Recorded History
I haven't finished moving everything over to CSTH. Some stuff I hesitated to move over. It's been a bloody, painful, raw, messy journey. Too see-through even for my usual self.
But. It's my story. *shrug*
I found myself starting to read some of the entries and having to stop because it was too painful. Other entries were GOOD to read because it was nice to see how far we've come.
There was a point where not a day passed when I didn't feel blinding hatred for the OW or regret/sadness/loss. The lows were SO very low. I never, ever thought I'd find happiness again.
I didn't import the comments (too hard/messy) but I wish I could have because some of them really were so loving and encouraging. So many people would, in essence, say, "Hold up there, cowgirl. Before you go off half cocked, you need to realize this isn't going to be how you feel forever."
And that's the lesson in all this... the pain you feel is real. The hurt and anger and loss and the chaotic maelstrom of emotions swirling in you - all of it is valid and part of your experience. But. It isn't forever. You WILL be changed forever, but the depth of those most painful emotions will fade and ease.
It's a bit like having a painful muscle cramp. In the moment, you can't imagine the pain ever going away. All you can do is breathe and try to relax and make it through that horrid, painful moment. And once the moment is past, you still ache and hurt, and there's so much fear that you'll cramp up again. And maybe you will. *shrug* Lord knows if you've been on these forums for more than a minute and a half, you've seen the, "S/he did it again..." posts. Or maybe you won't... but either way, there's time where there is no more cramp and eventually even the soreness after the cramp fades.
All we can do is live our lives so that we can try to stay healthy enough to avoid the cramps (or infidelity... heh) and so that we're strong enough and self sufficient enough to handle whatever is thrown at us when/if something more gets tossed our way.
I'm glad I documented this journey. There was a time when I didn't think I'd make it through the other side, and it's a good lesson to remember for future trials.
But. It's my story. *shrug*
I found myself starting to read some of the entries and having to stop because it was too painful. Other entries were GOOD to read because it was nice to see how far we've come.
There was a point where not a day passed when I didn't feel blinding hatred for the OW or regret/sadness/loss. The lows were SO very low. I never, ever thought I'd find happiness again.
I didn't import the comments (too hard/messy) but I wish I could have because some of them really were so loving and encouraging. So many people would, in essence, say, "Hold up there, cowgirl. Before you go off half cocked, you need to realize this isn't going to be how you feel forever."
And that's the lesson in all this... the pain you feel is real. The hurt and anger and loss and the chaotic maelstrom of emotions swirling in you - all of it is valid and part of your experience. But. It isn't forever. You WILL be changed forever, but the depth of those most painful emotions will fade and ease.
It's a bit like having a painful muscle cramp. In the moment, you can't imagine the pain ever going away. All you can do is breathe and try to relax and make it through that horrid, painful moment. And once the moment is past, you still ache and hurt, and there's so much fear that you'll cramp up again. And maybe you will. *shrug* Lord knows if you've been on these forums for more than a minute and a half, you've seen the, "S/he did it again..." posts. Or maybe you won't... but either way, there's time where there is no more cramp and eventually even the soreness after the cramp fades.
All we can do is live our lives so that we can try to stay healthy enough to avoid the cramps (or infidelity... heh) and so that we're strong enough and self sufficient enough to handle whatever is thrown at us when/if something more gets tossed our way.
I'm glad I documented this journey. There was a time when I didn't think I'd make it through the other side, and it's a good lesson to remember for future trials.
Replies