realy having fun now

my h left for trap camp this morning ....haven't been doing to good for a while now ...but so far been keeping my mind bissey ...untill I had to come in here ...I had to talk to someone and dident realy know who ..............don't have much to say .......just ..I don't know ..what the hell is wrong with me .....I would like to yell that ...if that is ok .....I can't make him stay home ...I won't ....but I will have to tell my doctor just how bad it gets ....but he can't tell my h ....I have so maney things I could tell you ..but ..I can't ...99 percent wouldent belive me .....and that ..one present ...know enough ...I know way to much ....I schould be like a tv and have a button to turn me off and on ....but who would turn me on ....I wouldent know I was off .....I wouldent ...feel.....I wouldent know ...but I wouldent of had the ....best ...experances ...I have ever had in my life ...and ...there are more to come ...but just not so maney ...lately ...I have a dishion to make this weak ....I don't know what the right answer is ....I just don't ...I know what everyone except what one person would say ....but this person ....is so important ...and I ..have s much to make up to this person ...so I thought all these years ....now I find out it is a diferant story .....and I knew it all along ....but ..it doesent chang how I feel ....it could be harmful to ..me ...because of my ..mental condition ....so how much do I ..need to pay back ......because I don't think it would be posible for me to ever pay enough back ...not in this life time or the next .....so ...schould I start now .........or ask for a stay of execution ....it is just how I feel about it not this person ..me ....just me ..........just my thoughts ..going to see my son tomorow ..for supper ..I gess I am staying over .....