Ready to Give Up
I'm ready to give up. The job search is frustrating and my health is failing. There just aren't any jobs that I can physically do now with my knee hurting and my hand getting weaker. I can't walk normal because of the pain even though it's not constant and my hand is making more mistakes when I type. It takes twice as long to type the simplest things. The grip is so bad that it's hard to take off off my socks, shave, grip cooking utensils, even brush my teeth. I go through the motions of hunting for work so I can get unemployment. I no longer care about my appearance going days without shaving and brushing my hair only when it gets in the way and get out of sweat pants and t-shirts only when I leave the house. Meals are a chore and I get no satisfaction from eating and try to skip them out of boredom and economy. Finances are a problem, but I can't figure out how to lower my food bill. It's at $50 a week or less and that includes cleaning and grooming supplies. Still waiting for government help on rent and food. It's gotten to the point that I can no longerafford the simple meds I need and try to stretch them. Cigarettes are an issue in that I really can't afford them, but with little else to do around the house, I can't do without them. My nerves would shatter. I have cut back and force myself to make a pack go 2 days even if it means going without if they run out before the days are up. Smoking the butts helps so I never empty the ashtrays until they're smoked. And with all this, depression is always around and I fight it every day. Sometimes, I want to give up the fight and just sit around and do nothing. My only contacts with the outside world is the internet and television. There is no human contact except for the people at the grocery store who are becoming my "friends" even though I don't know their names. Seeing Billy last week was a treat and I wish I could see him more, but he's still active and I can't share his activities. My favorite past time is fishing, but with my hand failing, it's out. I don't know what I can do.