Realizing family problems
I think a lot of us on here, who have stayed with abusive people, really do have problems in our families.
I THOUGHT I had the "perfect childhood" because my parents often told me I did. My parents and sister also come across as "really nice" people. Everyone always says my family is "so nice."
Yet, I always had a list of problems, which I assumed were MY own fault, and some sort of inherent flaw within myself. I was really shy (but my parents never took me out of the house until I went to school, I'd only met 1 other kid), I cried in school a lot for no reason (I was being bullied at home, but no one cared), I was always nervous and scared (my parents told me the world was a horrible place all of the time, were overprotective, and they made fun of me for being "terrified"), I didn't have any friends (my parents said I was good because I was like them, a quiet introvert, and that no one cared about me except for them, so I didn't "need" friends), I didn't have confidence (my parents insisted on doing everything for me, and convincing me I wasn't capable). I also threw tantrums as a small child (because my needs were ignorred -- my dad would get up and leave if I asked him to listen to me, etc), and they said I had an "anger problem" -- as a 2 year old? an anger problem, seriously?
Now I've discovered my mom is codependent (she always insisted on doing tasks for me, not letting me do it because it was "too hard or complicated for me to understand," but she'd make me sit and WATCH her doing the task, even if it took hours, I couldn't leave. And then she'd want me to go on and on about how smart and competent she was, for doing the task. I ended up having no confidence to do tasks myself, and lacking in life experience.
My dad is a narcissist. He is always right. He always praised himself for being "a nurturing and loving father," but he never cared if I was upset. He'd yell at my sister for "being hysterical" if she cried, and tell her she was wrong and to go to her room.He said I was the "good child" because I never cried. (so I cried in my room,and stopped telling him if I was upset). I had to compliment him all of the time. He'd fish for compliments. He'd only show love if I did things perfectly the way he wanted. So I became like his slave.
I was the "good kid." But I wasn't myself at all. I was just playing a role.
He didn't get me a tutor when I was struggling in school, and made me sit at the table for 4 hours while he tried to teach himself how to do my math homework --he never figured it out. But he'd scream at me if I tried to leave the table because "here he was wasting all of this time on me, and I'd better appreciate it, by sitting here and watching him." He never was able to teach me anything, and this went on for years. He wouldn't admit he didn't understand math. My aunt even told me he didn't know how to do math.
My dad never played with me. He only did what he wanted. Most of my childhood I sat on a cold wooden floor watching TV (w/o cable). He was in his bedroom w/ the door locked, watching porn, most of the day. When I'd knock on the door, because I was lonely, he'd say to go away.
My mom worked,and she'd come home, and not hug us (because she had germs), and then would ignore us all night and read her book.
My sister was a bully to me, and has admitted this to me, but has not apologized. My parents let her do this, even in front of them. They said "stop squabling."But didn't care what she said or did to me.
The only time they punished her, was after I'd cleaned the living room and vaccumed the black rug, she threw a bag of white feathers onto the black rug. My dad saw it and punished her - but mostly because he didn't want the rug to be dirty.
She'd hide my dinner plate, and laugh at me for an hour, before my parents would insist she go and find it. And the food would be cold, and no one cared.
She manipulated me, and convinced me I was stupid, unnattractive, and that no one wanted to be around me. when I said something she'd laugh for an hour straight at "how stupid I was" for whatever "error" I'd said, and my parents didn't say anything to her. She'd say things like "what's it like to have a big nose like that?" or "what's it like to be so flat chested" or "what's it like to have a wierd profile like that?"
She'd say we'd hang out, in 2-3 hours, and I'd wait, and then she would ditch me.
I was grateful for any time she spent with me though. I thought she was doing these things "for my own good" so I wouldn't embarass myself. I didn't know anything was wrong w/ this.
---So despite all of this, I was told constantly that I was a "good kid" because I did what they wanted, and unlike my sister, who was "hard to live with and bad." And that I was lucky to have parents who loved me so much. They'd say having children was the best thing they ever did because "kids give back to you." (My narcissist dad said that).
I know they "loved" me, but it wasn't unconditional. I was like a slave. The sad part was because it wasn't physical abuse, or verbal abuse, I didn't know it was happening.
I blamed myself. When I got panic attacks in high school, was constantly flushed, cried way too often, was scared of everything, and had constantly sweaty hands (that actually dripped), I just assumed this was MY fault, and some character flaw I had -- I was just always a "weird" person I thought.
When a high school dance teacher offered to dance naked for me, in exchange for free lessons, and I told my parents, they blew it off and said to keep it quiet. They said they didn't want the stress of me having to testify or anything.
Now they admit that was wrong, and they should have told the police. I told some of the other students what had happened at least, so it wouldn't happen to other kids, and that dance school closed a month later -- not sure if it was because of what I'd said or not.
Since finally starting to get that there were "a few some problems" in my family, I distanced myself. About 5 years ago, I told my parents about my sister bullying me, and they understood for the first time. They said they were sorry for not seeing it, or doing anything about it.
Now they do see it, more than I do. And they notice all the small things she does to dig at me. I guess that's nice, but it's not enough. The damage is done.
I now don't talk to my sister or dad at all. Even going through the divorce, neither of them reached out to me. My sister didn't even send an xmas present to me this year, though we always exchange (and I sent 3 to her, her husband and baby). I'm just about done w/ her.
My mom, I talk to often, but she still dismisses my feelings, lectures me with her outlook, gives me advice on how to do simple tasks, and tells me how hard and complicated the world is, and she gives me so much pity that I feel weak and helpless, and then she "helps" with tasks, and wants me to praise her.
She's given me money for years, because I'm "too weak" to learn how to support myself. But then she'll suddenly say maybe she doesn't have money for next month, and then I have a panic attack, and then she'll come through with it.
It's made it hard to get the confidence to get a job, especially because I had bad experiences at work, and got yelled at a lot (I was doing a good job, but ended up in places where they were jealous I was working so hard, and it made others look bad, so they'd pressure me to quit by bullying me, criticizing tiny things, etc.)
I've yelled at her and told her to stop, but she only sometimes stops. So I told her last night that I will call her on this every time she does it, and if it doesn't stop, I will have to limit contact with her. she admits she is codependent, and is reading articles about it now.
I hope she can change, because she's all I have left.
It's just sad to realize I've really lost a family, and a marriage, because they were all so screwed up.
I don't want to be messed up anymore. I want to become a healthy person, and until I do, I don't trust myself to choose a guy, or anything.
I really have to figure out how to make enough money now to survive. My parents don't have money, so they are lending me their savings, and I have to pay it all back with interest.
But I just feel so empty inside. I wonder if I can ever have a "normal" life, or if I will always attract bullies and losers, like I have in the past. :(
I THOUGHT I had the "perfect childhood" because my parents often told me I did. My parents and sister also come across as "really nice" people. Everyone always says my family is "so nice."
Yet, I always had a list of problems, which I assumed were MY own fault, and some sort of inherent flaw within myself. I was really shy (but my parents never took me out of the house until I went to school, I'd only met 1 other kid), I cried in school a lot for no reason (I was being bullied at home, but no one cared), I was always nervous and scared (my parents told me the world was a horrible place all of the time, were overprotective, and they made fun of me for being "terrified"), I didn't have any friends (my parents said I was good because I was like them, a quiet introvert, and that no one cared about me except for them, so I didn't "need" friends), I didn't have confidence (my parents insisted on doing everything for me, and convincing me I wasn't capable). I also threw tantrums as a small child (because my needs were ignorred -- my dad would get up and leave if I asked him to listen to me, etc), and they said I had an "anger problem" -- as a 2 year old? an anger problem, seriously?
Now I've discovered my mom is codependent (she always insisted on doing tasks for me, not letting me do it because it was "too hard or complicated for me to understand," but she'd make me sit and WATCH her doing the task, even if it took hours, I couldn't leave. And then she'd want me to go on and on about how smart and competent she was, for doing the task. I ended up having no confidence to do tasks myself, and lacking in life experience.
My dad is a narcissist. He is always right. He always praised himself for being "a nurturing and loving father," but he never cared if I was upset. He'd yell at my sister for "being hysterical" if she cried, and tell her she was wrong and to go to her room.He said I was the "good child" because I never cried. (so I cried in my room,and stopped telling him if I was upset). I had to compliment him all of the time. He'd fish for compliments. He'd only show love if I did things perfectly the way he wanted. So I became like his slave.
I was the "good kid." But I wasn't myself at all. I was just playing a role.
He didn't get me a tutor when I was struggling in school, and made me sit at the table for 4 hours while he tried to teach himself how to do my math homework --he never figured it out. But he'd scream at me if I tried to leave the table because "here he was wasting all of this time on me, and I'd better appreciate it, by sitting here and watching him." He never was able to teach me anything, and this went on for years. He wouldn't admit he didn't understand math. My aunt even told me he didn't know how to do math.
My dad never played with me. He only did what he wanted. Most of my childhood I sat on a cold wooden floor watching TV (w/o cable). He was in his bedroom w/ the door locked, watching porn, most of the day. When I'd knock on the door, because I was lonely, he'd say to go away.
My mom worked,and she'd come home, and not hug us (because she had germs), and then would ignore us all night and read her book.
My sister was a bully to me, and has admitted this to me, but has not apologized. My parents let her do this, even in front of them. They said "stop squabling."But didn't care what she said or did to me.
The only time they punished her, was after I'd cleaned the living room and vaccumed the black rug, she threw a bag of white feathers onto the black rug. My dad saw it and punished her - but mostly because he didn't want the rug to be dirty.
She'd hide my dinner plate, and laugh at me for an hour, before my parents would insist she go and find it. And the food would be cold, and no one cared.
She manipulated me, and convinced me I was stupid, unnattractive, and that no one wanted to be around me. when I said something she'd laugh for an hour straight at "how stupid I was" for whatever "error" I'd said, and my parents didn't say anything to her. She'd say things like "what's it like to have a big nose like that?" or "what's it like to be so flat chested" or "what's it like to have a wierd profile like that?"
She'd say we'd hang out, in 2-3 hours, and I'd wait, and then she would ditch me.
I was grateful for any time she spent with me though. I thought she was doing these things "for my own good" so I wouldn't embarass myself. I didn't know anything was wrong w/ this.
---So despite all of this, I was told constantly that I was a "good kid" because I did what they wanted, and unlike my sister, who was "hard to live with and bad." And that I was lucky to have parents who loved me so much. They'd say having children was the best thing they ever did because "kids give back to you." (My narcissist dad said that).
I know they "loved" me, but it wasn't unconditional. I was like a slave. The sad part was because it wasn't physical abuse, or verbal abuse, I didn't know it was happening.
I blamed myself. When I got panic attacks in high school, was constantly flushed, cried way too often, was scared of everything, and had constantly sweaty hands (that actually dripped), I just assumed this was MY fault, and some character flaw I had -- I was just always a "weird" person I thought.
When a high school dance teacher offered to dance naked for me, in exchange for free lessons, and I told my parents, they blew it off and said to keep it quiet. They said they didn't want the stress of me having to testify or anything.
Now they admit that was wrong, and they should have told the police. I told some of the other students what had happened at least, so it wouldn't happen to other kids, and that dance school closed a month later -- not sure if it was because of what I'd said or not.
Since finally starting to get that there were "a few some problems" in my family, I distanced myself. About 5 years ago, I told my parents about my sister bullying me, and they understood for the first time. They said they were sorry for not seeing it, or doing anything about it.
Now they do see it, more than I do. And they notice all the small things she does to dig at me. I guess that's nice, but it's not enough. The damage is done.
I now don't talk to my sister or dad at all. Even going through the divorce, neither of them reached out to me. My sister didn't even send an xmas present to me this year, though we always exchange (and I sent 3 to her, her husband and baby). I'm just about done w/ her.
My mom, I talk to often, but she still dismisses my feelings, lectures me with her outlook, gives me advice on how to do simple tasks, and tells me how hard and complicated the world is, and she gives me so much pity that I feel weak and helpless, and then she "helps" with tasks, and wants me to praise her.
She's given me money for years, because I'm "too weak" to learn how to support myself. But then she'll suddenly say maybe she doesn't have money for next month, and then I have a panic attack, and then she'll come through with it.
It's made it hard to get the confidence to get a job, especially because I had bad experiences at work, and got yelled at a lot (I was doing a good job, but ended up in places where they were jealous I was working so hard, and it made others look bad, so they'd pressure me to quit by bullying me, criticizing tiny things, etc.)
I've yelled at her and told her to stop, but she only sometimes stops. So I told her last night that I will call her on this every time she does it, and if it doesn't stop, I will have to limit contact with her. she admits she is codependent, and is reading articles about it now.
I hope she can change, because she's all I have left.
It's just sad to realize I've really lost a family, and a marriage, because they were all so screwed up.
I don't want to be messed up anymore. I want to become a healthy person, and until I do, I don't trust myself to choose a guy, or anything.
I really have to figure out how to make enough money now to survive. My parents don't have money, so they are lending me their savings, and I have to pay it all back with interest.
But I just feel so empty inside. I wonder if I can ever have a "normal" life, or if I will always attract bullies and losers, like I have in the past. :(
Replies
This is a good journal entry, I\'m proud of you.
thank you :)
Your eyes are open, you are looking at reality. This journal was work.....wow. Looking at it for what it was, will allow you to move away from it, and reconnect with your center, your source, let the real you shine through.
big hugs, get some rest after that! Amazing journal!