Reflecting on School - Depression
It's been a month since I graduated. This last semester was probably the hardest semester, probably the hardest time of my life ive ever had. I viewed that all so abstractly back then, but now that im a month seperated from all of it, my circumstances change completely, I am scared by how bad it got. So im writing so I dont forget. I slept all the time, a class would end at 10:30, I would go to my room, sleep untili class at 1:30, come back and sleep more, always tired, never enough.
I was terrified to talk to authority figures: after failing assignments in classes, I made a resolution to meet each one and show im committed. Two teachers I did meet with, I just talked bullshit, schoolwork, barely even able to broach the real reason I was flunking everything. Two teachers I couldnt even approach out of fear. It got to my parents too. One parent asked how I was doing and I broke down crying. the other told me I needed a job and I didnt eat the rest of the day.
There are many instances where it was near impossible to get out of bed. I was almost always late to my first class of the day. Once I did skip my 9am from(I dont know what, laziness, anxiety, just complete self hate), the next day my drill instructor asked what was wrong. I just said I overslept working on a paper. It sounds cliche but inside I was dying. I wanted to scream everything that was wrong, and at the same time keep it all inside and bury it.
I would get a bad quiz grade midday, spend the rest of the day just imagining every possible doomday scenario. I remember the long walk back to my room. I remember feeling completely empty. I took a click pen, and just pressed it against my chest, nonstop, for 10 minutes, just because it distracted me enough from my own head. I remember constant scratching my chest. Picking at my feet. I remember waking up on my birthday and seeing a soft bald spot behind my temple where I had scratched the hair out.
I remember thinking "Im a shame and a burden on my family, if they didnt mourn me I would gladly kill myself" I could never envision how I would kill myself, nothing matched how intense it all felt to me. I just wanted to feel nothing, to stop breathing. But I couldnt hurt my family, so I did the next best thing and just went to bed, fuck all the work I had to do. Let me just not hurt for a few hours. Sometimes I still feel that way, even now. Its fucked, the whole burden to family thing makes this all seem noble in my head. I can see my problems and do nothing to fix them, im fucked.
Sometime i feel I think about all this too much, maybe im addicted t the pain.
Its so easy to distract myself, to find some video or song or TV show, and forget all of this. But I need to remember. Because the next time this happens to me I need to know im not crazy.
Every sound is grating
I was terrified to talk to authority figures: after failing assignments in classes, I made a resolution to meet each one and show im committed. Two teachers I did meet with, I just talked bullshit, schoolwork, barely even able to broach the real reason I was flunking everything. Two teachers I couldnt even approach out of fear. It got to my parents too. One parent asked how I was doing and I broke down crying. the other told me I needed a job and I didnt eat the rest of the day.
There are many instances where it was near impossible to get out of bed. I was almost always late to my first class of the day. Once I did skip my 9am from(I dont know what, laziness, anxiety, just complete self hate), the next day my drill instructor asked what was wrong. I just said I overslept working on a paper. It sounds cliche but inside I was dying. I wanted to scream everything that was wrong, and at the same time keep it all inside and bury it.
I would get a bad quiz grade midday, spend the rest of the day just imagining every possible doomday scenario. I remember the long walk back to my room. I remember feeling completely empty. I took a click pen, and just pressed it against my chest, nonstop, for 10 minutes, just because it distracted me enough from my own head. I remember constant scratching my chest. Picking at my feet. I remember waking up on my birthday and seeing a soft bald spot behind my temple where I had scratched the hair out.
I remember thinking "Im a shame and a burden on my family, if they didnt mourn me I would gladly kill myself" I could never envision how I would kill myself, nothing matched how intense it all felt to me. I just wanted to feel nothing, to stop breathing. But I couldnt hurt my family, so I did the next best thing and just went to bed, fuck all the work I had to do. Let me just not hurt for a few hours. Sometimes I still feel that way, even now. Its fucked, the whole burden to family thing makes this all seem noble in my head. I can see my problems and do nothing to fix them, im fucked.
Sometime i feel I think about all this too much, maybe im addicted t the pain.
Its so easy to distract myself, to find some video or song or TV show, and forget all of this. But I need to remember. Because the next time this happens to me I need to know im not crazy.
Every sound is grating
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