Regrets
A song I had on the playlist I played for Dina in the hospital just came on the radio and made me think of the 4 months Dina was hospitalized before her death, as many things do. This time, however, I thought of some of the regrets I have in hindsight. There are mainly two that I look back on now that things ended far differently than we were expecting.
The first is not spending more nights at the hospital with her. I spent a weekend in February at the hospital with her while a blizzard buried Boston and then the weekend that her father passed away, which turned out to be the last weekend that Dina was alive. That's it. I was with her every day during this time but only 4 nights in the same room together in 4 months. I know during this time it was more important for me to be home with our 3 year old daughter and give her stability but I can't help but look back now and regret not spending more nights there with her. She usually didn't sleep great there, as one can imagine, so the nights were typically her loneliest times and her mind would go to some dark places at times. The nights I was there I was up with her when she was awake and able to talk to her and I know that comforted her. I just wish I could have done that more.
The second regret I think about most is treating April 10th, the day before she passed away, like any other day. She had just moved to rehab the day before, which was the same day her father was buried and she couldn't be there, but it was nice to know something so positive was happening on such a sad day. I took April 10th off as well just to be able to spend a little more time with Dina (it was a Wednesday and I worked half the day in the office on Wednesdays during this time). I got to the rehab hospital in the late morning and it was a typical visit...talk a little, updates from the nurse, watch some TV, brush her hair, rub her feet...whatever she wanted. I went down with her for an x-ray and in the afternoon she did PT, which at that point was walking with a walker. It was like any other day. The only difference was she had a pretty bad headache and was just generally wiped out. Between her father passing away less than a week before and moving to a new place this all made sense. I look back and wonder why I didn't push for something more to be done about the long running headache she had, but again, it made sense given everything that was happening at the time. I left at my usual time that day and the following morning is when they found the hemorrhage and she died that afternoon. I never got to talk to her again or really say goodbye and make sure she knew what she meant to me.
I know this is all hindsight. I know I could not have done any more than I did during those 4 months. But it still sucks to look back and have regrets like this, especially when you know you couldn't have really done anything differently.
The first is not spending more nights at the hospital with her. I spent a weekend in February at the hospital with her while a blizzard buried Boston and then the weekend that her father passed away, which turned out to be the last weekend that Dina was alive. That's it. I was with her every day during this time but only 4 nights in the same room together in 4 months. I know during this time it was more important for me to be home with our 3 year old daughter and give her stability but I can't help but look back now and regret not spending more nights there with her. She usually didn't sleep great there, as one can imagine, so the nights were typically her loneliest times and her mind would go to some dark places at times. The nights I was there I was up with her when she was awake and able to talk to her and I know that comforted her. I just wish I could have done that more.
The second regret I think about most is treating April 10th, the day before she passed away, like any other day. She had just moved to rehab the day before, which was the same day her father was buried and she couldn't be there, but it was nice to know something so positive was happening on such a sad day. I took April 10th off as well just to be able to spend a little more time with Dina (it was a Wednesday and I worked half the day in the office on Wednesdays during this time). I got to the rehab hospital in the late morning and it was a typical visit...talk a little, updates from the nurse, watch some TV, brush her hair, rub her feet...whatever she wanted. I went down with her for an x-ray and in the afternoon she did PT, which at that point was walking with a walker. It was like any other day. The only difference was she had a pretty bad headache and was just generally wiped out. Between her father passing away less than a week before and moving to a new place this all made sense. I look back and wonder why I didn't push for something more to be done about the long running headache she had, but again, it made sense given everything that was happening at the time. I left at my usual time that day and the following morning is when they found the hemorrhage and she died that afternoon. I never got to talk to her again or really say goodbye and make sure she knew what she meant to me.
I know this is all hindsight. I know I could not have done any more than I did during those 4 months. But it still sucks to look back and have regrets like this, especially when you know you couldn't have really done anything differently.
Replies
The bottom line is she knew. She KNEW you loved her.
When I lost my husband unexpectedly from an accident, I began to feel regret...I screamed and cried and told him how sorry I was for NOT doing certain things, and for DOING other things throughout our marriage. For two days, I compounded my grief by beating myself up...but then I realized that holding on to those regrets was only self-destructive.
Think of what you DID do...you were by her side. Through it all. You spent every day with her. You took care of your child. You DID provide stability, and that is extremely comforting to any mom. You maintained a sense of normalcy in a hideous situation. You did good. REALLY good. And she knew.