Reclaiming my Equilibrium

It has been brought to my attention from my sister before writing this entry that I haven't been helping out with cleaning the house and she is correct. As of right now, I have been out of work. I am not depressed about it and currently job searching. I admit to sleeping late and watching tv. I have been getting up late and acting like a teenager and going to bed late at 4 am. The truth is that I have no balance. For the past 14 years, I have been busy working, coming home, and rarely going out. I was taught at the program that I was at to just be busy working since I became a father. Both my Job Coach and Counselor at the time had given me very bad advice and it was my fault for listening to them. God knows how many people that they tell this same horrible advice to. 

As 14 years pass, I became stagnate and more concerned about what the Supervisors at the Jobs I had worked wanted. I was putting their needs over my own. Even when I was terminated from some of those jobs that I didn't realize that they didn't care about me and dismissed me like a piece of garbage. I am now realizing what the term Work, Life, Balance means. The Family Court program I was forced to go byThe Court Magistrate was telling me and others who were in that program at the time to be focused on mainly caring for your child and not having time to care for yourself. That is the reason why my Blood Pressure has been high. These people who didn't care about me had left me to fend for myself and hopefully to fade away into obilvion. 

I was engaging in self destructive behavior and my health was a wake up call. I hate the Family Court System for teaching Non Custodial Parents to not take care of themselves. I am not going to rely on them at all because they only care about themselves and the money that they are recieving from the City and State. It has been a gradual process and learning to go to bed early, relax, and not taking work home with me which I had done in the past. At the job I was working in 2 years ago, I was miserable and hated the Supervisor who was a total prick and a racist. I was fired from that job and glad that he had left when the truth about him had been revealed. He was going to be demoted and instead quit. 

I am learning that it is better to leave a job than stay and remain miserable while there. I was so concerned about showing the Job Developer at the program that I was in at the time that I can maintain employment which I have and it came at the expense of my emotional health and self-esteem. My work experience is now better and learning to not please people in the Family Court System who don't care and horrible to people. Life is too short and it's always be good to yourself. My health is getting better, learning to find new activities to participate in and even resume the ones I was in before what happened to me. 

Being a father wasn't a mistake, I was with a woman whom we weren't meant to be together. My ex GF has issues and she is still angry with her father years after he died because he was abusive towards her siblings and mother. Being a Mother and having sole custody of my daughter will not make her issues go away. My ex needs to go to therapy. I feel sad that I am not in my daughter's life at this time and it has tortured me emotionally and mentally for years which is why I have been raging at myself which is the reason I had become lazy and stop caring. I didn't do drugs, alcohol, or attempt Suicide. I couldn't do it because my will to live is strong and my family, friends, and daughter wouldn't forgive me for killing myself. 

I had kept self sabotaging myself and very unhappy. I was angry because I really wanted to do the right thing and take care of my daughter and be a better father. I had raged because I had thought I had failed miserably. My father couldn't take care of me and my family because the issues of his life had dominated his. I am not making excuses for my father, he had a hard life. One day, I will be in my daughter's life and be the father to her that I wasn't when she was born and it hurt. I had cried when I was alone and had no one to talk to other than my siblings. That pain caused me to emotionally and mentally self destruct. Now that I am turning 49 later this year, I realize that this isn't the end for me and that I am beginning a new chapter in my life.

I am not the only man to have a child out of wedlock and it's good to know that I am not alone. Non Custodial Dads aren't recieving the support that we need. The past 14 years was pure hell for me and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially on my worst enemy. Going to therapy has been helpful and haven't been to a therapist in 4 years because I had needed to accept the pain and heal from it. Crying has also been helpful and leading up to acceptance. Listening to the audio version of Dr. Phil's Self Matters has been a blessing; I was running away from my authentic self and allowed people who weren't for me to define me as a person than me. Right now, I want to heal and be a loner. There is nothing wrong with being a loner at this time. 

In our society, being a loner has been demonized negatively because of criminal behavior. There is nothing wrong with loneliness except when you completely isolate yourself from others. You need time to yourself to process what has happened negatively in your life, learn from your mistakes, and cut out the people in your life who don't give you the support that you need, and to heal. I am realizing that and not just write about it. For starters, I will start back cleaning the house, get back into writing, being fit, and having everything in balance. I should mininumize watching tv. I do have my favorite shows and just turn it off and do some reading since I love going to the library. 

I hate Summer, I should use this time to care for me.