Recharge

it's nice to check in a bit and see how folks are coming along. good news is always a mood booster. i'm a little worried because an acquaintance checked herself in for postpartum depression and they released her home only to have sheriff's deputies escort her to a state hospital a few hours later. she wasn't allowed a phone call and it's a completely locked ward. her husband went to visit and get some information but all they'd tell him was there are no p-docs currently available and she'll be on lockdown until someone can come and evaluate her...that was three days ago...i don't understand this state's system. it seems more than a little draconian and i'm worried about her, but i can't help but wonder what might happen if i have to go into hospital again. i don't think this is a place i want that to happen. i don't know that i'd handle that kind of treatment well at all. worse, her boss has already interviewed a replacement for her so when she's discharged she'll be jobless, and how encouraging that'll be for her mood. her boss is such a cow.
 
i had to take an educational assessment today-four bloody hours of testing! reading, spelling, pattern recognition, and maths. these tests are not designed to address the kinds of issues i face with school i don't think. i'm not add or adhd. i'm not looking for accomodations for a notetaker or abbreviated examinations. all i want is extra time for my assignments, especially ones that cause me anxiety attacks. the pattern is obssess over the writing or the composition, PANIC, miss the deadline because i'm too busy freaking out, or too groggy from the sedative i've taken to avoid passing out from stress, and then spiral into a blue funk or true depression because of the missed assignment. i've missed two major assignments (maybe three) for dr. q's class this semester because of this. i did well enough to break the cycle for last week's assignment, but i'm dreading the coming weeks. plus i got an email from dr. q yesterday...i haven't read it. i'm not going to until i get the confirmation from disability services, or until the spring holiday, so if i do fall apart completely i'll have a few days to regroup. i stress about it sitting in my inbox and wonder/worry about what it says, but i'm balancing everything precariously right now, i do NOT have time to succumb to panic or doubt if it's another discouraging message (since all his seem to be).
 
okay, off to do some reading for thursday's class. hanging in there so far...steady on.