reatail therapy

So I thought I would try a little retail therapy today. My end result.....A kitchen floor covered in bags that I have no desire to unpack.
I thought it would be fun cause I love to shop. Well at least I useto love to shop. Now I find myself bypassing or walking as fast as I can past the baby section. Before when shopping was fun I ran straight to the baby section and came home with things for my son. Diapers, wipes ,clothes ,books..I always thought you can never have to many of these things. In fact when my pregnacy was confirmed at only 3 weeks I went to the store and bought a package of wipes. It was my best shopping trip ever. It was the first thing I bought for my Max. Everything I needed was bought and set up so when I got home I could look at it all and smile and rub my belly and anticipate my new arival. Now shopping kinda hurts. I cant buy diapers anymore, or wipes or clothes. While I was shopping I saw to books that were so cute and a little oriniment in the shape of an "M". I bought them. I dont know why cause my Max is gone and I will never get to read him these books but I just bought them.I put the lil "M" on his memorial shelf and the books are still in the bag on my kitchen floor. I still havent packed his things away. I live in a one bedroom and was practicaly kicking myself out just to set up a room for him. I got rid of my king size bed and went to a twin to make room for him but I still wanted to give him more room. My bed is shoved in a corner and the rest of the room is his with his things. I sometimes just stare at it and cry because I know I will never get to see my sweet Max enjoy all of the things I got for him. the paper is still on the new changing table , is lil rocking chair in the corner, his sheets and blankets all nicely folded,his clothes on hangers his bath things and toys all put away. The only thing filling his crib is a moses basket and it just looks so empty to me now. I made him a wall hanging of his name and it huge and is still hanging on the wall and I just dont have the heart to take it down. The first thing I see everytime I walk in my room at night anf the first thing I see when I wake in the morn is that wall hanging  that says "Max". I started to crochet a blanket for him but I never finished it. Its just sitting there like everyhting else...alone and empty just like me. I thought my lil retail therapy trip would make me feel better. Get a few things for myself and things I need around the house but all I want to do is buy for Max and add to my collection of lonley and empty things in my room.If shopping doesnt make feel better only God knows what will and I hope he lets me know what it is real soon cause I cant take much more of this.