Refreshing change?
Funny thing about me. I come from a pretty dysfunctional family. I was the oldest, with two very young and immature parents. I learned early on to be pleasing, as in the best child in the room, very competitive, a perfectionist, but very kind and fiercely loyal, particularly fighting for the underdog. Basically, I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, but I also had a very keen sense of fighting for what was right.
Something happened to change that during my relationship. It wasn't even always like that with him. I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't going to be treated badly, there were plenty of other fish in the sea and all that. I'm not sure, but now I'm thinking that is exactly what made him so determined to break me, what a challenge right!? Fierce, but troubled and confused about what love and normal look like. The perfect sparring partner to take down. And so it goes, slowly and insidiously he began to break me down, confusing me and gas lighting me, then frightening me and hurting me, then shortening the leash and isolating me. It was genius really, and I'm sure he feels like quite a man for that.the perfect crime really, because solely my friends didn't recognize this meek, shell of a girl. then I didn't.
What he didn't bargain on was that something, maybe the warm, bolstering, love my grands and great grands gave me to counteract my parents mistakes and missteps, perhaps the incredible friends and teachers i had over the years who pumped up my self esteem (yep, I was a bit of a narc myself in the day....just not malignant. I would never hurt someone else, but there damn sure wasn't any mountain I thought was out of my reach!) Maybe God, the universe, something....kept calling to me, trying to keep me out of his dark places, and sometimes it was stronger than him.
Somehow, this shell of a girl stumbled on this site. Somehow she started to slowly come out of the shadows. But the fear was greater than the strength she was finding. She couldn't get out, and it caused more sickness and stress than even dealing with his crap did. The internal battle for her soul, for her very life was incredible. And it looked like she was going to give up hope, curl up and resign herself to misery for life.
Sounds funny talking about myself in third person. My thoughts are all over the place, but one thing is growing stronger by the second. Since the discovery of the "box" the other day, something is growing. It isn't even really anger or rage. It's more like this cold fire building within me. A fire that has pushed me to get that second job...and it grew. Then to download a scanner to my phone, beginning to scan and email the horrors in the box to myself....and it hot a little colder and higher. Then to figure out that he may have changed most of his passwords, but he apparently didn't think to change his phones. Perhaps he thinks I'm too afraid to take his phone from him (he would be correct), and too stupid to realize I can check his phone records online (or maybe he doesn't even realize that). So I did....hmmm, anither nail just slammed into that coffin. But that fire keeps growing. And with it, I'm starting to remember who I am, and that damn it he never did deserve me or these children. He deserves nothing.
I know he's mentally ill, and that mentally I'll people can indeed be dangerous, I'm not off the deep end. And I no longer have the desire to scream at him and pounce on him with my knowledge or suspicions or anger. I want to blindside him like he did to me. I want, when I leave and he starts to threaten and try to scare me, to be able to calmly look at him and tell him that if he wants a fight to bring it on, I'm ready for him and not only will he most assuredly lose this battle if he insists on one, but he will never be able to pick his head up and look at someone with that arrogant smirk again. I may not be able to physically hurt him, wouldn't want to. What I can hurt you with is so much worse to a narc....I can hurt your reputation, your lifestyle, your money, your stupid pride. And that's just what I plan to do. So try me you a$$.
Something happened to change that during my relationship. It wasn't even always like that with him. I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't going to be treated badly, there were plenty of other fish in the sea and all that. I'm not sure, but now I'm thinking that is exactly what made him so determined to break me, what a challenge right!? Fierce, but troubled and confused about what love and normal look like. The perfect sparring partner to take down. And so it goes, slowly and insidiously he began to break me down, confusing me and gas lighting me, then frightening me and hurting me, then shortening the leash and isolating me. It was genius really, and I'm sure he feels like quite a man for that.the perfect crime really, because solely my friends didn't recognize this meek, shell of a girl. then I didn't.
What he didn't bargain on was that something, maybe the warm, bolstering, love my grands and great grands gave me to counteract my parents mistakes and missteps, perhaps the incredible friends and teachers i had over the years who pumped up my self esteem (yep, I was a bit of a narc myself in the day....just not malignant. I would never hurt someone else, but there damn sure wasn't any mountain I thought was out of my reach!) Maybe God, the universe, something....kept calling to me, trying to keep me out of his dark places, and sometimes it was stronger than him.
Somehow, this shell of a girl stumbled on this site. Somehow she started to slowly come out of the shadows. But the fear was greater than the strength she was finding. She couldn't get out, and it caused more sickness and stress than even dealing with his crap did. The internal battle for her soul, for her very life was incredible. And it looked like she was going to give up hope, curl up and resign herself to misery for life.
Sounds funny talking about myself in third person. My thoughts are all over the place, but one thing is growing stronger by the second. Since the discovery of the "box" the other day, something is growing. It isn't even really anger or rage. It's more like this cold fire building within me. A fire that has pushed me to get that second job...and it grew. Then to download a scanner to my phone, beginning to scan and email the horrors in the box to myself....and it hot a little colder and higher. Then to figure out that he may have changed most of his passwords, but he apparently didn't think to change his phones. Perhaps he thinks I'm too afraid to take his phone from him (he would be correct), and too stupid to realize I can check his phone records online (or maybe he doesn't even realize that). So I did....hmmm, anither nail just slammed into that coffin. But that fire keeps growing. And with it, I'm starting to remember who I am, and that damn it he never did deserve me or these children. He deserves nothing.
I know he's mentally ill, and that mentally I'll people can indeed be dangerous, I'm not off the deep end. And I no longer have the desire to scream at him and pounce on him with my knowledge or suspicions or anger. I want to blindside him like he did to me. I want, when I leave and he starts to threaten and try to scare me, to be able to calmly look at him and tell him that if he wants a fight to bring it on, I'm ready for him and not only will he most assuredly lose this battle if he insists on one, but he will never be able to pick his head up and look at someone with that arrogant smirk again. I may not be able to physically hurt him, wouldn't want to. What I can hurt you with is so much worse to a narc....I can hurt your reputation, your lifestyle, your money, your stupid pride. And that's just what I plan to do. So try me you a$$.
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