Reality Sink
“...accepting a reality that doesn’t make sense, we tell ourselves: It just can’t be this way. Something will change. This is temporary. Eventually the new reality does sink in and with it, the crushing feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, and rejection.” GPYB
Word. That is the total phase I found myself in last month and still trying to make sense of. I realized that the first few months of my breakup I was just trying to get used to the “new normal” of not having Rob in my life. I reassured myself that this was what we needed to do. We didn’t break up, we decided to take a break with no promises for the future. There was hope for us yet, because who could two people who love and miss each other this much not find a way to make it work? This was a mistake. We left the door open because it was easier for each other, but it was harder for me in the long run. He was ready to move to being friends because he was afraid of losing me, but I can’t be friends with him, not now at least. I would love to be in the future, but I realize that may change as I begin to really work through my feelings. I love him and miss him dearly, but I need to be whole and I need to move on. He isn’t coming back. He isn’t going to magic himself better. He will put some effort in, but will continue to distract himself. We never should have stayed together as long as we did. He should have left, I should have asked him to leave… but I was in love. He loved me, in his way, but he wasn’t emotionally available to love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. He is broken, more than most and wasn’t ready to work through it. He looked to me to save him. I wanted to save him. We both failed.
Replies
Ok, you just spoke, the way it is for me also. Almost, verbatim. Except I dont think my husband has really loved me in quite awhile. Today I'm pissed, I still can't believe I let him push my buttons. I was having a hard time trying to get my phone to do something, (I was getting aggravated cuz I didn't understand what it was telling me. I'm not very techno savy, but I was trying cuz
I know I have to do things for myself. He started snapping at me cuz he doesn't understand why I just don't know this stuff. I've been telling him for years, that this stuff doesn't come easy, give me a piece of clay and I'm good. Why can't he just sit down with me and help talked me through it, rather than pick at me like I don't know anything. He has no compassion, no understanding, no consideration, he figures if he can do it, so can everyone else. I was to frustrated and pissed, to continue. Then I started thinking about all my current mental problems (of course) and began to feel like I'll never be able to be on my own like this, who would ever want to be with a person like me? I'm feeling very unlovable right now. Woman can be here for me, but I feel no guy is ever going to want to deal with me and all my crap. Crap I have no control over. My reality is yes to basically every thing you said, plus the world of frustration and hurt. Leaving him would be the best thing! I really don't like him right now. Same shit, over and over. He does even try to understand me. "I'm not a page turner". But, after, then what? I can't even get a job. I'm going to end up a cat lady. No, but it feels like it. Reality sucks.
I hope your reality will get better soon. Life is so unpredictable. Hugs.