Recommittment
I've been a bit stir crazy. Our oldest son is off at college which has put considerable financial burden on our already overburdened selves, and that's meant no date nights, and worse, no get away weekends. The getaway weekends every month (roughly?) were the thing that most helped me let everything go for periods of time long enough that I could let go of the hurt, anger, resentment, and fear and actually HEAL. H and I are planning my birthday getaway for December, but... well. I've been getting antsy and unhappy. Pre-A I would have ignored it. Kept on chugging. I would have pretended everything was fine or I would have been passive aggressive and resentful that he didn't just know what was wrong. Instead, I talked to him about it and he admitted he was missing "us" time, too. Still, he didn't immediately offer to remedy the situation or come up with a solution, so I thought it was sort of a nodding, "Yes dear."
Turns out he really does "get it" because a couple days later he sent a text: "Is it too late to ask my hot wife out for dinner?" It was 6pm. Again: Pre-A I would have been angry and disgruntled because I already had prepared dinner and his spontaneity would have rubbed me wrong, but I was able to see this for what it was - him trying to be romantic and loving. Since I'd already prepared dinner for the kids, it just meant I had to rush to get ready and we could go.
I went all out (as much as one can with only a 40 minute window to work within) - curled my hair, put on makeup, even slipped on a skirt. (I NEVER wear skirts anymore!) He was very appreciative and very verbal about his appreciation (as well as his touchy feelies!) It was nice. I made a point of keeping the conversation pleasant and relaxing and fun even though there are a billion things I want/need to talk to him about of a more serious nature. After all, date nights should be fun, not painful.
During dinner, we had a weird conversation that really got me thinking.
H and I will be married 18 years in January. There have been discussions about anniversary celebrations and about an anniversary ring for our 20th and without getting into the long, drawn outs of it, H made some comment to the effect of, "Next wedding I want ____" (I don't even remember what it was he said?) I froze. My brain went numb. Before the heat of rage could fill me completely I let a little steam off by saying something like, "Well, good for you and your new wife. Hope it's a nice wedding."H had the decency to look stunned and he quickly explained that he meant with ME.
"We're already married," I said, still feeling the bitter bite of his "next wedding" comment.
"Yeah, but I want to do it RIGHT, this time," he said, and took my hand.It was so weird. He's always said he loved how our wedding was, even though we threw it together on our sad, shoe string budget. I sort of think there were failings he didn't see as failings at the time that he's realizing now might not have lived up to my fairy tale dream. I would have settled for fidelity, to be honest, but I guess that's more of the MARRIAGE than the WEDDING. And honestly, maybe that's what HE was talking about, too?
Regardless, it felt me reeling.Then he looked up at me with his big blue eyes through his thick lashes and said, "Would you say yes if I asked you again?"It caught me off guard.
And really, his timing is shitty. This time of year two years ago OW was throwing threats at him and demanding that he move out in time so they could celebrate their November birthdays together. This time two years ago I was still oblivious and blissfully ignorant. Yeah, a LOT of stuff has happened since then and we've recovered enough that yes, YES I want to be with him and love to be with him and am happy that we're together, but. Wow. And of course all this went spinning through my head and I couldn't really answer.
It struck me hard because I thought staying together and working so hard on our marriage was proof that I wanted to be with him. What do we need with a wedding? And yet...
A do-over with vows that mean something and understanding what we each are asking for in a marriage commitment, well, that's something. When we married the first time, our vows were all about an endless golden ring of love. We did that. We never stopped loving each other. And yet - it wasn't enough. Love is never enough. It would be nice to make more specific promises that we actually understand and can stand by.
It's like saying the pledge of allegiance. From the time kids are tiny, they get stuck saying it all the time, but by fourth or fifth grade, a good many of them STILL don't know that by "pledging" they are promising - nor do they have a clue WHAT they're promising. I'm not entirely sure many adults even understand it. It feels like we were the same way when we married. It wasn't that we were stupid, we were just naive. We didn't know what to ask for in our promises because we didn't know what promises we would need from each other to make it work.
NOW WE KNOW.
Eventually, I did respond coyly with, "I guess you'd have to ask me to find out what my answer would be," but then a moment later I did throw in a solemn, "I AM glad you're my husband." Because, well, I am.
I don't know how I feel about a recommitment ceremony, but the thought has been planted deeply in my head and I'm sure I'll chew on the idea until it's lost its flavor or until I choke on it. Heh. I don't think I'd agree to it until our 20th anyway, for a variety of reasons, and... frankly... I wouldn't even bring it up or try to run with it unless HE initiated. It doesn't seem like a very guy thing to do, so we'll see.
Turns out he really does "get it" because a couple days later he sent a text: "Is it too late to ask my hot wife out for dinner?" It was 6pm. Again: Pre-A I would have been angry and disgruntled because I already had prepared dinner and his spontaneity would have rubbed me wrong, but I was able to see this for what it was - him trying to be romantic and loving. Since I'd already prepared dinner for the kids, it just meant I had to rush to get ready and we could go.
I went all out (as much as one can with only a 40 minute window to work within) - curled my hair, put on makeup, even slipped on a skirt. (I NEVER wear skirts anymore!) He was very appreciative and very verbal about his appreciation (as well as his touchy feelies!) It was nice. I made a point of keeping the conversation pleasant and relaxing and fun even though there are a billion things I want/need to talk to him about of a more serious nature. After all, date nights should be fun, not painful.
During dinner, we had a weird conversation that really got me thinking.
H and I will be married 18 years in January. There have been discussions about anniversary celebrations and about an anniversary ring for our 20th and without getting into the long, drawn outs of it, H made some comment to the effect of, "Next wedding I want ____" (I don't even remember what it was he said?) I froze. My brain went numb. Before the heat of rage could fill me completely I let a little steam off by saying something like, "Well, good for you and your new wife. Hope it's a nice wedding."H had the decency to look stunned and he quickly explained that he meant with ME.
"We're already married," I said, still feeling the bitter bite of his "next wedding" comment.
"Yeah, but I want to do it RIGHT, this time," he said, and took my hand.It was so weird. He's always said he loved how our wedding was, even though we threw it together on our sad, shoe string budget. I sort of think there were failings he didn't see as failings at the time that he's realizing now might not have lived up to my fairy tale dream. I would have settled for fidelity, to be honest, but I guess that's more of the MARRIAGE than the WEDDING. And honestly, maybe that's what HE was talking about, too?
Regardless, it felt me reeling.Then he looked up at me with his big blue eyes through his thick lashes and said, "Would you say yes if I asked you again?"It caught me off guard.
And really, his timing is shitty. This time of year two years ago OW was throwing threats at him and demanding that he move out in time so they could celebrate their November birthdays together. This time two years ago I was still oblivious and blissfully ignorant. Yeah, a LOT of stuff has happened since then and we've recovered enough that yes, YES I want to be with him and love to be with him and am happy that we're together, but. Wow. And of course all this went spinning through my head and I couldn't really answer.
It struck me hard because I thought staying together and working so hard on our marriage was proof that I wanted to be with him. What do we need with a wedding? And yet...
A do-over with vows that mean something and understanding what we each are asking for in a marriage commitment, well, that's something. When we married the first time, our vows were all about an endless golden ring of love. We did that. We never stopped loving each other. And yet - it wasn't enough. Love is never enough. It would be nice to make more specific promises that we actually understand and can stand by.
It's like saying the pledge of allegiance. From the time kids are tiny, they get stuck saying it all the time, but by fourth or fifth grade, a good many of them STILL don't know that by "pledging" they are promising - nor do they have a clue WHAT they're promising. I'm not entirely sure many adults even understand it. It feels like we were the same way when we married. It wasn't that we were stupid, we were just naive. We didn't know what to ask for in our promises because we didn't know what promises we would need from each other to make it work.
NOW WE KNOW.
Eventually, I did respond coyly with, "I guess you'd have to ask me to find out what my answer would be," but then a moment later I did throw in a solemn, "I AM glad you're my husband." Because, well, I am.
I don't know how I feel about a recommitment ceremony, but the thought has been planted deeply in my head and I'm sure I'll chew on the idea until it's lost its flavor or until I choke on it. Heh. I don't think I'd agree to it until our 20th anyway, for a variety of reasons, and... frankly... I wouldn't even bring it up or try to run with it unless HE initiated. It doesn't seem like a very guy thing to do, so we'll see.
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I told my H if I had a peak of what our future would have looked like when we decided to get married, my answer would have been no. He’s put me through so much. He was not a good father or a good husband - he didn’t put much effort. He put us in financial trouble (which I was helping him out of at the time he was carrying on with his A - I worked more hours to earn extra whilst doing EVERYTHING at home - he literally just slept/worked and went to gym). Only now when his A came to light he realized he’s been selfish/self centered all these years. He’s very thankful that I stood by him and told me he’s going to give his all to make it up to me and work to save our marriage.
If I'm honest, Grace - my marriage was pretty bad before the A. My husband did whatever he wanted and left me to clean up the messes (literally and metaphorically). The only way I was willing to rebuild was if we built something better than it was before. Why bother, otherwise!?