Reality hits home

I need something more concrete than this, i feel pushed and pulled in all different directions. Look fella, either you love me or you don't. either stay or go. don't put me in another struggle of which i cannot decide. why are you holding back? I dont want to cling onto something that will cause me pain. Bear the witness of pain already horrific. I was thinkingabout how you treated your mother, she was dying of cancer. you got angry with her, ridiculed her, and begged her for drugs. Of course she gave in, she's your mother. Now I am seeing this with open eyes, you get your kicks off of sick people. You actually think its ok. I will not be put through that hell. I've watched my own mother go through it all my life. What can you do when you are the only person in your family who sees it and identifies with the addiction and abuse. I'm breaking the cycle. I will not put my children through this. My feelings do matter. You distance yourself because you have backed yourself into a corner. you have a baby on the way and you're about to be a father. Not what you want so you deny your son. For Gods sake don't you  know babies are innocent? And this is where I make decisions. I want to be a wife and mother, I also want a healthy relationship. One where you can talk and learn and experience life. We do not have a healthy relationship. I wouldn't know where to start or how to go back and fix anything. What I do know is I love you and our son with all my heart. I also feel so broken by the ignorance you display. I am unable to make you happy or complete you, so you turn to drinking and drugs, your old friends. That's not the way to go. Because you will see us go, in the opposite direction. Watch the ground you tread upon, it does not lie. It leaves a trail of what is real.