Recovery

I feel a newfound hope today. My strengh phisically has returned, and the antibiotics are clearing up, and news oh guys the news is good. There is a cure!! But I have to wait forever for a response from my doctor. Who you will not believe this when I tell you Had a young kid and his mother in there for two and a half hours. Nothing in my life has ever taken that long accept finishing school lol. So I wanted to tell him I was feeling better, but not all the way, because it was appearing on my face, huge bumps that look like I been getting beat up have appeared out of nowhere, and are itchy which percocet does not help with that. So I wanted off that and the oxy so I got something else and I think more clearly now. My face is cleared up but where I had it was of course right under my nose, and it looked like something was growing from my face. Off all the things to have happen after all of this, dealing with a disease not to cut everday, is driving me. Something has me going tonight. I want to invent and find Cutters annonamous. I can be brave tell my story, and do it, talk tell people about this disease. I finally opened up in thearpy, and told them all the truth about what's happened to me in the past seven years since I left thearpy its more of a group class, where we can socialize and still lead productive lives. They kept saying they want me to go to the day program, because I have difficulty with time mannagement, but no way hose. I'm not going to sit there all day with people who do nothing but have conversations with themselves. I would not agree. I said you can take me how I am, treat me, and help me, because I know this is the place I can get the help I need, or you can simply turn me out. I can change I said, I promised. The seizure itself in a way was a way inside to show them how much I was suffering in silence. THis disease was dormant inside of me I controlled the beast within for twenty years, and something set it off. It wasn't one something, it's hard to describe when you have Major depression. Its as if I feel I should apologize for my life for just living it. But I am happy to be alive, I have my reason now. I found it. I want to creat cutters annamous, and you don't need a degree, or have tons of collage to create it. You just need life experience. Why is there a meeting for everything but this disease? Becuase I believe noone has ever lived past the scorn or were ashamed, and we live in silenece our pain never showing. Noone else but a recovereing cutter would understand what would trigger it off, its exactly like being an addict. You become addicted to it, because your so numb inside, that you need to cut to feel any other way than what your feeling, and for me, it was a way to release emotions that a ten year old child never should go through. When I was ten a teacher turned my desk over, and the entire class was laughing at what a slob I was, and she basically humilate me, and I ran away. I went to this place in my neighborhood, to wonder the streets feeling that nothing was ever going to be right. I was a tom boy, I liked baseball and I loved reading. There wasn't anything that different about me growing up. I just felt sad all of the time, and that very day when I was ten and the teacher overturned my desk she got fired for it, but that was my first suicide attempt. It seems as if I been spending my life trying to end it and now I want to live so badly and do everything I missed out on from fear of open spaces, Agoraphobia is one of my diagnosis. I am not afraid of the open space mind you, I am afraid of the people who have hurt me in this space. I let changes take place, in my life when I knew they had to. I wasn't fighting as hard, I lost interest in my art, my apartment isn't the cleanest, I've been so wraped up in worrying that it doesn't accomlish anything its useless worrying. I have to pick a time for that and that is in my imaginary space in my mind. Its a a box that I open or pretend to open in my head that all I do is worry. Only for one hour a day. I worry about everything and everyone in the world, and then I have to turn it off. You cannot go back to that same thought. You must shut the box,and not think of it untilll the next day. Hell do have the thinngs we worry about ever really happen anyway? I am so happy to be alive, and say I made it. I survivied this disease, and now I can be proud of something. And I will talk. I will live to tell about it. I wish to find C.A and tell the others, you have no option with me, you stop. You don't cut yourself, don't let your emotions feel. Feel what you must feel but don't hurt yourself. Do anythijng else. Whistle, read, call a friend go to an aa meeting or an na meeting because cutting is an addiction we must realize that one more slice, one more closer to the bone, and were gonners, we must live and let our higher power and our free will to enjoy our lives. We can live productive happy and we can do anything we set our mind to. I hope you are all on the same page with me, be3cause I want to live so much becuase I'm a great person. I know I sound like an egomaniac, but my life experience has been tourchourous, and now I want to let the past be in the past, and say Just for today I will not cut. Just for today I will find my sponsor and talk to her. And I did so. ANd tomorrow, WHen it comes, I will do the same thing. And I hope you are all with me in it. BEcause to me were all winners, and survivers, and fighters. WE have to continue on. because we have the free will to stop. And we will.Your loving sponsor HEidi