Reclaiming a piece of who I was
Well, as you all know MS robs us of who we once were. Each time I saw a progression or lost the ability to do something I mourn and sometimes get angry. I used to be so positive, energetic, funny, loved running, swimming, and even loved cleaning house ( I know thats strange). I see glimmers of who I am. I am still funny, when feeling good. I still am positive, when not having a pity party. Energetic, not so much, however I am stubborn and push through the fog of fatigue. Well, last night I found a pice of me.
I often find I avoid social situations where there is a chance of seeing people that knew me before I began having trouble. I actually was an LA. Co.Lifeguard for 20 years. I was a good guard, competed nationally, and was very outgoing. Since having more trouble, it had been a good 4 years since I had been in a social arena with a large group of guards. Although I am much more humble these days, my ego still was to fragile to want to be seen. Two weeks ago I learned a dear friend was having a retirement party. He's a Lifeguard. My husband told me, "It's Joel, you have to go". And my friend said "You're coming, right?" I cried. I did not want to go. But my husband was right, I had to go.
An hiur before leaving to go, I called a girlfriend who I lifeguarded with. I expressed my fear. She just demanded I stop crying, get in my scooter and go. She said no one cared, they just want to see me. I was super anxious up until the moment after I entered the venue. and did not want to break down and cry in public. Then I saw a group of people that were like family. Not one strange look, tons of hugs, people treating me no different. I am so overwhelmed with the memory that I can hardly see through the tears, and I am dripping on my lap top. Although I did not forget the MS or how I as feeling that day (stiff, in pain, and too hot) I did revisit the person I was. I learned that she is still in there. I know I am more than what I can do, but to remember me, that was priceless.
So, I have isolated a bit out of fear, pride, and of course fatigue. But when people love you. They really don't care if you mobility has changed.
I often find I avoid social situations where there is a chance of seeing people that knew me before I began having trouble. I actually was an LA. Co.Lifeguard for 20 years. I was a good guard, competed nationally, and was very outgoing. Since having more trouble, it had been a good 4 years since I had been in a social arena with a large group of guards. Although I am much more humble these days, my ego still was to fragile to want to be seen. Two weeks ago I learned a dear friend was having a retirement party. He's a Lifeguard. My husband told me, "It's Joel, you have to go". And my friend said "You're coming, right?" I cried. I did not want to go. But my husband was right, I had to go.
An hiur before leaving to go, I called a girlfriend who I lifeguarded with. I expressed my fear. She just demanded I stop crying, get in my scooter and go. She said no one cared, they just want to see me. I was super anxious up until the moment after I entered the venue. and did not want to break down and cry in public. Then I saw a group of people that were like family. Not one strange look, tons of hugs, people treating me no different. I am so overwhelmed with the memory that I can hardly see through the tears, and I am dripping on my lap top. Although I did not forget the MS or how I as feeling that day (stiff, in pain, and too hot) I did revisit the person I was. I learned that she is still in there. I know I am more than what I can do, but to remember me, that was priceless.
So, I have isolated a bit out of fear, pride, and of course fatigue. But when people love you. They really don't care if you mobility has changed.
Replies
hey girl im crying now you sound just like me .i a void lots of stuff because of my walking .my life is slipping away .how that i read what you wrote im going to try harder to get back into life thanks for the uplifting write .you are my hope and i thank god i found you as a friend one day we shall meet love ya april