Realizing how bad it was
I've recently realized how bad my childhood was. I always thought "it wasn't so bad" and "my parents are nice and tried their best."
I then realized that both of my parents leaned on me (emotionally), because they had no friends, didn't socialize with either of their families -- I had to tell them how smart and funny they were etc. In return, they rarely listened to my feelings, and invalidated me when I was upset, so I hid my feelings from them. My feelings would just get in the way, I guess.
They insisted that everything in the world was scary, difficult, and "too hard for me" so they would do tasks for me instead. I didn't get to build my own confidence. They then wanted me to praise them for "handling it so well. You're so smart." They didn't teach me the basics, but instead implied that "this is something that if you do wrong, you're screwed forever, so you'll have to let us do it."
I was never told how things worked, and I figured I was too stupid to do it for myself. I still feel this way as an adult. I still rely on them. I'm angry about it, and I'm afraid to take the reins of my own life.
If I had a kid, I would teach her how to do things. I would build her confidence! It makes me so MAD they didn't allow me to be myself and confident.
It's one reason I went w/ my abusive ex. He was confident that he would "take care of me."
They also let my older (jealous) sister bully me daily, without seeing it as a problem. She called me stupid, ugly, no one liked me, she rejected me and ditched me often, laughed at me for being stupid, etc. We'd physically fight fairly often also. As a very small kid I guess I ran after her and bit her back. It bled. They never understood that I did that because she was tormenting me. I only wanted her to love me though.
I told my mom as a 7-year-old that I didn't think she loved me. She told my sister that, and my sister, annoyed, repeated "I love you." My mom said "be careful, or you will lose her." My sister did lose me. I stopped speaking to her completey when I was 23. In those 7 years we only speak at holidays, briefly.
I hit her once as a little kid, and my dad chased me, dragged me to my room, and spanked me while yelling "we do not hit!!" (which even as a 7-year-old, I thought was hypocritical). And he didn't care WHY I'd hit her. My ankle scraped on the side of the fridge and was bleeding. He was embarrassed.
They praised me in front of her, causing more of her jealousy. They praised me as the "good one" who did everything they wanted. So I tried to be perfect to get that "love." I now realize it was conditional love.
I did everything perfectly though. I didn't show my flaws.
When my sister was upset, my dad would scream that she was "hysterical" and "ridiculous" and she'd run off to her room. So I didn't dare share my feelings.
If I was very upset, and my parents didn't think my reason to be upset was good enough, they'd yell at me. If they did think it was a good reason, they'd give me a nice hug and encouragement. I never knew if I would get this "love or not." And I had to wait for it.
They'd say "later," and "maybe," a lot. I'd sometimes wait weeks for something, such as going to a store, only to have them decide they didn't feel like going. Most days any request was met with "maybe later" from my dad, who had a full day of sitting and watching TV and porn on his plate.
The rest of the time I was ignorred. My dad was home all day, but usually in his room. My mom was at work, and spent her evenings readings alone. They just shut us out. I was usually lonely.
I had a nightmere (when I was 6), that my dad was leading me up to a guillatine, to have my head chopped off. He was calm and disinterested. I was deeply sad that 1) he didn't care that I was about to die, 2) that he was willing to kill me, and that 3) I was so sad I had to die, and I didn't want to.
It's weird but I don't remember anything else about that whole year. But i remember a lot about the year before and after.
All the while I was told how lucky I was that my parents didn't beat me or abuse me. That I was so lucky to have a "happy childhood." That I was lucky that unlike "rich kids" they had plenty of time to spend w/ us.
They didn't socialize me. I didn't leave the house or meet other kids until I went to school at age 4.5 (I asked to go early because I was so lonely). Same with my sister.
I was extremely shy and anxious whenever leaving the house. My sister was overly interested in other kids (due to not seeing any as a small kid), so she'd run up and hug strangers. I hid behind my parents.
I was shy and didn't speak in public until I was 14. Only if I was spoken to, did I "sometimes" speak. I managed to have friends, who were very persistent with me, and kept talking. There weren't any other kids who acted like this, so I felt I was very "odd." A parent once remarked that I was too old to be too shy and "these things happen with the parents, and how they raise their kid," and I was embarassed, becasue I thought it was just all my own fault.
My parents made me feel like friends were bad for me to have, so I didn't bring kids home. They'd say "you don't need friends like your sister. You're an introvert like us. You rely on us for emotional support."
Of course, I had NO emotional support. But I thought I did.
So I didn't see a problem.
They didn't notice problems I was having, such as crying in school. I cried often, in public, in embarassing ways. I couldn't control it. My teachers and dad would sternly tell me "you're too old to cry! Stop it." No one asked if I was ok. I mostly cried because I felt so stupid, that the assigments seemed impossible, and I was embarassed.
If I held in my tears all day, they'd praise me.They said I was good and "controlled."
As I got older, my anxiety worsened. All day at school I would pretend I wasn't terrified. I got good at acting normal. I'd pretend to breathe normally and relax my face, even though I was usually about to lose it. My hands sweat so much that they dripped. My face flushed a bright red every day -- teachers would ask if I'd just gone running. So I started wearing make-up to hide the blushing, and would hide my hands the best I could.
Because I could hide my terror (and was used to always feeling scared), I was able to take risks, in the effort of appearing "perfect" so no one would know my dark secret of how horrible I really was. So I got leads in plays and won school interview competitions, etc. I read my award winning poems in front of the school, I was on a dance line, etc. I always felt scared, so I wasn't any more scared in front of a crowd.
My mom now says that my dad and her were ignorred as kids also. She admits that she liked doing all of my tasks for me, because she did like the praise (it made her feel smart). She says she never had her own feelings as a child (or ever) so it's hard for her to listen to me now. BUT she makes it sound like everything is still ok. She wants to come visit soon and go to all of these touristy places. She thinks we're on good terms.
After this last abusive relationship, I started having panic attacks. I eventually realized it's because I'm afraid of death -- I don't feel I have the confidence to support myself financially, so I'm afraid of not being able to support my own life, and dying, if no one else is there to care for me (such as my ex leaving). My parents are supporting me partially now, but they don't have much more money left. And when that money is gone, I'm afraid of having to kill myself, because I won't be able to make enough money (the last 6 years I tried to start businesses that didn't work).
I'm angry that I feel that way. I feel guilty when I try to take care of myself, because I know my parents want to be the ones to do it, so that I meet their emotional needs. Otherwise, they don't "love me" and I'm totally alone in the world.
I no longer speak to my dad either. So it's only my mom I talk to. My dad still "likes" me, and figures I'm just busy.
So I guess it's a choice between being totally alone in the world (no family) or not being able to support myself and dying.
I told a lot of this to my mom, who changed the topic to herself, and how poor her didn't have friends when she was little. It made me so angry. I hung up.
My mom is also extremely stressed by every tiny detail of life. She's admitted she likes to make dumb tasks seem "important" by stressing about them, so that she can feel "smart and capable." But she also stresses me out about my own life tasks, making me feel everything is "too hard and scary for me to handle." In my early 20s she ripped my tax forms out of my hands, insisting that this was "VERY important stuff" so she had to do it instead. I had to scream at her until she gave them back. I hired someone to do them for me though.
I feel robbed of a childhood. I didn't feel loved. I still don't. No matter what I do, I can never get that back.
I feel that to run my own life is being disloyal to them. I feel guilty when I make my own decisions. But I feel stuck and depressed when they make them for me.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I am starting to not want relationships anymore. Before I chased love down, and I tried to make everyone love me, by being "perfect." Now I see that I haven't been perfect, or loved, and I don't see the point in chasing it anymore.
I hope to eventually be able to support myself, but I know that will cut the final cord, and I won't speak to my mom anymore. It scares me, because she's really the only one I talk to.
My sister doesn't really talk to either of my parents, beyond a "check in" call that she rarely does. My mom doesn't understand why my sister won't have an actual conversation with her. I understand why though.
I just hope I can get past these things and have a happy life. I'm 30 and broke, about to be divorced, no savings, no friends I can talk to (just "going out friends"), and I'm still having panic attacks to the point that I can't take the subway or buses (more than 10 blocks). My health isn't as good as it could be either, so I'm always tired.
I don't care as much about my emotionally abusive ex now - who I'm pretty sure is a sociopath with possibly 3 different split personalities. I can see that my problems go deeper than that.
I met him when my mom had decided to cut off financial support of me -- with no warning. So I was desperate. I was looking to move to an unsafe area of town and to apply to work at Starbucks. Then I met him (literally the next day), he had a good job, he wanted to "take care of me" -- he also wanted his green card, which I found out much later on (sociopaths always have a reason).
I loved him deeply though, and I felt he was my soulmate. It was like a fairytale and I adored him. I tried to please him and make him happy and be perfect, he ignored me, abused me, raged at me, ditched me, rejected me, and tore down my self esteem. He lied, had no romantic interest in me (watched porn or went to strip clubs instead -- all secretive). I was more attractive than him, and he wasn't gay, it was a sex addiction where he shut me out in favor of himself, or strippers (fantasy sex vs. relationship sex). He cared about my feelings about half of the time (like my dad), and rejected me the other half of the time. He had a rage problem and left me alone (in unsafe situations) twice. Once I didn't have my purse when he stormed out of a party. The other, he stormed off, leaving me on a crowded street the 1st day on vacation in a new city, where I didn't have a hotel key or know where the hotel was.
Yet, if it wasn't for what my mom had done, I don't think I would have been so desperate to move in with him. He gave me a beautiful expensive apartment (the best I'd ever lived in by far), handbags that cost 5 times what I'd ever had, a big ring, and the promise of a family and love -- it was the little things he did where I thought he loved me...the hugs, adoring looks, cuddling, long conversations - -that's what I lived for. But he took away my self respect every moment that I stayed, because I knew he was being cruel to me during his emotional abuse. So I did leave after 2 years total of being together, to again have my mom loan me more money for an apartment -- deep in debt. to her now.
I have had some business success, but it's not enough to keep afloat. I know eventually I will reach all of my dreams, but I guess I'm just afraid to lose my mom now -- if I don't "need" her, I feel I'll be alone. I'm afraid of anyone having this power over me ever again. I want my freedom and independence, and I need to learn how to get it.
Odly, to everyone else I look successful and normal. My "friends" have no idea. I have gotten a couple new clients w/ my business (still making 1/4 of what I need to survive, and less than I need to live comfortably), and I was invited to do a speech for about 70 people w/ advice for them. Ironic, that I'm so screwed up. I hope to not always be.
I then realized that both of my parents leaned on me (emotionally), because they had no friends, didn't socialize with either of their families -- I had to tell them how smart and funny they were etc. In return, they rarely listened to my feelings, and invalidated me when I was upset, so I hid my feelings from them. My feelings would just get in the way, I guess.
They insisted that everything in the world was scary, difficult, and "too hard for me" so they would do tasks for me instead. I didn't get to build my own confidence. They then wanted me to praise them for "handling it so well. You're so smart." They didn't teach me the basics, but instead implied that "this is something that if you do wrong, you're screwed forever, so you'll have to let us do it."
I was never told how things worked, and I figured I was too stupid to do it for myself. I still feel this way as an adult. I still rely on them. I'm angry about it, and I'm afraid to take the reins of my own life.
If I had a kid, I would teach her how to do things. I would build her confidence! It makes me so MAD they didn't allow me to be myself and confident.
It's one reason I went w/ my abusive ex. He was confident that he would "take care of me."
They also let my older (jealous) sister bully me daily, without seeing it as a problem. She called me stupid, ugly, no one liked me, she rejected me and ditched me often, laughed at me for being stupid, etc. We'd physically fight fairly often also. As a very small kid I guess I ran after her and bit her back. It bled. They never understood that I did that because she was tormenting me. I only wanted her to love me though.
I told my mom as a 7-year-old that I didn't think she loved me. She told my sister that, and my sister, annoyed, repeated "I love you." My mom said "be careful, or you will lose her." My sister did lose me. I stopped speaking to her completey when I was 23. In those 7 years we only speak at holidays, briefly.
I hit her once as a little kid, and my dad chased me, dragged me to my room, and spanked me while yelling "we do not hit!!" (which even as a 7-year-old, I thought was hypocritical). And he didn't care WHY I'd hit her. My ankle scraped on the side of the fridge and was bleeding. He was embarrassed.
They praised me in front of her, causing more of her jealousy. They praised me as the "good one" who did everything they wanted. So I tried to be perfect to get that "love." I now realize it was conditional love.
I did everything perfectly though. I didn't show my flaws.
When my sister was upset, my dad would scream that she was "hysterical" and "ridiculous" and she'd run off to her room. So I didn't dare share my feelings.
If I was very upset, and my parents didn't think my reason to be upset was good enough, they'd yell at me. If they did think it was a good reason, they'd give me a nice hug and encouragement. I never knew if I would get this "love or not." And I had to wait for it.
They'd say "later," and "maybe," a lot. I'd sometimes wait weeks for something, such as going to a store, only to have them decide they didn't feel like going. Most days any request was met with "maybe later" from my dad, who had a full day of sitting and watching TV and porn on his plate.
The rest of the time I was ignorred. My dad was home all day, but usually in his room. My mom was at work, and spent her evenings readings alone. They just shut us out. I was usually lonely.
I had a nightmere (when I was 6), that my dad was leading me up to a guillatine, to have my head chopped off. He was calm and disinterested. I was deeply sad that 1) he didn't care that I was about to die, 2) that he was willing to kill me, and that 3) I was so sad I had to die, and I didn't want to.
It's weird but I don't remember anything else about that whole year. But i remember a lot about the year before and after.
All the while I was told how lucky I was that my parents didn't beat me or abuse me. That I was so lucky to have a "happy childhood." That I was lucky that unlike "rich kids" they had plenty of time to spend w/ us.
They didn't socialize me. I didn't leave the house or meet other kids until I went to school at age 4.5 (I asked to go early because I was so lonely). Same with my sister.
I was extremely shy and anxious whenever leaving the house. My sister was overly interested in other kids (due to not seeing any as a small kid), so she'd run up and hug strangers. I hid behind my parents.
I was shy and didn't speak in public until I was 14. Only if I was spoken to, did I "sometimes" speak. I managed to have friends, who were very persistent with me, and kept talking. There weren't any other kids who acted like this, so I felt I was very "odd." A parent once remarked that I was too old to be too shy and "these things happen with the parents, and how they raise their kid," and I was embarassed, becasue I thought it was just all my own fault.
My parents made me feel like friends were bad for me to have, so I didn't bring kids home. They'd say "you don't need friends like your sister. You're an introvert like us. You rely on us for emotional support."
Of course, I had NO emotional support. But I thought I did.
So I didn't see a problem.
They didn't notice problems I was having, such as crying in school. I cried often, in public, in embarassing ways. I couldn't control it. My teachers and dad would sternly tell me "you're too old to cry! Stop it." No one asked if I was ok. I mostly cried because I felt so stupid, that the assigments seemed impossible, and I was embarassed.
If I held in my tears all day, they'd praise me.They said I was good and "controlled."
As I got older, my anxiety worsened. All day at school I would pretend I wasn't terrified. I got good at acting normal. I'd pretend to breathe normally and relax my face, even though I was usually about to lose it. My hands sweat so much that they dripped. My face flushed a bright red every day -- teachers would ask if I'd just gone running. So I started wearing make-up to hide the blushing, and would hide my hands the best I could.
Because I could hide my terror (and was used to always feeling scared), I was able to take risks, in the effort of appearing "perfect" so no one would know my dark secret of how horrible I really was. So I got leads in plays and won school interview competitions, etc. I read my award winning poems in front of the school, I was on a dance line, etc. I always felt scared, so I wasn't any more scared in front of a crowd.
My mom now says that my dad and her were ignorred as kids also. She admits that she liked doing all of my tasks for me, because she did like the praise (it made her feel smart). She says she never had her own feelings as a child (or ever) so it's hard for her to listen to me now. BUT she makes it sound like everything is still ok. She wants to come visit soon and go to all of these touristy places. She thinks we're on good terms.
After this last abusive relationship, I started having panic attacks. I eventually realized it's because I'm afraid of death -- I don't feel I have the confidence to support myself financially, so I'm afraid of not being able to support my own life, and dying, if no one else is there to care for me (such as my ex leaving). My parents are supporting me partially now, but they don't have much more money left. And when that money is gone, I'm afraid of having to kill myself, because I won't be able to make enough money (the last 6 years I tried to start businesses that didn't work).
I'm angry that I feel that way. I feel guilty when I try to take care of myself, because I know my parents want to be the ones to do it, so that I meet their emotional needs. Otherwise, they don't "love me" and I'm totally alone in the world.
I no longer speak to my dad either. So it's only my mom I talk to. My dad still "likes" me, and figures I'm just busy.
So I guess it's a choice between being totally alone in the world (no family) or not being able to support myself and dying.
I told a lot of this to my mom, who changed the topic to herself, and how poor her didn't have friends when she was little. It made me so angry. I hung up.
My mom is also extremely stressed by every tiny detail of life. She's admitted she likes to make dumb tasks seem "important" by stressing about them, so that she can feel "smart and capable." But she also stresses me out about my own life tasks, making me feel everything is "too hard and scary for me to handle." In my early 20s she ripped my tax forms out of my hands, insisting that this was "VERY important stuff" so she had to do it instead. I had to scream at her until she gave them back. I hired someone to do them for me though.
I feel robbed of a childhood. I didn't feel loved. I still don't. No matter what I do, I can never get that back.
I feel that to run my own life is being disloyal to them. I feel guilty when I make my own decisions. But I feel stuck and depressed when they make them for me.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I am starting to not want relationships anymore. Before I chased love down, and I tried to make everyone love me, by being "perfect." Now I see that I haven't been perfect, or loved, and I don't see the point in chasing it anymore.
I hope to eventually be able to support myself, but I know that will cut the final cord, and I won't speak to my mom anymore. It scares me, because she's really the only one I talk to.
My sister doesn't really talk to either of my parents, beyond a "check in" call that she rarely does. My mom doesn't understand why my sister won't have an actual conversation with her. I understand why though.
I just hope I can get past these things and have a happy life. I'm 30 and broke, about to be divorced, no savings, no friends I can talk to (just "going out friends"), and I'm still having panic attacks to the point that I can't take the subway or buses (more than 10 blocks). My health isn't as good as it could be either, so I'm always tired.
I don't care as much about my emotionally abusive ex now - who I'm pretty sure is a sociopath with possibly 3 different split personalities. I can see that my problems go deeper than that.
I met him when my mom had decided to cut off financial support of me -- with no warning. So I was desperate. I was looking to move to an unsafe area of town and to apply to work at Starbucks. Then I met him (literally the next day), he had a good job, he wanted to "take care of me" -- he also wanted his green card, which I found out much later on (sociopaths always have a reason).
I loved him deeply though, and I felt he was my soulmate. It was like a fairytale and I adored him. I tried to please him and make him happy and be perfect, he ignored me, abused me, raged at me, ditched me, rejected me, and tore down my self esteem. He lied, had no romantic interest in me (watched porn or went to strip clubs instead -- all secretive). I was more attractive than him, and he wasn't gay, it was a sex addiction where he shut me out in favor of himself, or strippers (fantasy sex vs. relationship sex). He cared about my feelings about half of the time (like my dad), and rejected me the other half of the time. He had a rage problem and left me alone (in unsafe situations) twice. Once I didn't have my purse when he stormed out of a party. The other, he stormed off, leaving me on a crowded street the 1st day on vacation in a new city, where I didn't have a hotel key or know where the hotel was.
Yet, if it wasn't for what my mom had done, I don't think I would have been so desperate to move in with him. He gave me a beautiful expensive apartment (the best I'd ever lived in by far), handbags that cost 5 times what I'd ever had, a big ring, and the promise of a family and love -- it was the little things he did where I thought he loved me...the hugs, adoring looks, cuddling, long conversations - -that's what I lived for. But he took away my self respect every moment that I stayed, because I knew he was being cruel to me during his emotional abuse. So I did leave after 2 years total of being together, to again have my mom loan me more money for an apartment -- deep in debt. to her now.
I have had some business success, but it's not enough to keep afloat. I know eventually I will reach all of my dreams, but I guess I'm just afraid to lose my mom now -- if I don't "need" her, I feel I'll be alone. I'm afraid of anyone having this power over me ever again. I want my freedom and independence, and I need to learn how to get it.
Odly, to everyone else I look successful and normal. My "friends" have no idea. I have gotten a couple new clients w/ my business (still making 1/4 of what I need to survive, and less than I need to live comfortably), and I was invited to do a speech for about 70 people w/ advice for them. Ironic, that I'm so screwed up. I hope to not always be.
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