Reality bites
So, here I am, venting again. Well, there is a lot to vent about.
My mother has been calling every day, in an effort to demand her release from the nursing home, yet she puts no effort into strengthening herself in order to be less than a complete burden when she goes home. She no longer even tries to walk, just propells herself around the nursing home in the wheelchair, getting into things and bringing herself to the bathroom, by herself when she is unable to manage the transaction by herself, then complaining that the help she has is insufficient. She has a team of aids, and they are insufficient to meet her demands, yet she expects me to meet them by myself.
My house is about to be foreclosed upon, my credit rating is in the toilet, and most decent apartments require a credit check. If my mother does not stop harrassing me, because this is what she is doing, then I will need to move myself and my daughter somewhere else, but it will not be an apartment in a secured building, or run by any estate agent, it will be a tenement, and probably not too good of one.
My daughter is 15, and emotionally unbalanced to begin with. She is dishonest to me when I try to discuss things with her, then honest in front of the therapist, so as to embarrass me and defy me. I just spent 2 weeks trying to pry a medication refill from the doctor she saw at the hospital, who "didn't feel comfortable" refilling the medication that she put her on, despite the fact that it is dangerous to stop taking. Because of this, I suggested to her that she use herbal suppliments, rather than the prescription medication, to try to balance her moods, and she had agreed to try, until we were in front of the therapist, when she stated that she should be able to decide, and she wants the prescription medication. I told her, along with her decision, that she could also make the dozens of phone calls to try and get her medication prescribed for her, because it is way too much to have to spend 2 solid weeks every month to try to get enough medication for an additional month, because this was how it went both of the months she has been on the prescription.
Both of my brothers are barely, if at all, able to take care of themselves. The younger one is quite ill, yet sits in his condo day after day doing little. My older one is homeless, relying upon the kindness of others for a place to sleep and something to eat, though he does get food stamps. I myself am deeply in debt, near bankruptcy, really, and cannot work.
In less than 3 years, the girl will be an adult, and her adoption suppliment money and social security will stop, unless she is still in school. I will no longer be in a position to support her, and she will be on her own because of it.
To top all things off, someone hijacked my netflix account, changing the password and email address, and I had a devil of a time figuring out how to fix the situation. As my credit card was still linked to the account, that would mean that I would continue paying for the netflix, and have no access to it. Grrrr.
So, I solved the netflix problem today, but have little hope of solving any other problems today, as they are the kind of problems that only time will solve. My mother will not remain in the nursing home, but needs to. She has never really thought of others before herself, which led to raising children that could not easily take care of themselves and a husband that gave up in his early 50's and a brother that took his own life at age 35.
I thought that I was over the issues I had with my mother, but they do remain. The thought of spending all of my time following her orders, being distracted from anything I might attempt to accomplish, and adjusting to her OCD ways, once again, fill me with a dread that I cannot overcome. I do not want to live with her at all, and I am going to have to let her know that, somehow, even if it means moving out of her house and leaving her on her own.
I've let the house in Maine go, and my credit rating has gone with it, along with 3/4 of my worldly possessions, which I picture being bulldozed or thrown in to a dumpster. I'm not really okay with that, but I'm trying to adjust. If they sold the things I left behind, it would go quite a ways towards paying off the mortgage, however, I really do not think that this will happen. I think that they will either hurl it into a dumpster, bulldoze the lot, or sell it off for next to nothing so that I will still owe them a huge amount that I cannot pay them.
Anyway, I dread the future - well the near future, at any rate, because once the smoke is cleared, should I survive it at all, I am sooooo out of here. I don't know where I will go, but it will be somewhere warm, where I can afford to live on my social security, and away from these people who are so bent on making me take care of them.
Because my mother does not want me to take care of her as much as she wants me to be her servant, doing only what she orders me to do and nothing for myself. I only made it to the 4th day of this care before I was ready to pack it in, and I cannot imagine trying to do it for months or years. She has let herself go to the extent that she cannot do an thing towards her own care, and during the time she was home, only made more work for me, rather than contributing to the work that was already necessary.
I cannot live like that - I will go completely batty.
And I cannot wait until the girl is of age, because I am so very tired of being fought at each turn about everything.
Once the foreclosure is over, and the debt is paid down (should it ever be) I will be more able to decide what I am going to do to extricate myself from this life and create a better one for myself.
My mother has been calling every day, in an effort to demand her release from the nursing home, yet she puts no effort into strengthening herself in order to be less than a complete burden when she goes home. She no longer even tries to walk, just propells herself around the nursing home in the wheelchair, getting into things and bringing herself to the bathroom, by herself when she is unable to manage the transaction by herself, then complaining that the help she has is insufficient. She has a team of aids, and they are insufficient to meet her demands, yet she expects me to meet them by myself.
My house is about to be foreclosed upon, my credit rating is in the toilet, and most decent apartments require a credit check. If my mother does not stop harrassing me, because this is what she is doing, then I will need to move myself and my daughter somewhere else, but it will not be an apartment in a secured building, or run by any estate agent, it will be a tenement, and probably not too good of one.
My daughter is 15, and emotionally unbalanced to begin with. She is dishonest to me when I try to discuss things with her, then honest in front of the therapist, so as to embarrass me and defy me. I just spent 2 weeks trying to pry a medication refill from the doctor she saw at the hospital, who "didn't feel comfortable" refilling the medication that she put her on, despite the fact that it is dangerous to stop taking. Because of this, I suggested to her that she use herbal suppliments, rather than the prescription medication, to try to balance her moods, and she had agreed to try, until we were in front of the therapist, when she stated that she should be able to decide, and she wants the prescription medication. I told her, along with her decision, that she could also make the dozens of phone calls to try and get her medication prescribed for her, because it is way too much to have to spend 2 solid weeks every month to try to get enough medication for an additional month, because this was how it went both of the months she has been on the prescription.
Both of my brothers are barely, if at all, able to take care of themselves. The younger one is quite ill, yet sits in his condo day after day doing little. My older one is homeless, relying upon the kindness of others for a place to sleep and something to eat, though he does get food stamps. I myself am deeply in debt, near bankruptcy, really, and cannot work.
In less than 3 years, the girl will be an adult, and her adoption suppliment money and social security will stop, unless she is still in school. I will no longer be in a position to support her, and she will be on her own because of it.
To top all things off, someone hijacked my netflix account, changing the password and email address, and I had a devil of a time figuring out how to fix the situation. As my credit card was still linked to the account, that would mean that I would continue paying for the netflix, and have no access to it. Grrrr.
So, I solved the netflix problem today, but have little hope of solving any other problems today, as they are the kind of problems that only time will solve. My mother will not remain in the nursing home, but needs to. She has never really thought of others before herself, which led to raising children that could not easily take care of themselves and a husband that gave up in his early 50's and a brother that took his own life at age 35.
I thought that I was over the issues I had with my mother, but they do remain. The thought of spending all of my time following her orders, being distracted from anything I might attempt to accomplish, and adjusting to her OCD ways, once again, fill me with a dread that I cannot overcome. I do not want to live with her at all, and I am going to have to let her know that, somehow, even if it means moving out of her house and leaving her on her own.
I've let the house in Maine go, and my credit rating has gone with it, along with 3/4 of my worldly possessions, which I picture being bulldozed or thrown in to a dumpster. I'm not really okay with that, but I'm trying to adjust. If they sold the things I left behind, it would go quite a ways towards paying off the mortgage, however, I really do not think that this will happen. I think that they will either hurl it into a dumpster, bulldoze the lot, or sell it off for next to nothing so that I will still owe them a huge amount that I cannot pay them.
Anyway, I dread the future - well the near future, at any rate, because once the smoke is cleared, should I survive it at all, I am sooooo out of here. I don't know where I will go, but it will be somewhere warm, where I can afford to live on my social security, and away from these people who are so bent on making me take care of them.
Because my mother does not want me to take care of her as much as she wants me to be her servant, doing only what she orders me to do and nothing for myself. I only made it to the 4th day of this care before I was ready to pack it in, and I cannot imagine trying to do it for months or years. She has let herself go to the extent that she cannot do an thing towards her own care, and during the time she was home, only made more work for me, rather than contributing to the work that was already necessary.
I cannot live like that - I will go completely batty.
And I cannot wait until the girl is of age, because I am so very tired of being fought at each turn about everything.
Once the foreclosure is over, and the debt is paid down (should it ever be) I will be more able to decide what I am going to do to extricate myself from this life and create a better one for myself.
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