Reflections
When I was in college my bf cheated on me and one of my friends told me I was inside a crystal box and I couldn't see the outside but that as soon as I got out of that box things would look completely different. Well I feel like I was inside a crystal box again and I finally broke free and I can see the outside, I can see things from a different perspective. I asked myself so many questions, why did I let him treat me like I didnt have any worth cause I let him do it, it wasnt only him...I let it happen when I lost my self confidence, why did I kept trying even after he told me he fell in love with somebody else, why did I gave everything when he wasn't even trying. At the time I didn't realize what I was doing, I was so desperate to keep him by my side at all costs that I sacrifice part of me. I understand now why my family and friends could've been upset with my decisions cause they saw a desperate woman fighting for something that they new was gone, I was the only one still believing.
I used to cry just thinking about the time when he told me he has fallen in love with OW and now I don't cry anymore, it still stings and hurt but I don't feel like my life is coming to an end. Last straw was when he told me he still finds me attractive and sexy and he would have sex with me but he can't make love to me. It just semantics and words but it means a lot to me, I want to be desire and needed, I want to be found attractive but I also want to be look in the eyes and feel love. He can have sex with me just like he can sex with any other attractive female, I don't want to be another attractive female, I want to feel special.
I'm on my quest to regaining my self worth and it is really rewarding when you realized how much you are worth and they didn't appreciate it. My stbx told me I was getting "cocky" cause every time he asked how am I doing I said wonderful, looking good, looking beautiful, I think he is also noticing those changes in me, I no longer say lonely, sad and hurt.
It has taken me a while to get where I am at and the road has been hard, thorny, full of hurt, pain and tears, have fallen so many times, and this journey is not over yet, is only half way there but I believe at the end I will be ok.
I used to cry just thinking about the time when he told me he has fallen in love with OW and now I don't cry anymore, it still stings and hurt but I don't feel like my life is coming to an end. Last straw was when he told me he still finds me attractive and sexy and he would have sex with me but he can't make love to me. It just semantics and words but it means a lot to me, I want to be desire and needed, I want to be found attractive but I also want to be look in the eyes and feel love. He can have sex with me just like he can sex with any other attractive female, I don't want to be another attractive female, I want to feel special.
I'm on my quest to regaining my self worth and it is really rewarding when you realized how much you are worth and they didn't appreciate it. My stbx told me I was getting "cocky" cause every time he asked how am I doing I said wonderful, looking good, looking beautiful, I think he is also noticing those changes in me, I no longer say lonely, sad and hurt.
It has taken me a while to get where I am at and the road has been hard, thorny, full of hurt, pain and tears, have fallen so many times, and this journey is not over yet, is only half way there but I believe at the end I will be ok.
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