Really Down
I'm really down. Don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I'm so tired of going to doctors who find more things wrong with me. Don't want to cook so I'm living on simple stuff,,,sandwiches, snacks, easy cook meals. No creativity in my cooking now. Cigarettes, coffee, diet soda, sports drinks, cracker snacks, and peanuts are my favorite things. I'm smoking too much and can't see a way to quit and its making my emphysema worse. I'm even losing interest in coffee,, drinking half as much as I used to. My legs are going down slowly. When the sores on the leg are cured, I can look forward to support hose for the lymphedema, The legs are getting weaker and I'm having trouble going up stairs. I waited 5 minutes to get the courage to try to get in the house this morning. Its only one step from the outside steps to the kitchen, but it scares me. That's happened before. Its a fear that I might fall. I don't want to sleep, but the next morning, I don't want to get out of bed. Naps during the day don't help even when I get in bed. Getting in bed wakes me up. There are things that need to be done around the house, basic cleaning, major cleaning, taking out the trash and recycling stuff , washing dishes, etc.,but I just don't have the energy or the desire to do it. Maybe I should go to a nursing home and die. I'm tired of living.
Replies
So sorry to hear that you are feeling that bad. I think that when your legs get better, your spirits will improve too. At least that\'s the way it is for me. Take good care of you. If I ever have to go to a nursing home, I hope it won\'t be to die, but maybe just to have a nutritious diet, because I think I would rather be at home to die. At least that\'s the way I feel now.. Hugs and love to you in your time of need, dear friend!
Oh precious Mike -- the ugly depression monster has snuck up and attacked you big time for sure. I remember when I kicked cigarettes, I was twenty way back then and had been a \'puffer\' from a very early age. I tried several times to quit before I succeeded. With being ill and depressed this is not the best time to try and change this habit but a good start would be to replace the smoking with something you enjoy that won\'t cause you harm. Sometimes all it takes is a fifteen minute distraction. Perhaps some nice music and doing some journal writing about what you are going through may help? I know it was my DS journal that saved my bacon from the frying pan many times throughout this crisis of coping alone since the death of my husband with disabling illness -- what a nightmare it has been. I never realized just how vicious people can be once they discover you are coping alone with a disabling illness without anyone to protect you at all - my oh my I just truly had no clue -- scary.
Mostly, be very gentle and good to yourself. Little changes can add up really big over time -- start small and journal your way through it -- just a thought from what has worked for me over time.
But most of all do be very good to you.
Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I was sorry to read this journal and see how much you are going through. You don\'t want to go into a nursing home, trust me on that. I think of you often, and what an inspiration you are to others on here, as well as to Kit. I can\'t say don\'t get discouraged, because I get there too many times a week. I am now reading a book which has some good advice in it, and trying to just move forward with what I have to work with. I also see in my line of work that I have a terrible job with my new client, but how would I feel if I walked in her shoes? To be a registered nurse and then be bed ridden in such a short time. I don\'t believe it gives her the right to dish out such horrible treatment, but I do believe that I have to ask myself how would I be if I had to walk in her shoes.
Staying out of the nursing home, keeps you alive. You do get out and do things, know that from reading your journal, how does the saying go? Take baby steps. Maybe one step sounds simple, but I was diagnosed with Parkinson\'s and some days with the staggering, one step seems to many. At least you are active and trying, in a nursing home you might resign yourself into not trying anything. I am proud of you, proud you are my friend and please understand I am not on here a lot, and don\'t get to reply to a lot of journals, but you, when I seen the red face, I had to come and see what is up with you. Why? Because I never hear you say anything about yourself that is pointing to resigning from anything. Hugs to you!
HELLO, SO SORRY YOU ARE FEELING SO DOWN, DO TRY TO CHANGE TO A HEALTHIER DIET, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, DON\'T THINK ABOUT DYING ,TOO SOON, PLEASE GET STRONGER, GET SOMEONE TO HELP YOU WITH THE HOUSE, LOVE LUCY**