Reflecting. Almost over it.

I'm very close to putting all of this behind me.
But I still can't believe he looked me in the eye, married me, looked my parents in the eye and said he loved me, when he asked for their blessing. I can't believe I was about to have kids with him -- we were picking out names.
I'm lucky I didn't have kids w/ him (though I really wanted to at the time), and saw what he was, and was able to leave -- some men don't reveal who they are until after you've had kids. I was lucky he showed himself.
I guess that's just what sociopaths do. They lie.
I know not all men are like that. Just 5-15 percent. And I won't let this happen again.
But still, it's hard to believe someone pretended to care about me, and built a fake relationship. Lies every day. It just makes me sick.
I'm determined to trust again, but to also be wary, and ensure that I LOOK at any red flags. And also, to be careful not to fall in love w/ them so quickly, because that makes it hard to judge who is harmful, and who is not -- because they all APPEAR to be nice and kind in the beginning. Only time will tell.
I guess I'm angry that I lost that time, and cried so much, and probably aged myself from the stress -- and for what? Nothing. To be left with nothing after fighting so hard for a (bad) relationship.
I guess it was worth it to find out the truth, learn this lesson, and not repeat it again.
I still miss the person I thought he was, the fake supportive comments. he used to tell me "it'll all be ok" and that would always relax me. I don't know why I believed him, but I did. I miss his shirts, and I do miss him saying he loved me, even if it was a lie.
I've also realized that my mom is codependent, my dad is a narcissist, and I'm sure my sister has a few different personality disorders, either borderline or possibly even bipolar (but she's certainly a bully). My mom agrees with me, and she is trying to understand herself, but sometimes it's in an codependent way where she brags that she was "reading the book about it," but yet she acts in the same way, putting a lot of pressure/guilt on me and dismissing my feelings and insisting it's all "just fine" so that she feels better.
I'm not sure if my family will ever improve. I know my dad and sister won't, which is why I don't speak to them anymore. I have hope for my mom though, because we are quite close, though the relationship is probably rather bad for me, since she undermines my confidence.
 
 
 

Replies

trisha9054
trisha9054

I think you are coming out of this pretty good. You are aware now of the selfish people in your life. I hope your mother is in counseling.There is a lot of hope for her.

I can recognize the N\'s I run across as I go about my day. I stay away from them as much as possible. But recognizing what they are allows me to not let them get too close.

I\'m really happy that you are doing well. Keep working on yourself.
magnadoodle
magnadoodle

thanks so much trisha! It\'s a fine line between protecting ourselves, and becoming not trusting of anyone. But I guess it\'s better to overprotect at first, and be sure someone is emotionally healthy before progressing.

I do really hope my mom can improve, because I know she wants to. But she\'s very, very blocked from it. she can\'t be honest w/ herself when she feels feelings, and has to explain everything away. I\'m glad you understand.