Recent thoughts and feelings.

It's strange the thoughts that go through my head. The one side, wanting to be normal. Wanting to be a sexy female, accomplish BWN's "ideal" body shape. I want to be what he wants me to be because I love him so much. I am scared to death of losing him. I want to be healthy, strong, full of energy. The other side wants to stop eating. Be thin. Get that high from starvation that you can accomplish no other way. I want people to walk by me and think about how thin I am. I don't want to hear the stupid effing comments about how I could lose a few here and there, hear my mom's 'oh Jindra, look at your butt!', 'wow, you're taking a second helping', 'honey, look how much Jindra's been eating'. All the while, I know she has an eating disorder herself.I know she means well, I know she is just kidding. Coming from an orphanage herself, she has always shown love through food. Always pushed food my direction, to love is to feed. I do love my mother very much, don't get me wrong. But I have thought on many occasions, how her actions and words have contributed to the daily struggle that goes on through my head, to eat or not to eat. My father in his own right has also done his part. Being the overbearing, controlling, well-meaning yet wrong doing man that has also contributed to my self-destructive tenancies. I can't control my life around me, so I push the self-destruct button. Click. I once tried to talk to one of my supposedly good friends about my eating disorder, and they completely brushed it off and did not believe that I have one. I never felt so fat in my life before. I wanted to die. I, in actuality, was looking for some support. The kind friend to say, 'really? It's going to be OK. I'm here for you'. Instead I got slapped in the face. For me, personally, it's dangerous to doubt me. I'm the kind of person that, in this case, would lose 40 pounds in a month, weigh in at 60 and say "see?". If I died that be even better. Then I would really show them. It's like the times I've yelled in my fathers face, "I hate you! I am going to KILL myself!". "Fine! Don't make a mess!" he'd yell back. I'd stomp off into my room, tears flowing down my face, write a suicide note, blaming him for everything that has gone wrong in my life, and usually cry myself to sleep thinking about how I'd kill myself. Or I'd stomp off into my room, take a metal coat hanger or razor blade, if I was lucky enough to have one, and cut.It is both sad and scary to think about the state I was in. The states that I can be in. The episodes that I go through. But I'm getting off track. I've been thinking about seeing someone. Maybe going on some meds. I don't want to be crazy. I want to be normal... I want to be perfect. I do know that perfection is an unattainable goal, but you can at least try. I want the happy family, the holidays back home, the patter of children's feet in the hallways, the smiling husband. I want it all. I don't want to be doped up, an emotional flat line... but I do want to be more stable. I'm tired of coming home from work, thinking if I should eat, laying in bed and crying. I feel sorry for BWN. I know he wants to help, I know he wants to make me happy, and God knows he does make me happy. I just feel like he doesn't know what to do sometimes. Really, being there is the best thing he can do for me. He's the last person that hasn't given up on me, and quite frankly, I'm shocked he hasn't. I really feel sorry for him though. He deserves so much more than me. He deserves to have someone that is normal, that he doesn't have to be disturbed by. I know he hates things I have done in the past, things I am capable of doing in the future, the things I do to myself now. He deserves to have some pretty, thin, sexy normal woman sweep him off his feet. Sometimes I think it's selfish for me to hold on to him like I do. But I am so scared to let go. I really wish I could look in his head to see what he really thinks of me. I want the thoughts to stop. I want the daily struggle, the daily argument that I have with myself in my head to stop. I want it all to go away. I hope I'm not losing my mind. Can you lose something that is already lost?