Reflections....

Lately...I'm not too happy with the way I handle things...I've seem to become too controlin and full of resentment...The person I've always wanted to be..Is like hidin in the corner once again...this time I'mnot sure why...........................as a child hidin in the corner was outta fear...somewhere somehow, by the grace of God...I was able to learn to face my fear...To face my abuser, and stood up and say No More...I became the Man, my grandmother so Loathed............................Actually the only complaint my grandmother had...was that i would stand up too her ...refuse to be beaten...refuse to be belittled...refuse to listen to the verbal attack on my friends or loved ones................................Today the reflections of Me...are so much like those of my grandmother...Stressed, and in constant pain...I'm loosin control to the anger that I've fought to control...I'm tryin to force my beliefs of how a man should be ....Upon my youngest son................................I've become a naggin force of worry....I have never endin Fear...I know at this point He cannot understand...what being 18 years old means....nor have i been able to explain................................I tried to raise all four of my children to stand ...on their own two fee...I told my daughters, that they could be what ever...and never had a doubt that they could make it...I provided a roof, food and Love.................................that at times didn't seem to be enough....for a period of my life...I became worthless, and self destructive...my inability, to be the man I was so sure I was suppose to be...took me to the edge of a hugh dark bottomless pitt..................................My son, has a learnin disability...and as a child, the system here ignored his needs...covering their tracks with mounds of paper work...and worthless excuses...he was graduated from high school ..................................tossed to  the  World, unable to understand ...unable to read and follow a  simple instruction...he thinks he's just Lazy...I see an 8 to 10 year old in a 18 year old body...I try to treat him as an adult....................................I  have to lead him by the hand...thru the most simpliest task... one's he's  preformed over and over again...yet each time, he forgets how he did it before...he gets angry because it's not good enough....................................I try to explain how his actions effect both of us...I try to get him to write things down...to try and remember ...I feel so lost...I worry so much.................................but most of all I need to find a way to find peace...to find a peaceful way to approach this problem... not like the ragin bull...but with love and understandin...to face  the Fear again................................to say no to the abuse....to say I'm here, can I help................................I don't need to  control his life...he needs to learn how to control it...I need to pratice more self control...AINT LIFE GRAND...............................