Reaching Out

I know all of my peeps "from before" have moved on.  I'm so grateful they have.  It's a good reminder that even the darkest hours pass and the sun rises again.

My husband fell and broke his leg in two places.  He had surgery today, but because of COVID, I haven't seen him since the ambulance took him away last night.  I did get to FaceTime him for a brief moment today when I dropped off charging cords, headphones, his glasses, etc., just to let him know to bug the front desk at 5:30 if no one had brought it to him by then. 

I'm so overwhelmed, sad, tired, frustrated, etc.  I'm so alone.  F*ck COVID, ya know?  I can't even have my kids come over to comfort me, so I'm just hanging out here alone, worried about my husband's health, career future, and a billion other things I can't control.  I never, ever drink (having alcoholic parents will often do that to you), but I had a glass of wine a little while ago to sit down and write this instead of pacing and crying. 

If I'm being honest with myself, I've taken on too much this semester.  I have a full course load, I'm tutoring three classes - and in two of those classes, I have four sections that I watch over (same material, same instructor, just different group).  In other words, there are no less than 250 students who may call upon me over the course of the week.  (There are other tutors embedded in the multi-section classes, so they don't ALL rely on me, and obviously, not all need tutoring.)  I also took on a mentor position within the tutoring staff, so I am a, well, a tutor to the tutors?  

Part of the reason I felt confident taking on so much is (aside from my HUGE ego) that I had my husband's backing.  He agreed to take on more responsibility around the house this semester and has been the pets' primary care provider. He does half the cooking, he does more than half the cleaning, and he has stepped up his game in general.  Obviously, all of that is out for at least six weeks.  Most of that is out for at least three months - probably more.  Since this was an "at home" fall and not work-related, he will get no paid time off.  Also, he is a bigger guy, and I am a weaker lady, so there was no way I could move him myself, so I had to call upon emergency services to come to get him.  We'll manage, but barely.  (I hope?  I haven't gotten the bill yet.)  I don't know what this looks like for his career future.  In theory, he'll heal up and be back to work in six months without issue.  But who knows?  He's less than three years from retirement, and with budget cuts, etc., this may be a doorway to them pushing him out.

I don't know what I want/need.  Almost all of my friends are distance/internet friends, or, yeah, college kids (who are awesome, but not exactly in a position to help out).  My heart is bleeding need, though.  So much so that when a highly religious acquaintance asked what she could do for me, I told her to pray for me.  I AM NOT RELIGIOUS.  I asked her to do this because I am an evil, evil witch, and it pleased me to please her, even though I have less than zero faith (in fact, its outright disdain).  I feel like I'm bleeding "neediness," but I don't know what anyone could do to make things better.  I guess I will appreciate that people want to help, even though they can't.  What else is there?