Recovery Story 2016

At the age of 5, I spent every night crying myself to sleep. I would bang my head against the wall saying I wanted to die. Every day at school was a struggle, standing in the prayer circle with nobody wanting to stand next to me and hold my hands because they were always sweaty. Hyperhidrosis, or excessive sweating, has affected me since birth, and it is something that I’ve had to learn to live with, even though it makes daily tasks difficult, physically and mentally. I started therapy at the age of 6. I was then diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and started medication at the age of 8.

In July of 2008, at the age of 16, my family moved from the middle of nowhere in Vermont, to Massachusetts. I went from having a class of 28, to a class of over 1200. It was a culture shock. Making friends was very difficult for me with my anxiety and being so self-conscious about sweating.

In 2009, at the age of 16, my mother’s father moved in with us after being very sick and in the hospital. After about 2 months of living with us he started verbally abusing me. I dealt with it every day for over 2 years. I was the only one he attacked out of my siblings and I. My parents ignored all the signs of abuse. They didn’t believe me at first that he was treating me the way he was, but once they saw it happen first-hand, they still didn’t do anything about it. I felt so alone and unheard. I was always told to respect my elders, but why would I respect someone that didn’t respect me? It just didn’t make sense. I put up with him for over 2 years until we lost our house in 2012 and he was forced to move out.

After dropping out of high school my second day of junior year, I finally completed my high school diploma online. I finished 2 years of schoolwork in 7 months, making it possible for me to finish my diploma on time as if I hadn’t dropped out at all. I also got my driver’s license that same week. After finishing high school in May of 2011, I went to work at the summer camp that I went to as a kid growing up.  It was one of the best experiences of my life. I worked as a camp counselor and lifeguard. That’s where I made some of my best friends that I still keep in touch with. My mother and I, on a whim the day before we had to leave, decided to getting matching tattoos of the camp logo. Things finally seemed to be going my way.

Everything was going really well until we moved to Groton, MA in June of 2012. I went into a severely deep depression. I had lost all interest in doing anything like going to the movies with friends, or even getting out of bed to eat dinner. I was then diagnosed with Agoraphobia (the fear of going out in public and facing social situations), which kept me from leaving the house for about 8 months. (Which I have now overcome (obviously, because I’m here. LOOK AT ME NOW, MOM!!)) I finally started to realize that I needed some serious help. I admitted myself into McLean Hospital on October 4^th, 2012. I ended up staying in the Proctor 4 Unit which was all women in their 40’s and up, excluding the one male in the unit. When they brought me to the unit, I was so relieved I didn’t have to be with other young adults. I was so uneasy around people my age because of all the bullying I had dealt with in school. I ended up staying for 7 days, including the one when I was (finally) diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, along with Anxiety, PTSD, and OCD Tendencies. Being diagnosed didn’t really hit me that hard because the term “Bipolar” had been thrown around for years. A bunch of my medications were switched around before being discharged. After being discharged, things seemed to remain the same as before I had gone into the hospital. It took me until moving to Haverhill to find a N.P. and therapist that I could stand, and that actually listened to me. I had switched around so many times from moving around a lot. It was nerve wracking and extremely frustrating trying to start over, and telling your life story to someone you have to pay to listen to your issues.

In November of 2014 I started going to the Haverhill Clubhouse. It is a program for adults with mental illnesses. The best way to describe it is a voluntary day program. They hold various groups and meetings throughout the day for members to take part in. (Including music group, in which we started a band that I play bass in.) They also go out to different activities over the weekends and some weeknights. It really helps to get you out of the house and not be a hermit in your room watching movies all day.

Everything was actually going really well for once, and I was relatively stable for a while…until the night of February 7^th, 2015. My uncle was visiting from North Carolina for his yearly snowmobile trip with my other uncle and some of their friends. They went to the same camp up in Northern Maine that they had gone to for over 15 years. On that night, we got a phone call saying the last thing any of us wanted to hear; my uncle had passed away in a tragic snowmobile accident. The world seemed like it was coming to an end. Everything had changed in the worst way. My 13 and 15-year-old cousins now had to live without their father. I was extremely close with him. He also had Bipolar Disorder, so we had a very deep connection and truly understood each other. He was definitely one of my favorite people on the planet. When I got out of the hospital, he took me in and let me live with them for almost 3 months. I used to visit him every summer for about a month each time since I was 15. He was one of my best friends.

            Ever since he passed away I have not been the same. I was deeply depressed for months until we decided to add another medication to see if it would help, and started making my therapy appointments more frequent. It took the edge off a little bit, but I am still currently struggling. I have a necklace with a picture of the two of us on it that I never take off.

            Some ways I have learned to maintain my health are: taking my medications, actually going to therapy and being honest with her when there is something that’s bothering me, practicing coping skills and relaxation exercises daily, and spending time at the Haverhill Clubhouse, with my amazing and supportive advocate, Lisa Monk, along with some great people that I’ve had the honor of meeting. I also make sure to find time to spend with, although we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, some of the best friends I’ve ever had. I’ve learned throughout the years that it is extremely important to find people that will support you through your struggles no matter what. One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that you have someone to rely on when your going through your toughest times.

            I’m not really positive of where or when my turning point occurred because my life has basically been an ongoing rollercoaster. I have had many revelations throughout the years though. I am so grateful for the strong support system I have now, and the opportunity I recently received to work as a Peer Mentor for Vinfen. Going through The G.I.F.T. Training has also allowed me to realize my strengths, and learn more about myself and how to help others. I know I have come such a long way in the past couple of years and I am finally able to say that I am proud of myself. Thinking about it now, maybe right this second is actually my true turning point. I have finally realized that it is okay for me to ask for help. It is okay for me to have a day when I simply feel “off.” It is okay for me to struggle. However, it is also okay for me to want to help others with the personal experience that I have gained. I know that I can make it. I’m not about to give up that easily.