Reflecting on the past 5 years....

I dug through my regular e mail, all the way back to when i was in the army. its AMAZING our perception of time. looking ahead, 5-7 years seems like so little, looking back it seems like a lifetime ago. i remember feeling trapped in myself. weak and vulnerable, and unable to truly control my emotions. i had an ex, who i agreed to marry, who was a COMPLETE ass and control freak. he asked me to marry him in an e mail, and when i asked why he wanted to, he says, well i told you how i felt, why should i have to say it again? i remember sticking by th is man, this man who had no respect for me. who chocked me once, and threw things, and cheated. i chased after this man, cause i thought i loved him. i found e mails from my mother. and her boyfriend at the time.  it brought back alot. i could see the disarray of emotions and divided thoughts in my mind. i was fractured then. i was lost in myself, in my upbringing, in everything. i had no strength. and it killed me because i saw this other person inside me. all i could think was, this is NOT ME! why couldnt i be that person. now i know. now i am that person, or at least the beginnings of her, finally. im glad that part of my life is over, im glad this is beginning now. i spent so long in that whirlpool and turmoil of emotions. then started with the gambling on top of it? geesh. at least i feel i have a future now. i dont feel alone anymore, because i will always have myself. i no longer have this gaping hole in my chest and this need to fill it, because i am whole. even if i still make mistakes gambling, even if i fall, i am a whole person.