my girl trip.  I told her I’m afraid to go if it’s really bad there.  My husband doesn’t seem to care.  She said the kids she sees would worry & worry about things like that.  I said it’s too far away – anything could happen between now and then – good or bad.  We just have to wait and see.  We talked about this thing I went to with my friends this weekend.  How I was anxious and almost felt responsible that they’d have a good time.  And how I came and didn’t get a chance to check out the bathrooms at first.  Then later I went, without telling them where I was going, because I knew I needed to to take care of myself.  And, I worried off & on the whole day.  I hardly drank, hardly went when I went but I was so scared.   But that’s what I do.   I told her about the speaker about finding what you do good and do it.  Do the things you like and others too and you can come together.  And the piece of the puzzle – the out parts that are you’re strengths and you are proud of and the inner that you don’t like about yourself and may be ashamed.  That’s where you can have other help you (like she does for me) and maybe even laugh at it.  I related my problem.  She asked me about my good things.  I thought of 2 off the top of my head:  really liking to be with people & helping them and organizing.  She asked me if I thought about helping elderly people.  I said I’m not sure because I get antsy and want to keep going fast with people and for myself.  And that we need to talk about this for my girl trip because I’m so much faster than they are.  When I first started telling her this story I had to go to the bathroom.  But soon I couldn’t concentrate so she asked me if I just wanted to go because I wasn’t going to wait that long anyway.  Yes and I did.  I only waited maybe 4-5 minutes.    I wanted to look at another throwing up video.  She commented, “My favorite part of the day,” kind of sarcastically.  I told her we don’t have to do it if it bothers her.  She said no, it’s OK.  So she chose one and it wasn’t that bad because it was almost fake.  I told her I’d look at it at home everyday for a while.  I could because it wasn’t that bad.  It didn’t seem real.  She said it’s good to start out with something like that one.    After the massage therapist – because she talks a lot and she gave me the 2 types  – I saw my therapist when I was leaving in the hallway.  I waved and while I was walking out I motioned to her to come, I wanted to tell her something.  I told her how she did both and I took care of my self and went to the bathroom before she did the second one.  I just told her I’d be right back.  She could tell I was proud and said, “Fantastic!”  She told me earlier there’s a robe in there now that she brought in.  I didn’t have to use it to go – I was fully clothed.  Now about the cranial thing.  I felt really nothing.  She said my left side was a little more active than my right side.  I may not feel anything at first.  Left is feminine side and right is masculine.  We’ll see what happens.  I scheduled a couple more massages – both after my therapist.  I asked her if I resisted at all.  No, she didn’t think so but I noticed how the cranial got me to relax but my shoulders were tense right up again when she did the chair massage.    I went back this evening to watch my grandson in the waiting room during their session.  It started out with him throwing a fit:  kicking, screaming and all.  My daughter’s boyfriend had to hold him down.  A couple came in and they were nice and tried to talk to him too.  He wouldn’t even respond to me!  So when our therapist came out I mouthed to her, “Good luck” and about his screaming.  I think she heard.  He and my daughter went in and he came out with a puzzle all happy.  She works miracles.  Even when that couple came back out they were nice and talked to my little grandson.    We played the puzzle and colored, too.  When my daughter came out the first thing she said to me was they might be coming over tonight.  He wouldn’t let her talk and it was a bad, bad session.  I couldn’t even get straight out of them when the next one was.  May 5th sometime – I think.  When we left I told her to let me know if she needs anything and we hugged & kissed.  I did notice when our therapist came out to get the puzzle she said, “Take care.”  Was she trying to tell me now good luck?  Whew!