Ready Or Not...
Here it Comes...
Today I responded to a message from a friend on here. She made the comment of the change in weather and oncoming holidays always being a bit difficult , since it does remind her that she is isolated and alone. (Currently unable to be with ALL of those she does love.)She mentioned it is not the best time of year for someone who is fighting depression and anxiety... and she is right.
Truth is, I do understand. As winter approaches, I do also notice... as the days grow shorter, nights darker and longer, I always have an issue myself. The "happy pills" don't make me quite as "happy" as I would prefer (or maybe just not so long?) I did confide in her that even though I will be with family on the actual holiday, I will feel just as lonely as she does.
Is funny (actually kind of depressing) that a week or two ago, I was eagerly anticipating the oncoming holiday (just imagining a big change in being somewhere where I would feel comfortable, finally peacefuly content). These past few days, I am feeling that dread and anxiety return. As stbx is doing better and healing, he is still non weight bearing on the foot... so I am still responsible for beckon call duty. There are moments he does venture out past the bedroom, but for the most part, he just bellows for me to get this... do that... bring him something else to eat... With all that is going on.... HE is content and happy.... and looks forward to the future.
For ME... it again feels like a sentence. I am back to going through the motions... wanting more, expecting less and having this incredible longing , never to be filled. back to reality simply being here,just empty. I am a fool to want or expect more... simply doesn't happen to people like me. That passion, happiness, contentment (not only with one's life, but with another person) rarely comes along.
So, once again... I will muddle through . There is alot I do look forward to with the upcoming holiday... feeling a little bit of warmth and love as I stare each night at a tree decorated (not with the help of children, grandkids or even a spouse who does share the joy of the season) but by me alone. I will plan and bake the usual treats and goodies for family and friends who have come to look forward to ( and request) them.... and I will bring a smile to their faces and a little joy to their day. This is something I can do (for others, anyway).
Replies
I understand I struggle with depression and anxiety to and when the season changes it makes it worse I also have SAD seasonal Affective Disorder that ia affected by the season changes especially when it gets dark so early. I have to fight through depression through the holidays even though there is a lot to be happy about and i love christmas!
I'm sorry this is so hard. Sometimes the season is a very mixed time. My husband died just before Christmas 5 years ago, but my daughter had her second baby the next day. I was glad we had something joyful to celebrate--helped deal with the loss. But Christmas is so much more than a holiday. I tried to focus on the meaning behind it--the coming of Jesus to reclaim the world from darkness. That made a huge difference for me. I hope that you can also feel the grace of God that brought us this holiday and that this will bring you joy no matter what else is going on.
I actually do feel the joy and meaning of the season and do normally look forward to it. Unfortunately, for me it is overshadowed by this void that I feel from not being able to fill this void. (from being unheard, discounted and taken for granted.... time and time again.) :(
Hugs.
I am realizing this emptiness is probably even more prominent right now . Ths is about the time of year when I did lose my mom so suddenly. (A brain aneurysm a week before her 53rd birthday.)
She did love and make the holidays.
It actually brought a smile to my face when I found the courage to file for divorce. It was as though I was stepping up for ALL the women in my family who have been unhappy, discounted, and taken for granted. Now I am feelng just like them again
I know what that void is because I have felt it and all through my life I did many different things to fill that void. At first, I thought it was in having my first sexual relationship but that didn't seem to be the problem, no matter how many times I had sex and no matter how many girls I had sex with. I still felt empty inside. So I got married thinking that was the problem but that just made me feel worse. I spent many years chasing after many different things from climbing mountains to finishing a marathon and I still felt empty inside.
Faced with severe depression, I turned to drugs and alcohol. They just got me in more trouble. So I went through rehab and quit. When I went through the 12 steps of AA, that seemed to open a door for me that let a little bit of light in because I finally realized that my way of doing things was not working. Nothing was giving me any satisfaction anymore so I figured I would allow God to run my life. Like magic, everything began to come together in my life! I got a job, that I really liked. I had money coming in from places I never expected, and my relationships improved.
I began meditating daily and things progressed from there. I began having visions during my meditations and I felt the Peace and Love of God and I knew I had found what was missing all my life! It's all I need! There is more to come later :)
God Bless
i do believe with all I have been through, God has helped me to better understand the whys and even helped me to realize some gifts I have been blessed with. But as I continue to try to let go and let God, I still have this unsteadiness and impatience. I give up easily (remembering how I did trust so many who did always let me down... feeling He may do the same... after all....I have prayed before... many were unanswered... instead in different ways..... still leaving me with a yearning I may never fill.) :(
Hugs
I think it is normal for us to think of God like every other human that has failed us and to think He might fail us to. We have to remember that God is different He is not like all those other people that have let us down. He is always there and He always cares. He is waiting there with arms open wide for you to come to Him. God loves you. And He hears you when you pray He may not always answer your prayers in the way you want or expect but He will answer them. And remember sometimes His answer is No. It is always loving but it is not always Yes.
God gave us the ultimate power: intellect and freewill. It’s up to us how we use that in our life.
Tell your husband you are happy to to help him as he heals but instruct him how you expect to be treated. You have all the power here.
The holidays cause all kinds of emotions and it can be overwhelming. I always feel a little melancholy, over loss, over regret, over sadness about my mom’s Alzheimer’s, the passing of time, during the holidays. Part of it is because everything is so heightened. Try to not let it undo the work you’ve done. Don’t give into it.