reasons 4 me to crawl into bed 4ever

I am so tired of crying for no reason. I'm tired of waking up thinking that I should be holding Sophia and feeding her instead of sleeping in late and doing nothing. I'm tired of being angry and mean and feeling like the most useless person in the world. I don't work I can't support myself, I feel like a freaking guest in my own home sometimes because when we fight my boyfriend tells me if i don't like it I should move out of his house! He moved in with ME when I had a job and i was pregnant, and then we got this stupid place together.
I hate that! I've never had a home or a place where no one could kick me out on my ass whenever they wanted to until I lived alone for 9 months. But I got pregnant and I thought it was best for Sophia to have her mommy and daddy together. Why would God do this? If he was never going to let me have her why did I anticipate it so much? Why the hell does it still hurt so much after damn near 7 months? Why am I so mad at everyone who's done nothing to me but I feel like this hateful person.
I should have taken her home from the damn horrible hospital !! I should be happy that she's over half a year old instead of trying to fin dmore ways to block it out. I should have something to show for the last year of my life!! I still don't understand why and I hate being on this crazy roller coaster where I'm ok some days and the next I'm fighting with everyone and crying over the dumbest crap and hating everything including the paint on the walls. I swear if my old ob/gyn was here I would punch her right in her smug face!