Reality is Setting In

Now that I am through my first round of FOLFOX (yay?) it has suddenly occured to me that I really have cancer and that I really have to deal with it.   I was so fortunate that the pre-surgery radiation and the surgery itself went so well that I guess I lost track of what a mental/emotional/physical endurance marathon this is going to be.  They just disconnected my pump yesterday and I have been able to keep the nausea at bay but am still rather tired.  No appetite.  The neuro side effects of the chemo scare me for some reason.  They are just so foreign; not pain, but uncomfortable tingling in the jaw, random muscle contractions about the mouth, and that weird feeling when I try to swallow any liquid that is not warmed up first.  I know many of you have been here and successfully walked though this, but it is all so strange that I am a bit overwhelmed.  Will I make it for 6 months?  I know it's a day at at time, but my gut instinct right now is to run somewhere and hide and hope it will all be over.    Obviously, that is not a realistic Plan B, so I will stick with Plan A  and do my best --- whatever that is/will be.  Thanks for listening.  Now I am going to go look and find the prayer CoogeeMum posted last week on Courage.  Maybe I'll start a bulletin board with print outs of prayers and reminders of my many blessings.  I can put it above my desk where I will be see it all the time.