Reflecting On My Life

Today I have been reflecting on my "new normal". After my difficult day at the doctor's office I have had to rethink a lot of my daily existence. I am in pain, it's not going to go away and no one knows why it is occurring. My CT Scans and exrays reveal I am "fine". In other words, nothing shows on them that could be the answer to my pain. This is actually good news. My fusion is healing well, no discs have further problems at this time, and my SI Joint must be okay or he would have said something. The pain is lessening now that I am on double dosage of Gaba, though it is taking a few days for my body to adjust. I am taking pain medication now, so my body can relax and not be so tense due to the extra pain. I have no appetite but that will help with the weight I've gained due to the last steroid prescription. 
It is  about my emotions now. I am giving my thoughts and my worries, my hopes and dreams to God. I have to do this often to keep my brain from exploding. I am like any other DDD sufferer. I worry about finances to pay for my many surgeries and procedures. I fear some of the tests as they are intrusive and often painful. I am concerned about the progression of my DDD. I often feel a lack of control over the situation and realize I am unable to fix a thing. I also am concerned for my family as they want me to be well and pain free. I hold back a lot of my tears, my worries from them but they know my future doesn't look good. I do worry that I will come to a point where I will require constant care. My husband doesn't let me out of his sight much now. My dog follows me around and seems to sense when I am about to have a nerve pain spike. But; I will persevere, I will keep looking up for my strength and hope for a bright future, I will adjust to this new way of living, I will take care of myself as no one else can do it for me, I will seek new friendships that embrace all of who I am and give myself to them as best I can, I will rejoin my bible group so I have praying women in my life, I will go to the Lord for my comfort peace and hope. I will survive. I am a survivor. I am my own best chance at a good life with DDD. I am not my condition or disease. I am me, and I like myself. I am a good friend. I am a support for others. I am able to laugh, cry, and share my hopes with others. I am...Darlene.