Reflection 1

Well uh where do I even begin? I have been feeling kinda of numb lately. I haven't really been thinking or feeling much at all. I guess it's a coping mechanism for trying to forget. I feel like this can't be my life right now. But, right now I'm gonna do some thinking or reflecting. So, I guess I'll start with my childhood. I have a lot of great childhood memories. My mom was a great single mother she had issues with men but she was always there for me. My grandparents were awesome they did any and everything for me. But, my dad and I had a very strained relationship. We didn't really talk much and at the time I didn't really think much of it. I mean it didn't feel like it affected me. I never really cared and had no interest in forming a relationship with him. But now since my father and I have built a much better relationship I see that my choice of dating my ex had something to do with him. When I was with my ex Nigel I felt safe and protected. He was a very strong guy. I mean people were afraid of him. I felt like with him I could do or say anything. I was unstoppable because I had him. All the girls wanted him too. I felt special and important. I only had confidence because I was with him and never even knew who I really was. I always felt good when he gave me compliments and admired my beauty. I liked the fact that he was so smitten by me. When I was with him I always felt needed like if I wasn't around he wouldn't be able to survive. It felt like a duty like an honor to be his one and only. So why was I so fixated on trying to save him in the first place? Well his parents/family were the definition of ghetto. Not even trying to be funny. They were well are ignorant, abusive, and overall fucked up people but, so was he. Before I wouldn't have been able to admit that. I used to always think that I could show him a life of "true love'' Where there is no abuse, no lies, and selfish behavior. I mean I hated his parents with a passion. His dad was physically/mentally abusive to his mother and he was also abusive to my ex and his brothers and sisters. She did nothing and chose her abuser over her children but, my boyfriend he always defended her crazy ass. So, I felt sorry for him. I made accuses for him. Like he just never felt love or learned how to love. He just needs help understanding this or that. I would blame all of his problems on his parents and constantly reccomend therapy. I would say you need therapy it will be good for you or if he denied his need for therapy I would try to become his therapist. I would help him situate all of his problems. I realize now that I wanted him to change for my personal benefit. My family hated him specially my mother. She told me all the time that she wanted us to break up. She was extremely concerned about me throughout the entire relationship. When I got with him I threw everything out of the window. My family, my friends, school, and my other interests/hobbies were non existant and no longer important. My main concern was him and him only. I made accuses for him and forgave him every single time. I always wanted to try to figure out his problems. So I could simply just ignore mine. Like the fact the he smoked ciggaretes and weed. I would ask him What are you running away from? Why do you need to do those things to be happy? I thought I made you happy. There was always a Why? But, never an answer. I would ask myself daily Why doesn't he love me enough to change? I was so self conscious. I thought is it because I'm unexperienced sexually? I was a virgin before I met him and I always planned on waiting until marriage. But, something about him made me just want to give it up at first. I told him early on in the relationship that I wanted to have sex. Then later on I started to have doubts. We attempted many times, it was painful and I asked him to stop etc. I remember him being so frustrated with me. He made many comments that crushed my self esteem that was already hanging on a thread. He would say what do you want from me? Do you want me to cheat on you? Is that what you want? I would cry everytime he said things of that nature and would comfort me but continue to say the same things again. I thought he was right I believed that no other guy would want me... I mean I wasn't putting out so....My ex he had me wrapped around his finger. He manipulated me by making sure I was always weak. He didn't want me to have a life outside of him. He wanted me to stay insecure so that I was always there to put up with him. Wow writing this is actually therapeutic. I never thought.. kinda like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I haven't felt the urge to call him. For me I think the hardest part will be to ignore his calls/texts. That is where my problem lies. I need to remember that his explantation doesn't mean shit anymore. I don't need to hear all his lies so he can pull me back in under his spell. Enough is Enough! My strength and love has come from within. I am beginning to take charge of me. I have never taken the time to work on myself but, the great thing is the time is now.