Realizations

I'm not sure if this is really positive...unfair..or whatever but over the last two day's i think i've realized something huge... It honestly feels like i havent loved my wife for a very long time. This is what ive been feeling over the last while..esspecially over the last few weeks...just this crazy WANT...a want to love someone and it never really made much sence. I kept listening to our old songs, thinking of her...our good times..When i loved her. Awesome memory's. But that's what kind of freak's me out...thoes good times were in the first year or so of our 7 year relationship.. I was talking to a good good friend of mine last week out having a coffee....and we were discussing my situation. The "family" and "Kids" subject came up...and we started talking...I was SO! very against having kids with my wife.. but when my buddy and i were discussing it...i said, "I would love to have kids, just not HER kids.." and i sorta stepped back for a second and was like wow...did i just say that. It was on my mind for awhile and its 100% true...i would not ever want to have her kid's and deep down i knew it. I honestly think i would have left the marriage many years ago if she wouldent have threated me with suicide. I'm pretty sure that made it 10X's harder to love her again...the feeling of being trapped in a relationship. This makes me a little bit sad...not for me. But for her. She had this huge fantasy of our life together and it was totally different from mine...and yet i never did tell her how i was feeling. It's too late for apology's now anyway, nor would i ever tell her any of this because the added pain on her is not needed. I had such a fantastic day today hanging out with a very good friend of mine....We grew up together...from grade 1....we've always been friends, never lost contact. 19 years! Crazy! Anyway.. We went downtown this afternoon, sat on a patio and had some beers before heading down to the Rogers Center to watch the Blue Jays destroy the Red's! After, we met up with two other friends of ours in a little section of town called, " Little Italy" and we sat out on a patio there and had some Latte's! Ahh..it was just such a nice feeling i really hope things are starting to get better.  This is turning into more of a rant or rambling then anything eles but i just feel like i need to get all of this out of me...and as always, DS is there! Alot of my emotions come out in my music, what im playing..when...how..the style..etc etc. We'll after spending some time with an old friend that I had very strong feelings for before i met my wife...everything i;ve been writting and playing has been fantastic. I came across this one song by a guitarist named John Petrucci, the song is called, "Wishfull Thinking" and its amazing. The whole song just portray's my feelings towards this old friend so much. You ever meet someone...step back and say, "WOW!". Yah. I spent 5 hours with this girl 2 weeks ago and every night i go to sleep thinking about moments from that day, and just how fantastic she is. A VERY! good friend of mine on here kind of gave me a little hope...she told me that maybe this girl is sitting at home just wishing I would grow a pair and ask her out! And you know what? I;m going too.  We have so much in common, she's such a strong, independant, and driven woman....she knocks me socks off! And I will not sit back and wait... Nope i'm gonna go for it. ahhh ok enough of this...Im gonna go dream =) Hopefully about her...hehe (Honestly makes me feel 15 again...thinking of her sometimes just makes me smile, How i've missed this feeling...) -Wes