REALITY

It has been just over 5 weeks since my DH passed away.  I have been back to work which is hard because this is where we met.  I called his work cell phone by mistake the other day and it was such a shock, I have it programed and was trying to call my best friend back but hit his number instead.  His voice mail came on and i bursted into tears.  To make it worse when I hung up someone called back and asked if I had called.  I had to explain what happend and why I was crying, she felt bad.  I miss hearing his voice which was so caring.  I miss everything though.  Everyting is out of our Town House and in storage, this weekend I have to go through it.  I have been seeing a counselor which I will see today after work, she suggested that I write in a jounal of what I am thinking and then read of it.  Everytime I read over it I cry.  when I am writing though I am fine.  Aubrey has started to act out a little more.  When she takes her bottle which she gets 2  day now because I am cutting her down on them she uses it as a binkie.  She has never took one of these and will cry if you take it away from her.  I know this is do to her lossing her daddy and so I am not sre to let her keep it or take it away.  Other then that she is doing well, she trys to say all the words that you say which my dad has to watch his mouth now because of this.  She likes to not hold hands while in the store and thinks that she can be on her own.  She loves to be in water so grampa is getting her a pool which they are starting build this weekend.  I just love spending all my time with her.  though it reminds me of all the things that her daddy and I where going to be doing with her this year.  I just mis him so much.  I hurt, my whole body hurts.  I just feel as though I will never be happy again.  I put a fake smile on so others do not feel bad for me.  I HATE CANCER, it takes all the great people.  he was so young and we had so many plans. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh my god Michelle, I am so sorry. I just read all your journals since your DH\'s passing. Words can\'t express how sorry I am for you and your family. I can\'t imagine what you are going through. I am here for you. I haven\'t been on this site that much lately, but I\'m so glad I came on today to give you my support. Cancer stinks! I don\'t know what to say to make you feel better, just know I am thinking of you. Just hug your daughter, and she will make you feel better. Let the memories comfort and sustain you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh, Michelle, you are stronger than you may ever know. I am glad you are seeing a counselor. If nothing else, you will feel that you have a safe place to express yourself away fron Aubrey... a place where you can let down the walls and don\'t need to be strong. It sounds like Aubrey is doing well, all things considered. I was always anti-pacifier before Kynzie was born (and was very fussy), but, given the circumstances, maybe you\'d want to consider letting her have one. I know it seems silly this late in the game, but we all need our comfort vices, especially in tough times. I will be thinking of you both, as always. Please keep journaling when you\'re feeling up to it!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hang in there Michelle, you are going through all the right steps, the hurt will never go away, but it will get easier to handle. *hugs*