Reflections on Personal Growth: Solstice 2014
I haven't journaled for a long time, due mostly to trying to keep busy plus rest alot. But also because I always have too many thoughts in my head and I also think, to write about my honest feelings may be inappropriate . My reading over the last few years about Buddhism and meditation has helped me feel more confident about having a spiritual life. It has also clarified for me that the "average" person is often tormented by conflicting emotions which are constantly changing. That makes me feel more normal and connected to the community of humanity.
I am trying to catch up on reading newsletters, mail, etc.. I get a Post Polio Syndrome newsletter sent to me in Toronto, a Canadian publication. About 60 seconds after scanning the page I become depressed and extremely irritable. This usually coincides with nasty physical symptoms but not always. I am 56 years old and only over the last year have I been able to begin clear discernment about the catastrophic crisis my life entered into about 6 years ago. It has been like solving a jigsaw puzzle.
About the PPS newsletter, I'm always filled with fear that I have "left a stone unturned". It's like an inner panic. Then in a nano second I get very angry and depressed because I have had this roller coaster of looking for the magic bullet for about 25 years now.
My sudden symptoms and rapid mood changes are constant, but I don't think existed prior to menopause about 7 years ago. Only CFS'ers could relate to the frequent crashes in one day, even one hour. I am getting better but, still have severe anxiety and anger facing people in my elevator and at a store check out, etc..Then I feel drained, guilty and desperate. It's so predictable.
I think around 2008, 4 years after I got married a number of things "happened" to me that I am only now seeing more clearly:
1. Physiological menopause, clinical anxiety and depression
2. Severe worsening of M.E. symptoms
3. Final nail in coffin re: job loss, never to be regained
4. Able to "feel" the grief, for the 1st time about family losses. (1990-my Mom died suddenly/ 2005- Dad died suddenly/ 1998-last time I saw my daughter)
5. For the first time I thought about people I had been close to that are out of my life now
Especially preparing for Xmas these issues are highlighted. Around the same time I started to lose interest in any type of preparation, decorations and traditions. It is shocking considering all the merriment I've had all my life around Xmas. This year I can feel that I am discovering a lost woman. There was so much pain and tragedy in my life, that Xmas meant nothing and actually caused emotional suffering. The most pronounced areas were:unable to have company, unable to cook or bake, no more family to visit (many relatives had passed), many lost friendships, very few seasonal events with organizations I once belonged to (I was no longer involved due to poor health, getting married and moving further, and "growing out of" some agencies)
From 1995-1999 I had a close knot CFS group. Everyone's life is in such chaos, we basically cannot communicate. That is very depressing, although I must say there have been times people "resurface" abit, but I am always the one who initiates. I should also mention that by age 48 I could no longer tolerate the noise in restaurants, events, etc..So any special events were a no go.
I am thankful for my spiritual growth. I always feel exhausted by my intense emotions and with CFS they are very up and down. But I am starting to see that there are subtle areas of joy that lurk like shadows within me that I can explore. I often feel that I will never have true joy or peace again; all experiences are accompanied by terrible physical symptoms. Maybe I will have "moments" , like when I was opening up my old tree decorations fragile in their tissue paper or when I found my Xmas towels and doilies at the bottom of the linen closet. I think I have been afraid to feel the emotions stirred up by the touch and smell of the Yuletide accessories:it is too painful, those people are gone forever.
Can I finally accept that I am in the sunset years of my life, physically frail, suffering physically all day, never having company and never working at a job that paid more than $18,000 a year, even though I spent 9 years of my life in schooling and another 9 years job-hunting?
I'm hoping that acceptance will lead me to greater peace. This isn't the way I used to celebrate joy and peace at the solstice but maybe I am discovering a new woman, a new Tiina who can embody the seasons in a completely new and liberating way. I send out a prayer to all my DS friends, that December of 2014 will be a time you can also discover the "alternative" peace and joy, that doesn't involve cooking, cleaning or shopping. Hugs to all of you!
I am trying to catch up on reading newsletters, mail, etc.. I get a Post Polio Syndrome newsletter sent to me in Toronto, a Canadian publication. About 60 seconds after scanning the page I become depressed and extremely irritable. This usually coincides with nasty physical symptoms but not always. I am 56 years old and only over the last year have I been able to begin clear discernment about the catastrophic crisis my life entered into about 6 years ago. It has been like solving a jigsaw puzzle.
About the PPS newsletter, I'm always filled with fear that I have "left a stone unturned". It's like an inner panic. Then in a nano second I get very angry and depressed because I have had this roller coaster of looking for the magic bullet for about 25 years now.
My sudden symptoms and rapid mood changes are constant, but I don't think existed prior to menopause about 7 years ago. Only CFS'ers could relate to the frequent crashes in one day, even one hour. I am getting better but, still have severe anxiety and anger facing people in my elevator and at a store check out, etc..Then I feel drained, guilty and desperate. It's so predictable.
I think around 2008, 4 years after I got married a number of things "happened" to me that I am only now seeing more clearly:
1. Physiological menopause, clinical anxiety and depression
2. Severe worsening of M.E. symptoms
3. Final nail in coffin re: job loss, never to be regained
4. Able to "feel" the grief, for the 1st time about family losses. (1990-my Mom died suddenly/ 2005- Dad died suddenly/ 1998-last time I saw my daughter)
5. For the first time I thought about people I had been close to that are out of my life now
Especially preparing for Xmas these issues are highlighted. Around the same time I started to lose interest in any type of preparation, decorations and traditions. It is shocking considering all the merriment I've had all my life around Xmas. This year I can feel that I am discovering a lost woman. There was so much pain and tragedy in my life, that Xmas meant nothing and actually caused emotional suffering. The most pronounced areas were:unable to have company, unable to cook or bake, no more family to visit (many relatives had passed), many lost friendships, very few seasonal events with organizations I once belonged to (I was no longer involved due to poor health, getting married and moving further, and "growing out of" some agencies)
From 1995-1999 I had a close knot CFS group. Everyone's life is in such chaos, we basically cannot communicate. That is very depressing, although I must say there have been times people "resurface" abit, but I am always the one who initiates. I should also mention that by age 48 I could no longer tolerate the noise in restaurants, events, etc..So any special events were a no go.
I am thankful for my spiritual growth. I always feel exhausted by my intense emotions and with CFS they are very up and down. But I am starting to see that there are subtle areas of joy that lurk like shadows within me that I can explore. I often feel that I will never have true joy or peace again; all experiences are accompanied by terrible physical symptoms. Maybe I will have "moments" , like when I was opening up my old tree decorations fragile in their tissue paper or when I found my Xmas towels and doilies at the bottom of the linen closet. I think I have been afraid to feel the emotions stirred up by the touch and smell of the Yuletide accessories:it is too painful, those people are gone forever.
Can I finally accept that I am in the sunset years of my life, physically frail, suffering physically all day, never having company and never working at a job that paid more than $18,000 a year, even though I spent 9 years of my life in schooling and another 9 years job-hunting?
I'm hoping that acceptance will lead me to greater peace. This isn't the way I used to celebrate joy and peace at the solstice but maybe I am discovering a new woman, a new Tiina who can embody the seasons in a completely new and liberating way. I send out a prayer to all my DS friends, that December of 2014 will be a time you can also discover the "alternative" peace and joy, that doesn't involve cooking, cleaning or shopping. Hugs to all of you!
Replies
I\'m not sure why I didn\'t get an email that your journal was up. I usually get something to let me know. Anyway, I\'ve seen it now and I want you to know that I\'m here for you. I can hear the deep grief in what you\'ve said. It may look like you have lost progress because you are grieving, but I would suggest that you are making progress, despite the fact that you feel sadder than usual. You\'re on a spiritual journey and that always involves going deep. There\'s a lot in there and you\'ve recently become brave enough to \"go there.\" It\'s just so much, though, that I worry it\'s a journey you shouldn\'t take alone. Of course, we are here for you, but it would be great to have someone there to hold you sometimes and remind you of your value. I know how you feel about having education and not having worked at high-paying jobs, and now, not being able to work at all. I used to watch kids for a living and I was wiping this girl\'s behind and thinking, \"I have a college degree and I wipe butts for a living.\" In my spirit, I heard the words, \"Blessed are those who respectfully clean another\'s behind.\" There are so many days when I think I am wasting my life and my talents. If I weren\'t sick I could have \"made something of myself.\" There\'s a song I like right now that says, \"I don\'t need my name in lights. I\'m famous in my Father\'s eyes. Make no mistake, He knows my name. I\'m not looking for applause. I\'m already so adored. It\'s all His stage. He knows my name.\" I am sure that He knows your name too, Tina. I liked what you said about discovering a new woman who can embrace the seasons in a new and liberating way. You are being formed in a fire. It hurts like a bugger. I wish there were another way, but I don\'t know of any. Know that you are not alone.
Between the post menopause, the tragedies in your life, the disappointments of having a chronic illness, the anxiety and depression, it is no wonder you are having trouble discerning who you are!!
I also think that the Christmas Holiday and the memories of it that you physically uncovered, brought back memories that are nothing but sad. How could you possibly feel happiness going through those things and being hit with the memories of the family losses? Not possible. I think the holidays send most of us spiraling into a depression. We are all lost, Tiina! We have lost our jobs, friends, health, future plans....it\'s all gone and we have to accept it. Not an easy thing to do.
You say that you are finding your spiritual side. I\'m thankful for that. It\'s my faith that is getting me through this disease. I\'ve had CFS for eight years. Feels like eighteen, but I have gone through all those emotions you listed in your journal. I have felt those feelings of loss of loved ones, the sadness, the anger, the worthlessness.....but ALSO, you mentioned the \"moments of joy\". They are there. They are within you. You have to pull them out!!! You have to seek them out. I often pray to God that He will show me what He has in store for me on THIS day. I don\'t even ask about tomorrow. We are not promised tomorrow. We have to make today count!! Otherwise our time is wasted here on this earth. I don\'t believe that God intends that!!!
I think you have been soul searching. This is a good thing, Tiina. We all need to do that, and come to a point where we find our inner strength, our inner joy....direct in a positive way and move forward WITH our disability!! We still exist. We still have a purpose. We are going through trial by fire, which Jesus did when He was on earth so that He could understand the exact feeling you are expressing today, and then comfort you with guidance, direction, friendship.....I know this to be true. It is my story! No one can take that from me.
I pray that you are able to find yourself.....your worth as that talented, well educated proud woman you once were and step out slowly, back into what you once knew as your life and recapture as much of it as you can. It takes effort on our part to do this. We have to have the physical strength, which we lack. But if we have faith, and are motivated, we can do amazing things!!
I a going to pray that you are able with help from your spiritual self and your friends here, and our love for you and for each other, to find a place to put your foot down into your new life and discover that you are meant to be here....and that you are loved. xoxo
Pouty, you have expressed many important issues in this journal. I\'m glad you were able to access your emotions, reflect on them, and put them down on \"paper\" to better understand them and to share them with us. We suffer loss in so many areas of our life with chronic illness - I don\'t need to tell you that!!!! I have been thinking lately about some of the things I gained that I wouldn\'t have had if I hadn\'t been ill. I am happy to say I thought of several things and it\'s been comforting to know that even though it feels like it at times, I really haven\'t been starting at a blank wall for the last 9 years! Holidays can be tough, for many people - all those expectations, all those memories, all those hopes..........I hope you find a new way of experiencing the holiday that doesn\'t bring you physical and emotional pain. You bring a lot of wisdom to us on DS - your life is not what you\'d hoped, but it still has a lot of meaning - as does all of ours, if we are only patient enough to find it.