Ready Or Not...
Divorce, even when we're the ones to seek it, has a nasty way of battering our emotions around, making us feel less worthy, almost ashamed of ourselves, and for me - even a failure. I hadn't realized until my "security blankets " were threatened last week, how much I leaned on them for support to get me through it. I "leaned" on food when I couldn't deal with the pain of the breakup.... and that's ok. That pain was real and strong and the food (especially chocolate) gave me a sense of comfort when my world as I knew it was falling apart and sliding completely out of my control. (and I have the weight gain to prove it, lol)
And I "leaned" on my family to give me emotional support when I was feeling less valued, less worthy. And that's ok too.... to a point. I've always known this and still ignored it and STILL felt bad whenever it happened - the family has it's own issues and most of the time doesn't want to hear about mine as mine is usually so much more secure than theirs, even at the worst of times... and I'm more likely to be ignored than helped when I call. Even more so now that Friday's news came out.
Ok, to be honest, it was more than leaning... it was a tight, strangling, desperate, bear hug.
After my son was born, I had depression that lasted 5 years... 5 HORRIBLE years where I felt nothing, didn't care about anything, just existed. I hated my life, hated where I was going, hated how I felt, and yet did nothing about it until one day, I didn't feel ANYTHING. There was just a deep dead pit inside where my emotions were supposed to be. A pit of NOTHING, except despair.
And I'll never forget the day that changed. I cried.... actually I should say SOBBED as all the emotions that I thought were dead came roaring back to life - it was overwhelming and exhausting. But at that moment, I started taking small steps to learn to LIVE... to FEEL my life the way it's meant to be felt. And as I moved forward, I made a vow to myself that I won't EVER let myself go back to that place ever again.
And then the assault and divorce happened and I found myself in free-fall as I slid back toward that pit, scrambling to hang onto something secure as I went down.
I've just skidded to a stop right at the edge, bruised and battered, and I can see it... the yawning pit of misery I was existing in years ago... and I find I've grasped onto something that felt secure at the time, but no longer has any value or use - my "security blankets". Now that I've salvaged what's left of my life the best I could, I feel like I can stand up on firm, solid ground now. But it's not where I want to be; and it's not how I want to feel. I WANT to feel happy, I WANT to feel secure, I WANT to feel strong and I WANT to feel FREE. I WANT MORE! And I don't feel that yet... instead, I feel like I don't want to be here... it's not good enough... it's not the direction I want to be going...
So I'm giving up my "security blankets". The ones that make me feel safe and secure while keeping me rooted in right where I am. And it's time.... I'm leaving them lay at the edge of that pit of despair, like a child does with a favorite toy when they finally become old enough to start exploring the world. I've turned away from it, taken a step in the opposite direction. It's time to walk, laugh, skip and play...run! This week, I've stopped binging on food and began my fitness and eating program full force... this week, I am letting go of the family attachment (they can come to me if they want to - or not)... and this week, I embrace the important things I still have in my life and will grow with them and learn to value myself. I know it's going to be tough - that was a long hill I just fell down - but this week, I'm starting to LIVE once again, starting NOW.
And I "leaned" on my family to give me emotional support when I was feeling less valued, less worthy. And that's ok too.... to a point. I've always known this and still ignored it and STILL felt bad whenever it happened - the family has it's own issues and most of the time doesn't want to hear about mine as mine is usually so much more secure than theirs, even at the worst of times... and I'm more likely to be ignored than helped when I call. Even more so now that Friday's news came out.
Ok, to be honest, it was more than leaning... it was a tight, strangling, desperate, bear hug.
After my son was born, I had depression that lasted 5 years... 5 HORRIBLE years where I felt nothing, didn't care about anything, just existed. I hated my life, hated where I was going, hated how I felt, and yet did nothing about it until one day, I didn't feel ANYTHING. There was just a deep dead pit inside where my emotions were supposed to be. A pit of NOTHING, except despair.
And I'll never forget the day that changed. I cried.... actually I should say SOBBED as all the emotions that I thought were dead came roaring back to life - it was overwhelming and exhausting. But at that moment, I started taking small steps to learn to LIVE... to FEEL my life the way it's meant to be felt. And as I moved forward, I made a vow to myself that I won't EVER let myself go back to that place ever again.
And then the assault and divorce happened and I found myself in free-fall as I slid back toward that pit, scrambling to hang onto something secure as I went down.
I've just skidded to a stop right at the edge, bruised and battered, and I can see it... the yawning pit of misery I was existing in years ago... and I find I've grasped onto something that felt secure at the time, but no longer has any value or use - my "security blankets". Now that I've salvaged what's left of my life the best I could, I feel like I can stand up on firm, solid ground now. But it's not where I want to be; and it's not how I want to feel. I WANT to feel happy, I WANT to feel secure, I WANT to feel strong and I WANT to feel FREE. I WANT MORE! And I don't feel that yet... instead, I feel like I don't want to be here... it's not good enough... it's not the direction I want to be going...
So I'm giving up my "security blankets". The ones that make me feel safe and secure while keeping me rooted in right where I am. And it's time.... I'm leaving them lay at the edge of that pit of despair, like a child does with a favorite toy when they finally become old enough to start exploring the world. I've turned away from it, taken a step in the opposite direction. It's time to walk, laugh, skip and play...run! This week, I've stopped binging on food and began my fitness and eating program full force... this week, I am letting go of the family attachment (they can come to me if they want to - or not)... and this week, I embrace the important things I still have in my life and will grow with them and learn to value myself. I know it's going to be tough - that was a long hill I just fell down - but this week, I'm starting to LIVE once again, starting NOW.
Replies
Yeah! You are on the right road now! I wish I could be as honest as you are, I try and I pretty much manage too! But, awe there it is! \"But\", not quite. I am so glad you are on you workout schedule, I think you will be much happier(and you are happier now!)and will reap more benefits from your struggle with getting fit! Good luck! I am rooting for you! (((Hugs)))
WOW!!! What a strong honest journal you have written. It seems so strong and honest to me. I can hear your determination to get past this and not fall back in that hole of depression. But you haven\'t fallen back into that hole. You are moving away from the edge and you are doing everything right for you. You have determination to make your life better and healthy and I know you will do that. I am cheering for you. (((HUGS)))
Wow good for you, for being so honest with yourself and for taking this step!! I hope and pray you do manage to find that happiness in your life and really start to live again. I am rooting for you too!!
I love this entry I could have written it myself.
Please be aware (I have done copious research on B.E.D) that dieting restraints can trigger episodes of BED. GO GENTLE. Treat your exercise and eating program as steps in the right directions not huge black or white delinations. You will fall back a few steps here and there this is totally normal. Just keep marching into and towards the healthy lifestyle - that\'s your ultimate goal and trust me change and weight loss will come.