Reflections on 'The Beach'

How am I going to feel when I hear the ocean for the first time since he died? I haven’t taken a beach vacation without him in 24 years. Everything is a series of ‘firsts’. My first vacation is a trip to Gatlinburg with my mother. It was supposed to have been the two of us, but he died before the trip. Even though it feels weird going without him, it’s Gatlinburg and nothing special. We would have had a wonderful vacation in Gatlinburg, no doubt, but it’s not the beach.

The beach is where our vacations lived. We took so many lovely vacations to so many lovely beaches. No matter where we were, we loved to wake up to the sound of the surf and the screaming of the gulls. We had to have a balcony. Always. That was non-negotiable. No balcony, no stay. We’d get up early, not too early! and Dave would make coffee. He’d fix us both a cup and we’d go out and sit on our balcony and sip our coffee and usually read our kindles for a while….

There’s no rush. We’re on vacation. The beach will wait for us. It’s infinitely patient. The gulls are screaming and the surf is washing in and out. The rain last night brought in some seaweed. It’s tumbling in and out with the surf. It’s trying to find purchase. There’s an irregular brown line of it further back from the shore. The receding tide left it. The man on the grooming machine will sweep it away before long.... There goes a jogger. There’s nearly always a jogger, no matter the time of day. She's tan and fit, her legs muscular. Her ponytail is swinging behind her as she runs. Her strides look effortless and I am jealous of her dedication and fitness. For a minute... Someone is flying a kite. The beach loves a kite! This one isn't fancy like some of them are. This one has a long red tail and it's whipping furiously in the wind. The breeze changes direction and I can hear the snapping noise that it makes... There’s a young boy with a boogie board. He’s pretty good!... My husband looks serene. I silently admire his strong profile for a bit. I've already read the book that he's reading and it's a good one! He's completely absorbed. Maybe I should go in and start packing the beach bag for the day. Naw. Another cup of coffee first. The beach will wait for us... My cup is empty and I give Dave a little girl pouty look. He smiles and hops up to fetch us both another cup. He brings it back and gives me a kiss. I taste my coffee and realize he spiked it with a little Bailey's. What the heck. We're on vacation. We’ll sip our coffee and read our kindles awhile longer... The surf is crashing in and out and the gulls are screaming... An elderly couple strolls down the beach, holding hands. I can tell that they're natives because their skin is brown and leathery. The man wears a floppy brimmed fishing hat and has a little pot belly... A pelican is fishing. They look so large and ungainly on land, but are so skilled and graceful at sea. He got a big one! I watch as he sits tranquilly atop the water... I reach over and rub my husband's arm. I tell him I love him and he says I love you too, baby, rather distractedly. He's really into that book! I smile and sip my coffee and listen to the surf and the screaming of the gulls. I sigh contentedly... The beach will wait for us.